z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

KAC Chapter 1

by braydog25


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Hello all I have reposted this whole chapter as I didn't edit it, more or less I took all feedback into account and deconstructed the original chapter and reconstructed it . Props for the first bit go to Archer for giving me the new start to this chapter :)

Thanks also to Lucrezia who has helped edit this chapter and will hopefully be helping edit many more chapters :)

Chapter One

What would you do if you came home from school to find your parents hurriedly packing everything up, telling you that you were leaving the area immediately? How would you feel if that night you found out that they were members of a secret rogue organization?

Incredulous? Yeah. Me too.

Peter, is that you?

Yes, Mum, it’s me, I want to tell you something . . . I understand that you like my red hair and all but I was getting teased at school for it so . . . well, I dyed it.

I practised those lines in my head as I walked home, as someone may practise lines for a play or memorize the script of a film. I was ready to face the music.

Walking up to the door, I slid my hand into my pocket and felt my fingers touch the smooth metal of the house key. Thank God, I thought, that’s one of my problems out the way.

With this task done I set about the next job of telling my mum.

She came down the stairs with three suitcases just as I stepped inside, and quipped at me, “Here you go, Peter, that’s all your stuff. We’re leaving.”

Leaving?” I repeated. “Why are we leaving? Dad has the perfect job on the force right here.”

Yes, I know, but you see . . . your dad . . . he’s been relocated because there’s evidence the Killer Assassin Clan might be located in New York. He’s moving to the NYPD in order to bring them down.”

As she finished speaking I saw her sparkling blue eyes twitch, not much but enough for a strand of blonde hair to move across her face. I knew then that she wasn’t tell me the truth.

You’re lying, Mum,” I stated. “I saw your eyes twitch, and they only do that when you lie.”

Nonsense, Peter,” she said. “And what on earth did you do to your hair? We’ll have to get that fixed before you start your new school.”

What new school? I hated my current one, sure, but I wasn’t about to up and leave it without a good reason. Especially not after Mum had promised last time that we wouldn’t move again.

I’m not leaving. You told me that this was it, that this town was our home. You won’t even tell me why we’re going! No, I’m not moving ever, I like it here and I won’t just let you take me away again.”

Fine,” my mother retorted, visibly starting to get angry with me, “but we leave tomorrow with or without you. Do you want to be a part of this family? If the answer is yes, then meet me here tomorrow morning at six.”

After she finished yelling at me, I stormed off to my room. Well, what was left of it, anyway. The gymnastic posters were gone along with my pictures. Now all that remained was the ocean blue paint on the walls and my small single bed.

Mum must of already packed up all my things and have them in the suitcase for when we leave tomorrow, I thought.

Yes, that’s right, I did just contradict myself. Truth is, I don’t really care about moving. I mean, I knew it was going to happen again eventually.

The only reason I refused to leave was to buy my dad some time. I love my mother but that display downstairs . . . well, it made me worry she was planning on leaving Dad for some reason and wants to take me away from him too. I wanted him to be a part of our family, even if he was a dick head sometimes.

I refused to have dinner that night and began to pay for it later on; my stomach started grumbling insistently by eight. Luck was on my side, however, as my dad stopped by soon thereafter with some pizza.

Your mum didn’t want to have to clean any of the dishes before we leave tomorrow,” Dad replied to my unspoken question.

So you’re coming with us?”

Yes, of course, mate,” he answered cheerfully.

But why are we going, Dad? Mum told me you got a new job, but it seemed she was lying because her eyes did that twitching thing.”

Don’t be so hard on your mum. She was trying to make it easier for you, that’s all. As for why it is we’re leaving . . .” He smiled brightly, showing off his dazzlingly white teeth. “I can’t tell you that. Not until we get there.”

Then where are we going, Dad? Can you at least tell me that?”

No. Because that’s a secret even I don’t know.” He followed this up with a wink. “Anyway, you can eat up here. We have a long day tomorrow and you’re going to have to get up even earlier if you want to shave off that stubble you’ve got going, can’t have you looking scruffy for the ladies you might meet.” He chuckled.

You see, that was the thing with my dad. He always went on about my stubble, as he called it, when in reality it was all of about three hairs under my chin. I guess it was his way of telling me I’d inherited something other than his red hair.

Well, goodnight son,” he said abruptly, ending the conversation since he had nothing else to say to me.

I have always been closer with my mother for a reason. My dad found it rather awkward talking to me as my interests aren’t as masculine as he would have liked them to be---which is why our last conversation wasn’t longer.

Goodnight, Dad,” I replied, also having nothing else to add.

I think back now and quite frankly I am happy that I had a better relationship with my mum than my dad because if I was closer to him, what happened next would have hurt me a whole lot more.


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:23 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hi there!

‘ Peter is that you home’ ‘ yes mum it’s me, I want to tell you something mum I understand that you like my red hair and all but I was getting teased for it at school for it so well I dyed it.


A few nitpicks here:
1. Since this is two characters talking, you need to put a space between the dialogue. Break it up so the reader knows that Peter and his mother are two different people.
2. 'Peter, are you home?' -- that's a question, so treat it like sorts. Add in a question mark.
3. Since Peter is only thinking these things, I suggest you remove all quotation marks and instead add in italics. That's what authors normally do in novels, is italic thoughts so the reader can tell the difference between thoughts and actual dialogue.

someone may practise lines for a play or practise there speech


Ack! The age-old "their there they're" mistake! The one you're looking for is their, so you might want to edit that. Here's a useful article to read if you need more help.

