Is it just me, or did I see some irony at the end? Like, Behemoth calls Alex 'Fluffy', indicating her as his pet, but the view would make it seem he's her pet because of his size. Lol.
The dragon was big. Naturally, of course, but Alex was still surprised by just how much it towered over her, a fortress of scales rhythmically pulsing in time with deep breaths. Alex quivered.
‘Tell me…’ the dragon said, its voice the slow rumble of thunder, ‘tell me why I should not just eat you.’
‘Well,’ Alex said, thinking. ‘Well, I probably don’t taste very nice.’
The dragon regarded her. ‘Humans rarely do. Humans rarely do. But it stops them stealing from me.’
Alex was not there to steal from the dragon. She was not a knight looking for glory, or a bandit looking for riches, or a princess trying to prove that she’s just as good as any man. Alex was there because she drank too much ale and got lost on the way home from the tavern. She wasn’t sure the dragon would accept that as an excuse, though. ‘There are other ways to stop people stealing from you,’ she offered, trying to ignore the wisps of smoke that drifted from the creature’s maw. ‘You don’t need to eat them. Maybe you could just scare them off.’
‘They would return. And return with allies. Eating is a more permanent solution to the problem.’
‘Okay, true, but I’m still sure there’s a better solution. Maybe if we think real hard together we’ll figure something out.’
The dragon gave a puff, and acrid smoke bellowed over Alex. Her eyes watered, but she managed to resist the urge to cough. The dragon rested its head on its crossed forelegs. ‘You are an … odd individual.’
‘I think I’m still a bit drunk,’ Alex admitted.
‘Humans.’ A clicking noise emanated from the dragon, a noise that sounded suspiciously like tutting. ‘You are the only species that intentionally makes itself less intelligent for fun.’
The lair glowed gold around them, the sum result of thousands of coins piled in heaps around the dragon. Most of them were congregated beneath and around it, almost like the straw-bedding that a pet dog would sleep in. A thought occurred to Alex. ‘If you let me live, you could be my pet.’
There was an empty silence for a moment as the sparkling refuse surrounding them absorbed her voice — and then the dragon unfurled and stood and rose to its full height, its serpentine head held high. ‘I am over six thousand years old.’ Its already thundering voice increased even further in volume and the booming noise shook Alex’s insides. ‘I have seen civilisations rise and fall. I have consumed countess thousands of souls. I have spoken words with the Almighty Himself, and found Him to my contempt.’ To Alex, nothing existed — no lair, no gold, no outside world — except for that voice; it was all encompassing. ‘I am Behemoth, and I am no thing’s pet.’
‘Okay. Well — I could be your pet, then?’
Another moment of silence, and then this time the dragon — Behemoth, it’d said its name was — lowered itself, its body coiling back in on itself. Amber eyes peered in close. ‘I have never had a pet before.’ For the first time, its voice was quiet.
‘You’ve been missing out.’
‘What does one do with a pet?’
‘Not eat it, for a start.’
Behemoth was thoughtful, its grey scales flashing in the golden glow with each deep breath it sucked in. The smoke had stopped drifting from its mouth. Wings — huge, black canvases that awed Alex — slowly unfolded and stretched as far as they could in the cramped lair. ‘Very well. I shall adopt you as my pet. And I shall name you Fluffy.’
‘I already have a name,’ Alex said. ‘It’s Alex.’
‘And now it is Fluffy. It suits you.’
Alex looked down at herself in alarm. ‘It does?’
‘I can place some gold down in the corner for you to sleep on. I will catch a cow or a horse or a farmer each day for you to eat.’ Behemoth spoke fast, each word edged with excitement. ‘You will be quite comfortable, I think.’
‘Behemoth, that’s real sweet of you, but I don’t think I can live like that. I can’t sleep on gold, or eat farmers. I need human food, and water, and a human home…’
Behemoth hesitated, and then seemed to shrink into himself. ‘Of course. How presumptuous of me.’ His wings drooped. ‘I am not sure I could fit a human home in here.’
‘The pet thing was just a suggestion. Maybe it wouldn’t work. It’s okay.’
‘No. I am sorry. I should have realised that humans cannot live like an Immortal. I got … caught up with myself.’
Alex shuffled her feet in the ensuing awkward silence, bit her lip, and then said, ‘Are you going to eat me now?’
Behemoth had gone back to resting his head on his front legs. He let out a smokey sigh. ‘No.’
‘So, can I go?’
‘You may go, if it pleases you.’
Alex turned to go, guilt sitting in her stomach like a pebble. It was a silly feeling, she knew, and maybe it was being fuelled by alcohol more than anything, so best she didn’t do anything rash about-
‘You want to come with me?’ she found herself saying.
