Hey, I really like this concept! I feel like it's very poignant and meaningful, but I think that your flow and communication of the point could be more clearly defined.
A lot of times, the phrasing is choppy, and because of this I'm having trouble getting into the poem. I think you could easily add and remove a couple words to keep the rhythm going.
Also, I just think the point of the poem will come more into focus if you remove the names at the end. Suddenly, these names are thrown in and it's a little distracting. I don't know, maybe that's just me.
Either way, I really like this poem! Thanks for writing, and good luck!
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Reviews: 94
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