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16+ Language Violence

KAC Chapter 2 ( repost)

by braydog25


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Im back with the rewritten chapter two that will probably leave you more annoyed than anything. No questions will be answered in this chapter. In fact you'll probably have more questions at the end of this chapter. Review and criticism are much appreciated. Enjoy :)

I was awoken that night by shouting and sirens.

What’s going on? I wondered as I groggily walked over to my window. I peered out at the scene and at first all I saw was red and blue lights.

Why the hell is there blinding lights outside of our house? was my first thought. My second thought came after a few seconds, when my brain began working.

Red and blue lights equals cops.

The real question was, what are the cops doing here?

Moments later, I saw my mum walk into view. My confusion grew, and with it came far too many questions—where’s my dad? What’s my mum doing down there? Most importantly, what happened?

My mum’s the quietest person ever to walk this earth. She never would harm a soul. The woman's a pacifist, for God’s sake. Why would the cops be talking to her?

Maybe it was about Dad. Yes, that must be it. I could picture it now—Dad got into a fight with someone once again, probably for a stupid reason. He was on his last strike here for two fights he had been engaged in, one with a fellow officer, and the other with an old mate charged with theft.

My dad was a serial hothead; to be honest, I’m not even sure how he passed the psych test police officers take before being accepting into the force.

My mum always said her and Dad balanced each other out. I thought, since she was something of a saint to me, that he must have some kindness deep within his heart for my mum to have ever dated—much the less married—him.

Before becoming an officer, Dad had worked as various things, both legal and illegal. He was not proud of the illegal ones; he said he was just lucky he never got caught. In all his previous jobs, he had been sacked, and though the reasons varied in name they all had to do with the same problem—violence.

So that’s what must have happened. He must have gotten fired after doing something stupid, and was now probably sitting in a jail cell.

I had just come to this conclusion when I saw a man appear from the dark depths of the cop car, his red hair unmistakably familiar. My dad. It couldn’t be anyone else.

I moved away from the window and contemplated my next move. Should I go back to bed to wait for morning and just dismiss this whole event, or I could go outside to investigate and find out what the hell is going on?

Curiosity got the better of me and I chose the latter.

I crept quietly out the door and made my way slowly down the stairs, careful I created as little sound as possible. I know this may seem weird, but with all the bizarre things going on outside, I thought it best to be cautious.

I finally got down to the bottom of the steps and stopped to calm myself. I couldn’t just run out there yelling and screaming. I mean, what happens if it turns out to be nothing but a going away party for my dad or something like that?

In my head, I went through my exact plan of what I was going to do. I was going to quietly open the front door, then I was going to pretend that I had come out because I was startled by the noise and lights. This sounded almost exactly like what I was doing, anyway, so it wasn’t as if I was really lying.

Right. Here we go,” I said to myself.

Hesitantly, I took a step forward. There—I could do this.

After a few deep breaths, I was just about to take another step when I heard a sound that scared the absolute crap out of me: A gunshot.

Immediately, I abandoned all thoughts of my plan or finding out what was going on. The only thing I was thinking about was getting back to my bed and going to sleep.

This is not happening, this is not happening,” I kept telling myself over and over as I hurried back up the stairs, panicked and terrified.

After what seemed like hours (but in reality, was just minutes), I returned to my bed.

There I lie on the last normal day of my life, trying to piece together what was happening.

A shot was fired. What the hell is going on? Did Dad get into another fight? Worse yet, was he the one to pull the trigger? All these thoughts were swirling around my mind.

As long as Mum is all right . . . as long as she wasn’t hurt . . . it’ll be fine.

Right?

What will happen next, who just got shot, why were the police at the house.

All will be answered in the next chapter.

Maybe ;)


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 8:00 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmyjake to leave you a review! This is review day!

I don't really know what is happening as I haven't read the other chapter, so I wil review this based on punctuation, grammar and fluency alone.

I was awoken that night by shouting and sirens, what’s going on I thought as I went to my window. I peered out at the scene and all I saw at first was red and blue lights. Why the hell is there shiny lights out the front of the house was my first thought, it took only a few more seconds for my brain to click into gear red and blue shiny lights, cops why are they here.


So this paragraph is one that has a lot of errors in it. I could explain it to you, but I think I will go through it, rebuilding your paragraph to show you what needs work.

I awoke that night to shouting an sirens. Whats going on, I though as I went to my window. I peered out at the scene and all I saw at first were(instead of was) red and blue lights. Why the hell are(instead of is) there shiny lights at(instead of out) the front of the house? It took only a few more seconds for my brain to click into gear.(I put a period there.) Red and blue lights? Cops, why are they here?

On more thing I noticed here is that you start many of your sentences, if not most of them, with I. Maybe break it up a little bit with alternative sentence openings. It would help fluency, as well.
So I hope that helped, me pointing out a few things in that paragraph. You have something really good coming along here! I can see a plot building here!
Happy Writing!
~Timmyjake




braydog25 says...


thanks Timmyjake im aware I make a lot of errors and I am thankful you pointed some of them out



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Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:44 pm
Lava wrote a review...



So, hello there on this fine review day!

So, I noticed a couple of awkward phrases and grammatical errors that could be changed. Some run on sentences, a couple of awkward placing if the word 'why' and some sentences that should be completely edited so that the meaning isn't lost. YWS has a bunch of grammar tutorials, in the Knowledge base section; and it would be of some use to you, I'm sure.

Aside from the grammar, the story has potential. Try to work on your description a bit more - for instance when you're talking about the dad being a police officer, try to show us the details; and some emotional nuances or something.

Work on grammar, and it should be a good read.

Cheers,
Lava




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Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:40 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Braydog~
I haven't read chapter 1 yet, so I apologize if I say anything way off mark.

Why the hell is are there shiny lights out the front of the house

Make sure your verb matches your noun as far as plurality goes.
Also, I agree with Iggy. Italicized thoughts would be a great help.

Curiosity got the better of me and I chose the latter, moving from where i was now sitting in my room I crept quietly out of the door and made my way slowly down the stairs making sure I created as little sound as possible

I know this may sound weird but with all the weird things going on outside I thought eye on the line of caution.

I'm not sure why he's so cautious. It makes complete sense for him to be curious and go downstairs. Why would he get in trouble? If you could add that detail in there, it would be nice, and the explanation you have is kind of a copout and not really satisfying.

going to sleep

He must have nerves of steel. ;)

As Iggy said, your grammar is really bothersome, and it's hard to get faithful readers when your grammar is so bad that it's hard to read. I would be happy to talk about your mistakes one on one sometime if you wish.

I'm really intrigued though. You've kind of made me want to see the next chapter.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me.
Let me know when the next part's out,
Megs~




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Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:43 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello again!

I was awoken that night by shouting and sirens, what’s going on I thought as I went to my window.

Two things:
1. This is known as a Comma splices. Read the article; it'll tell you more.
2. Once again, I suggest that you italicize the thoughts he's thinking so we can tell the difference between thoughts and actual dialogue.

What has happened, this is scary my mum was the quietest person ever to live this earth she never would harm a soul, she was a pacifist for god sake why would the cops be talking to her.


This is a really big example of what a run on sentence is. Also note that it ends in a question, so you need a question mark.

All of his previous Jobs he been sacked from


Jobs doesn't need to be capitalized. Lowercase it.

“This is not happening”, “This is not happening”


You don't need to separately quote those sentences! Since he's saying both of them, you can go ahead and combine them into one sentence so you'' only need one pair of quotation marks. I suggest you spice it up by not repeating the same thing twice; try "This isn't happening. This can't be happening."


Okay, so despite all of the grammatical errors in this chapter (all nitpicks apply for this chapter as well as the last one), the story is going rather well. It was rather sudden, this curveball you threw at us, but I trust you did it for a reason, right? Either way, I look forward to seeing if anyone got shot, and why the police are there.

Please work on your grammar and try to fix your mistakes. Once you do, I'd love to read chapter 3, but I'd rather not until your grammar has somewhat improved. It gets rather tedious when pointing out the same mistakes over and over again. :) I know you can do it! It just takes a bit of reading articles and time to slow down and proofread your work before you publish it. I recommend rereading it at least three or four times.

-Iggy




braydog25 says...


thanks Iggy for pointing out some more errors I forgot to tell you in the last chapter that if you read the first chapter it states what KAC is.
KAC stands for Killer Assassins Clan, this is only the cover story for the name though the real meaning of the name is a secret, that will be reviewed in time ;)



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Thu Dec 26, 2013 9:33 am
rbt00 says...



Keep going.





I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
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