z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

Wages: Chapter One

by Cirute


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Warning: This story doesn't have an 18+ rating for nothing! Please, be aware that the story involves EXTREME violence, as well as scenes of torture/self-mutilation/death. It may say fantasy in the tags, but be aware, this is no children's book! You've been warned.

Part One: The Colony

Chapter One: A storyteller’s death

The perennials were in bloom, illuminating the mountain valley with the violet splendor of a million purple lilacs under the springtime sun. The mountains, like great palisades, stretched to the blue sky; their grandeur unparalleled by any sight I had ever laid my eyes upon. Oh, what a beautiful day it had been! A day when a storyteller was executed for treason!

No great loss it was.

We stood in a semicircle at the base of a large cliff, about three hundred of us dragons. We stood and watched like dammed animals as he was paraded in front of us. An example he was, a fucking example! Something to show us who is in control, who possessed the power! But alas, at the time I found nothing wrong, for treachery was a crime unto us all, and oh what rapture I had for our colony.

The old drake snarled and swore at his captors as they led him round the clearing.

Quartzite. Quartzite was his name, and Quartzite he shall forever be. He was an older drake; a scarred, battle hardened creature, often to be found dozing in the sun of secluded alpine meadows. A storyteller he was, possessing the ability to seeming weave a tale out of thin air. Yes, what entertainment it was for us young to gather round the old drake and hear stories of war and love, of strange beings and distant lands!

...And what a fucking sight it was to see Quartzite the storyteller put on trial for conspiring against our leader!

---

Above us all a silver drake sat upon a large boulder, our dear leader, simple referred to as The Provider. From where I stood I could see his cold eyes surveying the crowd and the prisoner; they made my very hide crawl.

After he had been paraded in front of the crowd, Quartz was brought before our leader, shielded on either side by two large drakes, part of the Provider’s high guard; the Trilslet.

Quartzite was currently in the process of cursing one of the Trilslet, and he paid no mind to the silver drake that glared at him from his perch.

“SILENCE, YOU DAMNED SNAKE!” The Provider roared down at him before he could finish his insults. The silver drake rose menacingly. “You worthless piece of scum,” he snarled, “You don’t deserve your wings! You dare threaten me or my associates, I should rip your fucking throat out this very instant!”

He then paused, his voice suddenly taking a cooler tone. “But I am a fair and honest drake...”

He said it so quietly I could barely hear him, but I had little need to. The phrase had been drilled into our vulnerable minds since the day we were hatched. Our dear, all powerful, intelligent, enlightened, loved leader was a fair and honest drake! Such a creature would never bring harm upon his beloved people…

...right?

“...and I believe every dragon, no matter how low he is, deserves a fair trial.”

He now looked to us. “My fellow people, I provide for you. I give you protection, food, order; I care for you as a mother cares for her own clutch. And what do I ask for in return? Your simple compliance...”

He paused, sighing.

“...And yet some of you have grown greedy. You want all these fine things and want to be without my rule. This drake before you wishes to overthrow me-”

“Lies,” Quartzite growled, “the whole damn lot of it!” he was quickly silenced by a sharp cuff.

The silver drake seemed unwavered by Quartzites’ claims. “He wishes to take everything I have given to you! He want’s full control! It’s greed like this that brings down nations! Drakes like Quartzite will be the demise of our species, everything we have worked so hard for! So, what would YOU choose?” he questioned, looking down at us. “Safety, food, and order; or death, greed, and demise?” he paused, gazing over us with those cool, contemporary eyes.

Like good pets, we said nothing.

“I don’t believe we need to think too hard on that one, now do we?” said he with a malicious chuckle. “And lastly, let me remind you, Quartzite has been known to socialize with humans, the very face of destruction and demise! Humans are a disease, and Quartzite seems to have been infected! Infected with their ignorance, their greed!”

At this a murmur went through the crowd. Nary a drake in the colony had ever seen a human, let alone interacted with one. What dangers did they hold? What were they like? I was at a complete loss, all I knew of humans were the stories of old, and of course what our leader had told us. I mused over the subject for a moment.

“Quartzite, you've heard the charges against you, how do you respond to them?” he growled, rousing me from my thoughts.

