z

Young Writers Society


16+

Incantation Chapter 1

by Niraco


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Chapter 1: Graduation

In the front row I sat, beaming with pride as I looked up - teary-eyed - at my daughter. God, eighteen years. I swear only yesterday she had fell off her small pink flowery bike, and then rushed crying over to me, yelling for me to fix her bloodied knee. Now she wasn't a little girl. Sure she did need my help - or more my money - but she wouldn't cry to me, and I missed that.

She was a big girl now. She was off to college soon. I couldn't be even more proud. With great difficulty, I tried bottling up all my proud emotions by taking in deep steady breaths. Beforehand, Elise had bitten off my ear telling both me and her mother not to embarrass her.

Of course, my wife went against her wishes. As soon as Elizabeth saw Elise she was up on her feet, her hands banging loudly together as she yelled: “That’s my girl!”

At first I thought about yanking Lizzy’s arm halting her. Instead I got up myself and began to yell.

No one but Elise looked at us. Compared to some of the actions taken by other parents we were pretty mellow. However, to Elise, we had just shown a wall size picture of her naked as a baby to the whole crowd of people.

Her face was bright red matching the ginger springs in her hair. She forced a smile to the crowd before rushing to a seat. Lizzy and I returned to sitting. We watched the rest of the teenagers walk across the stage, we clapped out of respect. My eyes wandered towards Elise who was whispering to a friend.

Josh was the boy’s name. I didn’t like him. Mainly due to the fact he reminded me of myself at his age. The way he looked at my little darling made my toes curl. Sighing, I noticed there were still many teenagers to go. With my second name being Cornwall Elise was one of the first up on the stage.

I leaned into Lizzy’s ear and whispered: “I’m going out for a smoke.”

Without waiting for a reply, I stood up, shuffled through the chairs and made my exit through the door at the back. I walked through the high school fruitlessly searching for a way outside. Silently, I cursed pushing a fire exit door. I braced myself for an alarm to go off; I was thankful yet somewhat concerned when there was none.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a packet of Pall Mall. I put the cigarette into the corner of my mouth. As I sparked up my lighter, my eyes spotted someone across the street. I smiled and waved the man over. Looking both ways before crossing, the man ran over to me and pulled me into a hug.

“Glad you could make it,” I said, patting his back while carefully making sure I didn’t get any ash on his shirt.

“And miss out on my favourite niece’s graduation? Never!”

Thomas was my younger brother. I was twelve years older than his youthful twenty-two. Despite having the same parents the only thing we held similar was our eyes. We both shared our mother’s bright green eyes. I had jet black neat locks while Thomas had our father’s floppy dirty blond. The two of us were very close. He even lived with me for a few years after the divorce of his high school sweet-heart, which left him homeless and struggling with money. Now he has a steady office job, a nice two bedroom apartment and mountains of females begging for his attention.

After I finished my cigarette we strolled into the gymnasium just in time for the last few teenagers to get their high school degrees. Elise spotted us and waved towards Thomas. He waved back and smiled.

“Nice of you to join us, Tom,” Lizzy whispered as we sat down.

After all the students we nicely seated on stage the head boy stood up and gave a speech.

“When I was told I would have to give a speech, I was greatly honored,” he began. “I was also terrified,” he paused and waited for a laugh from the crowd. “High school is one of the best times of our lives. It allows us access to college, jobs, and careers. The moments we’ve all had here – good and bad – will stay with us into adulthood. Hopefully when we are old and grey we can look back at these times and say to our grandchildren ‘I had the best times of my life at Oberry High’ with a smile on our lips and happiness in our hearts.”

We all stood up and clapped our hands as the boy returned to his seat with the rest of the students.

The head master stood back at the podium. “I give you Oberry’s class of twenty-thirteen!”

All the students stood up cheering their hearts out.

“You looked great up there,” Thomas said. “All grown up.”

“Thanks Tom,” Elise said, clicking in her seat-belt. “Oh, Dad!” She leaned over and put her hand on the back of my car seat. “Jessica is throwing a graduation party tonight. Can-”

I cut her off. “How drunk will you get?”

She bit her lip. “She said I could stay over.”

“I want you home for four tomorrow then,” I said, pulling out of our parking space.

Elise slumped back in her seat then started to chat to Thomas. I looked at Lizzy who shot me a thumbs-up. Normally she handled Elise. I was never good at making rules. That’s why Elise asked me. She thought I’d be lenient with her, but not now. I could feel myself coming down with a headache – and I knew why.

When we reached home Lizzy took to making dinner while Elise went upstairs to change. Thomas followed me into the study. I looked at the phone and froze when I saw there was a voicemail.

“Damn,” I hissed, reaching for the receiver. I put the end of the phone to my ear pushed a button.

“Damn it, Mitch!” I recognised the booming voice on the other end. Another supernatural friend who I hadn’t seen since college. “You can’t keep running y’know! Sooner or later they’ll find you…Ah fuck! No- I don’t know where. Oh, god! Don’t!” I heard a scuffle just before the line went dead.

Thomas took the phone and put it back in its cradle.

“Whatever is after us is catching up,” he said not looking me in the eye. “He’s dead isn’t he?”

I reached back and pulled out a chair from behind me. My head fell into my hands as I tried to compose myself.

“Jeremy…” I whispered. “I need to call Sarah; maybe she can give us some protection.”

I snatched the phone again and dialled some numbers. A cheery voice picked up on the other end.

“It’s me, Mitch,” I sighed heavily. “I need your help. It seems that they found Jeremy.”

“God…” Sarah said breathlessly.

“I need to come over and-”

“I’m on my way,” she hung up the phone.

I sank back in my chair hoping Sarah would get here quickly.

“Are you two okay?” Lizzy came into the study, with a hard concerned look on her face.

I waved at her. “We’re fine, just chatting that’s all.”

She knew I was lying as she shot me a look. I gave her a pitiful look and she walked out of the study. I rubbed my face and stood up. I took out my carton of cigarettes and gestured to Thomas.

“You’re a bad influence on me,” he laughed taking one.

The both of us strolled to stand on the porch. I lit up both our cigarettes. I took in one deep tar filled puff and exhaled relaxingly. Leaning up against the wooden railing, the embers at the end started back at me with a dazzling blaze. How could something so harmful to you feel so pleasurable?

“Are you gonna smoke that thing or take it to bed?” Thomas said flicking ash.

I took in another breath letting out a chuckle as I let out the smoke.

“I can’t believe Jeremy’s gone…I know the guy was a pain but-”

Thomas put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. “I know, no one deserves to die before their time.”

I disagreed. Indeed, Jeremy was a thorn in my side. Calling me at all hours warning me of the danger that – until now – I didn’t take seriously. He didn’t deserve death, perhaps his tongue ripped out, but death, no. Other people, however, do deserve worse than death. To say that everyone should die at a suitable time I found to be rather naïve of my brother. I gave him a questioning look.

“Okay, not all people, but y’know what I mean!” he took a puff of his cigarette.

I chuckled and saw a grey Honda pull in. Sarah. I waved at her as she pulled into our drive-way. She waved back smiling as she stepped out of her car.

“Is that?”

I almost jumped as Lizzy silently came out of the house.

“She’s here for some extra protection,” I admitted. “Don’t make a fuss, just stay in the house and ignore her.”

Lizzy hated Sarah with a bloody passion. If looks could kill Sarah would have her entrails ripped out of her. Lizzy’s hatred was born from jealously. I knew Sarah from college; we had the same social sciences class. The two of were very close back then. ‘Friends with benefits’ are what the kids now call it. It stopped just before I met Lizzy but the two of us still stayed friends. When Lizzy asked about Sarah I told her everything, there was no point in lying about it.

“I don’t like her. She’s too beautiful, fake looking almost,” Lizzy once said, her face in a huff which made her look adorable.

Then again, Lizzy was right. Sarah looked as if she had been picked right out of a Glamour magazine. Skinny tight waist, covered in make-up, deep forest brown hair that was always flowing and sapphire eyes that looked precious. She looked stunning, perfect for a guy’s wild fantasy. But she didn’t hold out in real life. To put it bluntly, the sex I had with her felt like watching a marathon of a kids cartoon: colorful and bright but repetitive and too clean for my liking. Plus she was as dumb as a brick at times.

Lizzy went back into the house as she gave a piercing stare towards the oblivious Sarah.

Sarah bounced over to me and took my hands. “I can’t believe Jeremy’s gone, our old college buddy, it’s just so sad.”

She seemed to choke on a sob as she pressed her forehead against my chest. I shifted and was able to gently pull away from her.

“Can you give us some protection then?” I got straight to the point.

She nodded, all signs of her sadness gone. “Yup! I’ll cast the protection spells now!”

I brought my fingers to my lips to shush her. “Not so loud! My neighbours might hear and the last thing I need is them catching me doing magic. God knows they all love to gossip.” I felt like yelling that last part so Mrs. James could hear from across the road.