Im not leaving tonight mum, im not leaving ever, I like it here and im not letting you take me away from here”.


These are major nonos in grammar. You need to make sure that you always uppercase the I and add in an apostrophe -- I'm.

God night dad” I replied


Change to -- good.


Nitpicks --
1. Run on sentences. You've got so many of them. Read this and edit your piece. Fix all of these mistakes, because they mess up the flow of your story and make it a pain in the butt to read. It makes all the grammar Nazis cringe. ;)
2. Dialogue. You have a tendency cram dialogue together, like you're afraid of running out of room. Don't be! Dialogue is a necessity to space out. When you switch from person A speaking to person B, you need to have a nice gap between the text to people don't get confused on who's saying what. You also need to have a gap from when a person stops talking to you describing the scene. Read this and this for more help.
3. You've got a lot of improper contractions. If you aren't sure what that is, read this. Some examples of your mistakes are: im, id. Those need to be fixed.

Overall -- I think you have a nice start going! You've got a lot of grammatical errors that need to be fixed, because they make the flow choppy and it's hard to properly read and review your story when my mind keeps screaming "ERROR" when I see one. Besides that, you have a nice plot line going, and I can relate with the main character on moving, especially with starting a new school. That's always hard.

Off to read chapter two! Oh, and what does KAC mean?

-Iggy




braydog25 says...


thanks iggy sorry haven't been on for a while I am aware that I make a lot of errors. Normally even after I read through the story three or four times I still cant find the errors so thanks for pointing some out



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Mon Dec 23, 2013 6:59 pm
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi! Lucrezia here to review.

This is a really, really great start! You kept it short but not too short, it flowed nicely, the MC already has my interest… overall, I'm very impressed with this and will be looking forward to chapter two!

That said, I do have some nitpicks.

“Leaving” I exclaimed “why are we leaving dad has the perfect job on the force here”. “Yes I know that but you see your dad he’s been relocated because there’s evidence the killer assassin clan might be located in New York now, so he’s moving to the NYPD in order to bring them down” my mum replied.


Okay, I call this the Ultimate Writer Sin. It's where you put two different character's dialogue back-to-back without a paragraph in between. It confuses the reader, doesn't look pretty, and just basically sucks.

But don't let me scare you. Plenty of other writers on here have made the same mistake. I myself used to do it all the time when I was younger. So, you're not alone. ;)

Here's an example of what that SHOULD look like:

"Leaving?" I exclaimed. "Why are we leaving? Dad has the perfect job on the force right here."

"Yes, I know, but you see . . . your dad . . . he's been relocated because there's evidence the Killer Assassin Clan might be located in New York. He's moving to the NYPD in order to bring them down."

See the differences? I added a paragraph break after the MC's dialogue and before his mother's, some much-needed punctuation, and a few stylistic choices. The dot-dot-dots, for example, aren't really necessary but they do look nice and add a bit to the dialogue. I capitalized "Killer Assassin Clan" because it looks more official and ominous. Just some ideas to play around with. ;)

“Your lying mum I stated I saw your eyes twitch they only do that when you lie”


Should be: "You're lying, Mum," I stated. "I saw your eyes twitch. They only do that when you lie."

“Fine my mother retorted visibly starting to get angry with me but we leave tomorrow with or without you, you make the choice do you want to be apart of this family if the answer yes then meet me out here tomorrow morning at six o’clock”.


Should be: "Fine," my mother retorted, visibly growing angry, "but we leave tomorrow with or without you. You make the choice. Do you want to be a part of this family? If the answer is yes, then meet me here tomorrow morning at six."

Now for some stuff I like:

You see that was the thing with my dad he always went on about my stubble as he called it when in reality it was all of about three hairs under my chin. I guess it was his way of telling me id inherited something other than his red hair.


I really liked this part. It lets us know more about the relationship between father and son without making it too obvious. Nice job.

I think back now and quite frankly I am happy that I had a better relationship with my mum than him because if I was closer to him, what happened next would have hurt me a whole lot more.


This is a great way to end the first chapter. It leaves us with a bit of mystery, and eager to find out more. Great work.

And finally:

Going to be honest here and admit my grammar I still very flawed and this is mainly due to disability which affects my ability to put what im thinking of into words. All criticism though is appreciated


I can see how that would be frustrating. This is a really strong start, though. If you ever need an editor to help with the minor technical details, I'd be more than happy to help. :)




braydog25 says...


Thanks lucrezia for the review im looking for help in the future if you could help that would be great, ive just finished the second chapter so that will be up today. If you want to help contact me with a way to contact you and ill send you chapter 3 when I finish it :)


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deleted30 says...


Okay, awesome. You can copy and paste your chapter into a PM, or you can email it to me at queen_lucrezia@yahoo.com. Either works. ;)



braydog25 says...


thanks lucrezia ill email you the first two chapters through once I finish trying to edit them and have you see if you can pick any more up.


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deleted30 says...


Great! ^_^



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Mon Dec 23, 2013 9:32 am
braydog25 says...



Going to be honest here and admit my grammar I still very flawed and this is mainly due to disability which affects my ability to put what im thinking of into words. All criticism though is appreciated





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