Old Quartz turned slowly, at first it seemed as if he was going to look to us, the bystanders. Instead he gazed out past us, to the fertile mountain valley beneath the clear spring sky, his eyes possessing a great sadness to them, and yet something more… something I decided to believe was acceptance.

After a moment the old drake sighed deeply. “Yeah, I've socialized with humans, I’ll admit to that. And you know what I’ve come to realize?” He calmly muttered, shaking his head. “We’re making the same fuckin’ mistakes that they are. The same fuckin’ ones!” he snarled these words with such anger and hate that I was quite taken aback. He seemed nearly crazed!

“The humans, they told me things. They spoke of some sort of far off land known as Europe, where there was a great war. The leader of the the opposing force believed a certain race to be... less…. than the rest of the populous. They spoke of places called Con-cen-tration Camps where they would send these people! Of bodies being tossed into great fires! Of piles upon piles of dead! Too many to count, too many to imagine! Genocide is what they called it!” He spat, the madness in his voice quite apparent.

He turned back to our leader and narrowed his eyes. “And I believe that is where this... this colony is heading!” He now looked to us, “If you stay with this tyrant there will be blood and death! I say end it now! End it before it’s too late! Before you are completely under his control!”

Our leader remained quiet for a moment, before clicking his tongue and shaking his head. “My dear friends, I assure you everything I do is for the good of this colony, and I would never bring you any harm.”

His voice then took a deeper, more serious tone. “Quartzite, I thought you were smarter than to trust the humans, those who have brought such tyranny upon our glorious species.” He looked out at the rest of us, “Believe this lying snake if you wish, but mark my words, thoughts like these will destroy everything we have worked for!”

Looking back at Quartz he growled,“Now, Quartzite, before I read you your sentence, do you have anything else you wish to address?”

He glared at The Provider, then stood upon his hind legs and flared his crimson wings.

“KILL THIS TYRANT! KILL HIS WHOLE FORCE!" he roared the words with such ferocity that it echoed off the surrounding mountains. He then dropped to all fours once more, closed his eyes, and, for a moment, I thought that I saw him give a small smile.

“Kill me if you wish, you fucking crack-brained bastard!” Murmured the old drake.

Our leader glared down at him with absolute detestment.

“Very well.” he snarled. “For the crime of high treason, Quartzite, you are hereby sentenced to death!”

Before Quartz had time to react, the two large drakes had seized him.

The Provider leapt down from his perch and grabbed the drake's throat in his maw. He grunted, then twisted and pulled, sending a deluge of hot blood pouring onto the granite.

Through the whole ordeal Quartzite remained silent, completely and utterly silent. And at the moment his throat was torn out, and he lay there in a rapidly growing pool of his own blood, his eyes, so filled with rage, remained fixated on The Provider.

No great loss.

~Post chapter notes!~

Oh look, yet another violent, profanity ridden work by Cirute! Seriously, for some reason I can't write something without using the word 'fuck' like a comma. Also, more crappy sentences, run-ons, and other shoddy shit. I'd like to make it clear that I do very little editing before I upload works here. Once I get some reviews I'll make the adequate changes.

As some of you might know, I uploaded a similar short story called The Notch here a few weeks ago, and since today was a snow day and I was bored, I decided to start writing a novel about dragons. Yeah, yeah, there's a little bit of execution by throat tearing, but... what are you gonna do, it has f*cking dragons!

Oh, and here's how I envision the valley where this all takes place:


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
193 Reviews


Points: 408
Reviews: 193

Donate
Wed May 14, 2014 9:40 am
Niraco wrote a review...



I keep meaning to read this story. Mainly because I was a huge fan of one of your other works. I really like how you wrote that story as it was slightly similar to my own style about a year ago. Anyway, I’m finally going to be reading and review this whole story in the hopes that I can get into it just as much as your other work. So let’s start at the first chapter – since that is the logical choice!.

The perennials were in bloom, illuminating the mountain valley with the violet splendor of a million purple lilacs under the springtime sun. The mountains, like great palisades, stretched to the blue sky; their grandeur unparalleled by any sight I had ever laid my eyes upon. Oh, what a beautiful day it had been! A day when a storyteller was executed for treason!