I suppose I should explain. You see my family and I merely take on the roles of being a loving and supportive family – which we are – but first and foremost we are supernatural. More specifically, I am a Sorcerer. Not to be confused with mages and witches (they are two different beings altogether). My wife is a Demi-Demon, an ice demon to be precise. She’s harmless and will only use her powers if there is no more ice for drinks. Thomas is like me as is my daughter. We are all one big happy magical family.

Since the beginning of time we supernaturals keep our esxistance hidden by feeding clashing information to the humans. Most of it false, with mere hints of truth.

After flicking away my cigarette bud, I ushered Thomas and Sarah into the house. Elise was skipping downstairs. She halted when she spotted Sarah.

“Why is she here?” Elise tried her best to sound remotely nice.

“Just to cast some protection spells,” Sarah said unborthered.

“I don’t see why we can’t just do them ourselves,” she said turning and running back to her room.

“Because we mess up white magic!” I called back.

Sorcerers cast spells via hand movements. If you ever see a magician do sleight of hand tricks which seem absolutely impossible, he’s most likely a Sorcerer. Most spells in our arsenal consist of making small things disappear, controlling some of the elements. Mages, on the other, hand are fantastic white magic user, they can also create a number of potions. They mostly use defensive spells – which is why I called Sarah.

Sarah giggled harder than necessary. I looked behind her towards Thomas who was twirling his finger at the side of his head mouthing: “Coocoo.”

I coughed away a chuckle and guided Sarah towards the living room. She sat on the edge of the recliner and patted down the pillow. “Mine always need to be patted to perfection.”

Lizzy came in and clearly heard Sarah’s last remark. “I tend not to pat them, mainly because I have more important things to do. Y’know like look after my husband and kid.” She turned on her heel and walked away again.

That one stung Sarah. I remember in college she would always talk about having her Prince Charming and living away in some distant land with a pack of kids. She never got that dream, which was sad really. While Sarah had her fair amount of flaws, she was kind at heart and still deserved those things.

She shook away her sadness and held up her hands. “Okay then! Let’s prepare the spells!”

Elise walked into the living room and stood at the doorway. She eyed down Sarah who kept her gaze on me.

“What is it- Oh, no! No way!” I snapped to my feet and looked at the outfit my daughter had picked. “When the hell did you buy that?” I said, rubbing my eyes.

She looked down at her outfit and shrugged. “You don’t like it?”

I dramatically rolled my eyes. I cannot fathom why Elise would assume that I would approve of a skin tight green dress that barely made it to her thighs. It was strapless and looked as if it would slip off at any moment. Don’t even get me started on those hooker boots.

“Oh, c’mon, Dad-”

I held up my hand to cut her off. “Change into some decent, you look like jail bait.”

In a huff, she ran back up stairs. “How can you say that about your own kid? ‘Jail bait’! I’m eighteen,” she slammed her door.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and turned back towards Sarah. “Let’s go into the basement, we can prepare some charms there.”


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User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 1001
Reviews: 47

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Sun Feb 23, 2014 6:05 pm
LemisaLeaZeor wrote a review...



Hi LLZ here for another review for today.

I felt that this writing was very new, refreshing and by far original. It's different to everything I've read from before. It's a change for me, but a good one.
No matter how many times I've read this chapter I couldn't find any nitpicks.
The description of the mages, witches etc explanation was easy to understand and well thought of.
You have a very good imagination, which is rare among people and I can't wait to read more of this story.
Great job and keep on writing.:D

From LLZ :)




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Points: 430
Reviews: 2

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Wed Dec 25, 2013 8:01 am
mightyguy wrote a review...



Hi there! First and foremost, your story is fantastic! I think it's a really interesting story that has lots of potential. The characters have strong personalities and you do a great job showing how they interact with each other.

Reviewing now: I would encourage you to go back and look over your punctuation. There are some missing commas that makes the sentences seem a bit off. There are also some sentences where you left out words? Maybe you were kind of tired when you were writing it? (For example: "Change into some decent, you..." I'm fairly certain you meant to put clothes after "decent.'"

I agree with Calvinn, I think you could go outside of your boundaries a little and use some more vocabulary. The main character seems like he would probably say f*** a lot, or maybe even more choice words when describing things. But that's just my two cents, it's your wonderful story!

Best of luck writing! Don't procrastinate! I wanna read the rest :D




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35 Reviews


Points: 2333
Reviews: 35

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Wed Dec 25, 2013 1:20 am
Calvinn wrote a review...



