z

Young Writers Society



Forever And Always-Parachute-Short

by hollyhuez


NOTE: This is a short based upon the song by Parachute. It's called Forever and Always. This is the link if you would like to listen to it while you read: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xlwpf8u4aw I own no rights to the song.

-

The hour was getting later, and later. I glance at the clock, it quickly changes to 7:15 in quick seconds. I peered into the driveway through the open window, but once again, it was empty. Your car was missing, and I couldn't do much but to worry. You would have called, right?

I sat at the kitchen table, fiddling with my thumbs. I text a few of my friends, but they all say they haven't heard from you. I wait a little longer.

I groan in frustration. 'Why isn't he here?' I think. 'Is something wrong?' I shake my head, looking back towards the window. I blink back the tears that threaten to spill. I was interrupted by a loud, ringing noise coming from my phone. I answered it on the third ring. My face falls as I listen to the women on the other end. Her voice was deep.

The women told me something had happened, and I should come to the hospital, now. I closed my eyes and shook my head. I thank the lady and hang up. As I get into the car, I let a hot tear roll down my cheek. I pull out of the garage and onto the main road.

In the car, all I could think of was us. I thought of when you asked me to marry you. It was a bitterly cold December night, but you insisted on taking me out. We came upon a park, and we laughed, and talked for a while. You stood up in front of me, bent down on one knee, tears and a smile spread across your face.

You quietly said, "I want you forever, forever and always. Through the good and the bad and the ugly, we'll grow all together, forever and always."

I pulled up to the entrance. I walked up to the front desk. They led me down a million halls, "a maze that's never ending," as you would put it. A nurse tries to tell me what's wrong, but I can barley hear her. I tried to keep a straight face, I even smiled, when I walked into your room. I sat by your bed and we held our hands together too tight.

We talked about the kids we're going to have, and the life that awaits us. The good life. You told me about the house on the hillside, that I loved so much. You had bought it for us. You told me, "we'll live there, and stay there forever. Forever and always, thought the good and the bad and the ugly. We'll grow old together there, and always remember, whether we're rich, or we're poor, or we're in the middle, we'll still have each other, forever and always."

I felt many tears brim my lashes, though, yours were already down your cheeks. A tear fell out of my eyes and landed on the bed, while yours fell into my heart. I suddenly got an idea. I called a nurse and she brought up a chaplain. I ask the couple next door to borrow their rings, they obliged and let us.

The chaplain says a couple of verses.

We were all laughing, even though tears hit the floor faster then the bomb fell on Pearl Harbor. I looked into your eyes and whispered, "I want you forever, forever and always. Through good and the bad and the ugly, we'll grow old together, and always remember, whether we're happy or sad or whatever, we'll still have each other, forever and always."

I finish the vow I'm on, but the beeps on the monitor are getting too slow. Your voice is almost too low for me to understand what you're saying. Before the beeps stopped, and it seems as if I couldn't cry anymore, as if I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, you told me, "I, will you love forever, forever and always. Please just remember, that if I'm not there, I'll always love you, forever and always."

NOTE: Okay. Wow. I wrote this, it's pretty sad, do you agree? Review!


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 6:31 pm
EmilyLemke wrote a review...



Hello,
Wow. I love what you managed to do with it. First, I love that song so much, and tear up and sometimes cry while I listen to it. So, when I saw the title of this I was immediately drawn to it.
What you did with the song and how you worked it into a story was nearly incredible. I love how you stayed true with the song by adding in lines from it. Especially the chorus:

"I couldn't move, you told me, "I, will you love forever, forever and always. Please just remember, that if I'm not there, I'll always love you, forever and always.""

Although, I do believe in some places you used the lyrics of the song too much. Where I was singing the song in my head instead of reading your work. Such as:

"I finish the vow I'm on, but the beeps on the monitor are getting too slow. Your voice is almost too low"

And also:

"I pulled up to the entrance. I walked up to the front desk. They led me down a million halls, "a maze that's never ending," "

I believe that the words of the song are so well played out and so meaningful. I love your take on the song and how you worked it into a story, just at certain parts make the story YOURS more. Own the influence that you have received. There are certain parts, like the chorus of the song, that work really well. And without that part the whole meaning of the song would be altered. But in order to make this short story truly yours, use your own words and make it more relatable to the reader. Use more imagery in the story. Read it over pretending like you have never heard the song before and add in things that someone who really hasn't ever heard it would find confusing.

Overall: I love the idea that you have about turning a song that holds so much meaning into a short story. You have very good connections. Just go back and add in things to own the story.

-Emily




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Mon Dec 23, 2013 8:19 pm
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Cheetah wrote a review...



Hi Holly, Cheetah here to review your piece!

I really liked this, it was like I was in her life, watching it unfold. The strongest part, and the part I liked best, was the ending. You conducted that part wonderfully. How it ended with him saying, "I, will you love forever, forever and always. Please just remember, that if I'm not there, I'll always love you, forever and always." Perfect.

I only have a few small things to point out, so let's get down to business.

First off, I wanted to acknowledge the fact that you didn't mention any names. I've seen this before and it gives the reader a sense of involvement because it doesn't feel so much like the story's going on with people they don't know. Good job.

I was interrupted by a loud, ringing noise, telling me the phone was going off.

I think that this was phrased somewhat awkwardly and it threw off the flow. Perhaps you could change it to something like 'I was interrupted by a loud, ringing noise coming from my phone.' This is just a personal taste, so it's okay if you want to leave it as it is.

I believe when you said 'I called a nurse and she brought up a Chaplin' you meant 'I called a nurse and she brought up a chaplain'

This looks great! I love all the emotion you put into this story and you didn't seem to leave anything important out or put anything unimportant in. Thanks for sharing this and keep writing! :D




hollyhuez says...


Thank you for saying that! It's made my day! I was going to put names, but then I was like, "waaaiiiittt nah" ^-^



Cheetah says...


Great! Writer's Instinct on your part. ;)



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Mon Dec 23, 2013 7:08 pm
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RachelLeeAnn wrote a review...



Hello, there!
Rachel here to review! :)

First off:
I am so happy to find someone who loves this song as much as I do! I found it a couple years ago and became obsessed with Parachute!
That being said:
You wrote this beautifully. Its a sad, heart-wrenching song, and your story brought it justice. You created great imagery, and readers can sense the emotion and feeling behind everything. Beautiful.

A couple grammatical errors:

I thought of when you asked me to marry you. It was a bitterly cold December night, but you insisted on taking me out.
This shouldn't be a hyphen. I also felt the last sentence was a little unfinished.

Forever and always, through the good, the bad, and the ugly.


"I will you love forever; forever and always. Please just remember that even if I'm not there, I'll always love you forever and always."

This sentence had far too many commas. I understand that the song sounds that way, but in writing like this those pauses are implied without commas.
That was all I noticed on the technical side.

One nitpick:
You quietly said, "I want you forever, forever and always. Through the good and the bad and the ugly, we'll grow all together, forever and always."
I believe the song says "we'll grow old together." It would probably sound better that way, as "we're grow all together" doesn't really make sense.

Also, in general, I felt a couple of the lines used from the song were too direct. Like this one:
I finish the vow I'm on, but the beeps are getting too slow, and your voice is almost too low.

That's almost a direct quote from the song, and the rhyme of it makes it seem too copied. Perhaps changing this sentence to something like this?
I finish the vow I'm on, but the beeps from the monitor are getting too slow. Your voice is so low it's almost inaudible. I strain to hear your words.


I noticed this same "direct quote" problem in this sentence here, if you would like to edit it.
They led me down a million halls, "a maze that's never ending,"

That's just my opinion- if you wanted to keep the direct quotes, definitely do so!

Overall: beautiful work! This could bring people to tears. Great job.
Keep writing! :)
-Rae




hollyhuez says...


Thank you so much. I get your point about what you said with the direct quotes and all. I'm going to fix all the grammar mistakes now. Thank you for pointing them out.




Find wonder in the everyday, find everyday language to articulate it.
— Maurice Manning