I really liked your opening paragraph. It was really soothing in a sense as it painted this rather beautiful scenery. And judging by your warning at the start of the story, I’m guessing this is the calm before the storm. Which is a really interesting way to open a story. You start off with some nice and tranquil imagery which is then finished with someone dying…very atmospheric and comical.
No great loss it was.

This line threw a little of the immersion for me. Mainly because it sounds like something Yoda would say. Perhaps changing it would help a little.
...And what a fucking sight it was to see Quartzite the storyteller put on trial for conspiring against our leader!

If it were me I’d take away the ellipsis at the start. Since you’ve already broken the rules of grammar by putting ‘and’ at the start of the sentence. Putting the ellipsis is rather redundant.
At this a murmur went through the crowd. Nary a drake in the colony had ever seen a human, let alone interacted with one. What dangers did they hold? What were they like? I was at a complete loss, all I knew of humans were the stories of old, and of course what our leader had told us. I mused over the subject for a moment.

I like how you describe humans as being almost a myth. It adds an element of originality to this and flips most stories about dragons on their heads. Normally humans never seem to see dragons so I really liked that element.
I’d also like to point something out. As I got to this point I had to google what ‘drake’ was. I felt that you could have maybe explain that slightly. Perhaps in a note before the chapter. It isn’t necessary just a little thing that kind of bothered me.
his eyes possessing a great sadness to them, and yet something more

I really liked this line. I loved your use of the word possessing. In fact your word choice in general tends to be really good and fits well at times. Keep doing things like that.
“We’re making the same fuckin’ mistakes that they are. The same fuckin’ ones!”

Let’s talk about something you do a lot: swearing. I love it. I too use words like ‘fuck’ a lot in my regularly speech. I used to have a swear word in almost every story I had. Much like how you said I used it like a comma. Now I’ve toned it down a tad. I actually like how they swear a lot. @Shannon said that she felt it made them too human. I think that word as an advantage. Like I said before, it seems here that humans are like a myth. So making the dragons seem human like adds to that.
Our leader remained quiet for a moment, before clicking his tongue and shaking his head. “My dear friends, I assure you everything I do is for the good of this colony, and I would never bring you any harm.”

This is where I find some weakness in your story. We can clearly see this guy is a tyrant. It comes across as rather stereotypical and something people have seen time and time again. It’s clear he is going to be a villain. I hope you’re able to pull something original with this.
And with that I shall end this review. I did enjoy this – more than I thought actually. Just a few things which bugged me that I mentioned. Other than that your writing is solid and flows really well. One other thing I would like is more description of surroundings and the dragons themselves. You can have a lot of fun when describing dragons and I felt you didn’t go all out – which is a real shame as I would have liked to seen that.
Now for chapter 2!




Cirute says...


Thank you for the review! To clear a few things up, I chose to make The Provider like that in order to better mimic how real-world dictators act. Often it seems that they act as if they wholly care for their people. So I kinda made him like that. If I write a second draft, I'll definitely change some things regarding him. The first few chapters of this book are just begging to be re-written. I've only been writing fiction for about 6 months, so this was, like, my third attempt to write. The descriptions also get better as the book progresses.



Niraco says...


Only 6 months?! Damn you're good.



User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 508
Reviews: 7

Donate
Mon Jan 20, 2014 10:14 pm
Shannon wrote a review...



This would have been even more amazing with out the cuss words. They seemed to make the dragons sound too human like. Sorry. I just would have preferred if there were at least made up dragon cuss words like flakey scales, Or stout snout. Idk. I really like this beginning don't get me wrong. P.S. Where is the colony located? Volcano, island,...? I like how you gave it a wwll time period. Thanks. On to the next chapter. >




Cirute says...


Yeah, I know there's a lot of swears. The thing is the story is basically the main character's thoughts, and he swears a lot. I basically figured that if he was going to cuss like there's no tomorrow might as well go all the way with it. I really like your suggestions though, defiantly should use something like that! Thanks!