Hi Niraco! Calvinn to review for you :)

At the moment, I am too tired to do this properly, so apologies, but no nitpicks! But thank God for something refreshing which just grabs your attention from the start and does not trail off somewhere around the middle. Let's get down to business -

There are certain commas and punctuation marks in general which should not have been omitted. They stand out like sore thumbs. Also, could you please un-Americanise the vocabulary? I hate when people use American English! (sorry, nothing personal).

Now, I get the feeling you are trying to expand your target audience (e.g. they had sex but you did not use any expletives). Whilst this is certainly commendable as you will be more successful when publishing (please keep this up), sometimes this will result in your language/plot/flow coming across as less efficient than it should be.

Also, there was one particular line I did not like. Again, this is something which has to be pointed to you - I know because I make the same mistake not once, but over and over! "I suppose I should explain.I suppose I should explain." - grr..I don't know, it sounds sort of childish just stating it explicitly. Perhaps a more subtle approach might do the trick (such as integrating the reader, breaking the fourth wall like this - You might have noticed).

Overall, your flow is primo - has a seamless feel to it, transporting the reader from one part to another without there being any conscious effort on his/her part. Bravo! Although fantasy and this kind of thing has been covered many times before by fantasy writers, the promising adult story has a refreshing spring to it. However, in future it may not suffice to distinguish your story from so many other novels, so, if possible, try to introduce some new concepts to it. These concepts should, in a scenario where a reader is to choose between two fantasy books, one being yours, he will opt for Mitch's story :).

Brilliant job! Loved it!
Calvinn :)




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31 Reviews


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Wed Dec 25, 2013 12:44 am
MoonlightForest wrote a review...



Hi Niraco, you have a great story here! Your idea is refreshing; it's unique and original. I was pulled in at the first line, and you left enough mystery so that I was completely surprised by the magic bit. Another thing, I found your character to be very interesting. His calm, cool demeanor had me hooked from the very beginning. I also love the way he relates to his family and his descriptions of Sarah. It was great to throw in the idea that they once had a thing for each other because it made the read much more interesting.
There are a couple of grammatical things in your story that you may want to fix: when the MC says, “Change into some decent, you look like jail bait," I think you meant to say something instead of some. And when the MC thinks to himself, "While Sarah may at times me insensitive, dumb and a nuisance she was kind at heart," I think you mean be insensitive, and she is kind at heart. Those were the main grammatical errors that I noticed.

Good job on your story, and I hope to read more!




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301 Reviews


Points: 20262
Reviews: 301

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Tue Dec 24, 2013 11:53 pm
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Niraco!! Silver here to review you story.
Firstly this seems to be an interesting story, a family of supernatural living in a suburban town. Also it was very well written, everything was very smooth and flowed well. You had great grammar and spelling.

Some nit picks:

I swear only yesterday she had fell off her small pink flowery bike,


I think "fell" here should be "fallen"

or more my money


Maybe "more of my money"?

One more thing, sometimes your tory gets a little slow. Especially towards the end or whenever Mitch is smoking. Try to create more pace.

Overall a nice story. Happy writing!

Silverlock




Calvinn says...


Hi Niraco! Calvinn to review for you :)

At the moment, I am too tired to do this properly, so apologies, but no nitpicks! But thank God for something refreshing which just grabs your attention from the start and does not trail off somewhere around the middle. Let's get down to business -

There are certain commas and punctuation marks in general which should not have been omitted. They stand out like sore thumbs. Also, could you please un-Americanise the vocabulary? I hate when people use American English! (sorry, nothing personal).

Now, I get the feeling you are trying to expand your target audience (e.g. they had sex but you did not use any expletives). Whilst this is certainly commendable as you will be more successful when publishing (please keep this up), sometimes this will result in your language/plot/flow coming across as less efficient than it should be.

Also, there was one particular line I did not like. Again, this is something which has to be pointed to you - I know because I make the same mistake not once, but over and over! "I suppose I should explain.I suppose I should explain." - grr..I don't know, it sounds sort of childish just stating it explicitly. Perhaps a more subtle approach might do the trick (such as integrating the reader, breaking the fourth wall like this - You might have noticed).

Overall, your flow is primo - has a seamless feel to it, transporting the reader from one part to another without there being any conscious effort on his/her part. Bravo! Although fantasy and this kind of thing has been covered many times before by fantasy writers, the promising adult story has a refreshing spring to it. However, in future it may not suffice to distinguish your story from so many other novels, so, if possible, try to introduce some new concepts to it. These concepts should, in a scenario where a reader is to choose between two fantasy books, one being yours, he will opt for Mitch's story :).

Brilliant job! Loved it!
Calvinn :)




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If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.
— Peter Handke