Behemoth looked up.
‘I mean,’ she continued, ‘I don’t know where you’d stay, or what you’d eat, or how I’d stop people from trying to kill you, or anything like that. So maybe it’s just another silly idea.’
‘It is possible. I have methods and means to pass about without too much notice.’
Alex looked up at the dragon. ‘Not to be offensive, but I don’t see how that’s possible. You have … big bones. You’re rather noticeable.’
‘Behold.’ And white light burst from Behemoth’s eyes, and then his mouth, and then from between the thousands of scales that covered his body. He became a blazing star, fierce and radiant. Even with her eyes shut and face covered, Alex released a gasp of pain.
And then it was all over, and Behemoth was gone, replaced by a sudden void.
Alex shook her head, trying to return her distorted eyesight to normal.
‘I apologise,’ a voice said, ‘I should have warned you.’ The voice had the same baritone as Behemoth, but lacked the intense volume. And, interestingly, it came from lower down.
‘That’s okay,’ Alex said, and shook her head again. As her eyesight fizzled back into existence she could see that although, yes, the massive bulk of Behemoth was gone, perched on the gold was — no bigger than the average rat — a tiny dragon looking up at her.
‘As I said, I have methods and means.’
‘You need to teach me how to do that,’ Alex said.
‘If you give up alcohol, I will consider it.’
Alex nodded, and then realised this was actually happening. A dragon — a miniature dragon — was going to follow her home. ‘This is going to be different.’
Behemoth gave a squeak, and then took to the air. ‘Aaaah, it feels good to fly again. I have missed this.’ He did a quick few laps around Alex’s head.
‘What about your gold? Who’s going to look after it whilst you’re away?’
‘I have … methods and means to protect it.’
Alex didn’t doubt him. ‘So then,’ she said, ‘time to go home. To my home. You know, I think you’ll like it there.’
Behemoth perched on her shoulder and nodded his head. He barely weighed anything. His little voice rung in her ear:
‘Right then, lead the way, Fluffy. Lead the way.’
Is it just me, or did I see some irony at the end? Like, Behemoth calls Alex 'Fluffy', indicating her as his pet, but the view would make it seem he's her pet because of his size. Lol.
This was a very enchanting story and I loved every moment of it! I love the idea of the protagonist accidentally stumbling into the dragon's lair and striking a deal with it. There aren't very many suggestions that I can make except for this: please use normal quotation marks (" "). This is only because it's rather distracting that you've changed it up.
I really think that you should make this into a novel! The idea of it is very interesting and I would love love love to read more!
Great work! Good luck! Keep writing!
That was a very well-written piece, especially with the dialogue, you also described Behemoth very well. Highlighting the features and his personality, especially with fluffy. That was quite brilliant.
I was imagining he would turn into a boy, a small one or something like that. You know, it would have been rather funny but small works too.
Anyways, is still a very well-written piece..are you going to continue this? You should!
Oh my gosh!!!
This was so good! I haven't been on here for a while, and coming back by reading this?! I felt like I wanted to read more!
I loved the dragon at the beginning. He was awesome.
Although I didn't like it so much that he turned small, but I have to say interesting idea. I imagined him almost getting squashed, and how powerless would he then feel? A mighty beast such as himself I mean.
There were some typos, but nothing you couldn't fix~
I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this piece!!! Thanks for the entertainment and hope to read more from you very soon!!!
Ciao Sureal,
Oy, bloody long-time no...well, I suppose 'write', as there's no seeing on YWS but through the lens of words.
Anyhow, the levity and quick-pace of this caught me immediately. Dialogue tends to draw one in. At the same time, I almost dodged off during the first exchange.
"The dragon was big. Naturally, of course, but Alex was still surprised by just how much it towered over her, a fortress of scales rhythmically pulsing in time with deep breaths. Alex quivered.
‘Tell me…’ the dragon said, its voice the slow rumble of thunder, ‘tell me why I should not just eat you.’
‘Well,’ Alex said, thinking. ‘Well, I probably don’t taste very nice.’
The dragon regarded her. ‘Humans rarely do. Humans rarely do. But it stops them stealing from me.’
Alex was not there to steal from the dragon. She was not a knight looking for glory, or a bandit looking for riches, or a princess trying to prove that she’s just as good as any man. Alex was there because she drank too much ale and got lost on the way home from the tavern. She wasn’t sure the dragon would accept that as an excuse, though. ‘There are other ways to stop people stealing from you,’ she offered, trying to ignore the wisps of smoke that drifted from the creature’s maw. ‘You don’t need to eat them. Maybe you could just scare them off.’
‘They would return. And return with allies. Eating is a more permanent solution to the problem.’
‘Okay, true, but I’m still sure there’s a better solution. Maybe if we think real hard together we’ll figure something out.’
The dragon gave a puff, and acrid smoke bellowed over Alex. Her eyes watered, but she managed to resist the urge to cough. The dragon rested its head on its crossed forelegs. ‘You are an … odd individual.’
‘I think I’m still a bit drunk,’ Alex admitted.
‘Humans.’ A clicking noise emanated from the dragon, a noise that sounded suspiciously like tutting. ‘You are the only species that intentionally makes itself less intelligent for fun."
All of the above seemed rather like a warm-up; and although it begins to introduce the characters, I did not get an impression of the stage, or a hint at the events that preceded. In fact, I'd suggest axing it and beginning with what hooked me, and made me laugh rather --
" ‘If you let me live, you could be my pet.’ "
Oy, the incongruity of that statement in a dragon's lair, addressed to a dragon sums up the entire oddity and strength of the piece in itself. Perhaps you could weave in the first bit I felt bogged down by after, or not. But I'd love to see what it would look like beginning on that statement, with the description of the lair following rather than preceding it. The drunk-exchange could also follow it, and would segue in naturally from the inanity of suggesting a dragon be a pet to a human as solution to ...not being eaten.
DIALOGUE
As far as the dialogue, while the pace was snappy and well-balanced, I didn't get a strong sense of VOICE. Tension lagged somewhat too, as if the 3rd person narrator were actually as detached/drunken as Alex. Oy, I'd like to see you toy with diction for Behemoth -- or even syntax. Though I liked Alex's befuddled short phrases, she also sounded rather rote: modern, must-shore-up-minimal-narration-with-remarks-such-as 'This is going to be different.' You've got the less-is-more approach here, and do it well -- I think in the dialogue, you might tighten and fine tune it with characters' voices being differentiated more keenly, and even cutting more of the less, if that's a comprehensible way of putting it. ^_^
Appreciatively speaking, I loved the Fluffy-remark, and Alex's reaction -- the humour there highlights the strength of the piece: brief, incongruous, types/tropes-turned-on-heads.
IMP
This was interesting. It kept my attention the whole time. I was surprised to find an unexpected twist at the end. I love when stories are unpredictable. It was a rather humorous tale about how a teenager outsmarts a flesh-eating dragon into not killing her. I liked your style. Keep up the good work. No mistakes.
This is good, and I was primaraly drawn in by the title. it has a basis of dialogue and character, both of which work well, and you have used a common experiance, being drunk. Not that I drink. There are no spelling errors that I can see, and the punctuation is varied and accurate. I am begining to sound like an english teacher. The last line is particularly powerful. Also you started during an action point, without confusion due to the readers familuarity and the explanatory title.
I hope this helps you.
Take That You Fiend!
I really liked the interactions in this. They were satisfying but also somewhat realistic.
This is probably the best dragon piece I've read here. I also like your descriptions. I laughed at the part where Alex admitted she was a little bit drunk, and I loved the way that it ended. Great job! 
Keep writing!
This was actually quite amazing. I really enjoyed it. The storyline in and of itself seems like a pretty traditional tale to me - a classic story of two individual souls that aren't supposed to be friends, but somehow find a way to put their differences behind them. I thought it was creative though to show this sense of unity though between a human and a dragon. It almost seemed like a fairy tale to me, the way it was written. Really interesting chemistry between the characters too:
'I probably don’t taste very nice.’
The dragon regarded her. ‘Humans rarely do. Humans rarely do. But it stops them stealing from me.’
I loved that. And when she offers to be his pet, and says that he can't eat her if she's a pet. The whole dialogue back and forth between them was just excellent.
This was amazing, it really was. I loved the bond that grew between the two characters It was quite humorous as well. There were a few typos (apologies for not disappointing out, I am in hurry) but Think others will find them for you. I thought you did a good job of describing the scene without boring me with details .However, I didn't get that they were in the cave until about halfway through. Think you could make it a little more apparent?
Besides that I really liked it. I think you captured both character's attitudes well in a short space of time. Overall a pretty good piece of work with just a little bit of polishing needed.
I think this is actually mind of cute. It isn't the normal sort of dragon story that you read. I don't think that anyone else has ever thought of a human being a pet for a dragon or what the dragon would call this new pet. I think it's really sweet.
Everything seems to be in order, but you might want to use the double quotation mark instead of the single when someone's talking.
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