Random avatar

Points: 17243
Reviews: 328

Donate
Fri Jan 03, 2014 2:39 am
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi! Lucrezia here to review.

This is a great piece . . . though I suppose I'm a bit partial because I have a thing for dragons. But I must say, this is a nice and fresh take on them and a great beginning to a novel. It held my interest, wasn't overly long, the descriptions were nice. Basically I really, really liked it.

Okay! Now for the nitpicks.

about a three hundred of us dragons.


I don't think the "a" needs to be there.

So, what would YOU chose?


"Chose" should be "choose."

Of piles upon piles of dead, Too many to count


The T in "too" doesn't need to be capitalized, unless you switch out that comma for a period.

Anyway, those were the only little errors I spotted. Which is awesome in itself. Now for some stuff I liked:

Quartzite. Quartzite was his name. He was an older drake; a scarred, battle hardened creature, often to be found dozing in the sun of secluded alpine meadows. A storyteller he was, possessing the ability to seeming weave a tale out of thin air. Yes, what entertainment it was for us young to gather round the old drake and hear stories of war and love, of strange beings and distant lands!


My God, that's good.

Through the whole ordeal Quartzite remained silent, completely and utterly silent. And at the moment his throat was torn out, and he lay there in a rapidly growing pool of his own blood, his eyes, so filled with rage, remained fixated on The Provider.

No great loss.


That's a seriously perfect way to end it.

I could go on, but I won't bore you. All in all, I'd say this has a lot of potential. Nice originality, intriguing concept, just plain well-written. Good work! :)




Cirute says...


Thank you for the review! Yeah, I know my semi-colon use is quite bad. I've never taken a creative writing class (Or really any writing class, aside from standard english), so I kinda had to do some guess work! Thank you for pointing those errors out though, makes it a lot easier to correct them!


Random avatar
deleted30 says...


No problem! I don't think the technical stuff matters too much, it's the story that counts. ;)



User avatar
508 Reviews


Points: 11370
Reviews: 508

Donate
Fri Jan 03, 2014 1:57 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

"A storyteller’s death"

Since this appears to be the chapter title, I'd recommend italicizing it, and the period isn't necessary, so you can toss that.

"We stood in a semicircle at the base of a large cliff; about a three hundred of us dragons."

That semi-colon should be a comma.

"He was an older drake; a scarred, battle hardened creature, often to be found dozing in the sun of secluded alpine meadows."

Same as before--comma, please. Maybe this would help you.

"Above us all a silver drake sat upon a large boulder; our dear leader, simple referred to as The Provider."

Just noting where the semi-colons that need to be changed are.

"From where I stood I could see his cold eyes surveying the crowd and the prisoner; they made my very hide crawl."

There! That is how you use a semi-colon. I just thought it'd be good to point out something you did right, instead of feeling like all I'm doing is pointing out the negative. :)

"...part of the Provider’s high guard; the Trilslet."

Back to noting the semi's that need correction. We'll get this work improved.

"The Provider roared down..."

Decapitalize the "The."

"He snarled..."

Decapitalize the "He." For dialogue, that shouldn't be capitalized.

"He was quickly silenced by a sharp cuff.."

You have an extra period on the end there.

"He want’s full control!"

Typo on "wants". No apostrophe, please.

"He questioned, looking down at us."

Again, decaps the "He."

"Said he with a malicious chuckle."

On dialogue tags, you don't need to capitalize the first word of that sentence.

"I was at a complete loss, all I knew of humans were the stories of old..."

That's a comma splice. Please replace with either a semi-colon or a period (I'd recommend the period).

"He growled, rousing me from my thoughts."

Just noting the dialogue tag that needs decaps.

"Instead he gazed out past us, to the fertile mountain valley..."

That comma isn't necessary and breaks up reading flow.

"He roared with such ferocity..."

Dialogue tag.

"Murmured the old drake."

Another dialogue tag.

"He snarled."

Last dialogue tag.

"“For the crimes of high treason,..."

Crimes? or crime? Either that's a typo, or you forgot to mention the other crimes you wanted to list.

Hope this helps!




Cirute says...


Thank you for pointing those errors out to me! I'll get working on them right away! :)




An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown