I woke up sprawled out on the couch two hours later with a bad taste in my mouth. It took me a moment to gather my thoughts and remember everything that had happened but when I did, the first thing I did was dash to the front door and make sure it was locked tightly.
Wren. His name was Wren and he’d saved my life and left like it was nothing. Admittedly that made me the tiniest bit angry. I hadn’t had the chance to thank him and I probably wouldn’t. Sure, he’d promised we’d meet again but people make promises they don’t mean all the time; promises were made to be broken.
Sinking down with my back against the door, the coldness seeping through my thin t-shirt and I wrestled with the emotion that threatened to choke me--namely fear. I had literally almost died not two hours ago and now I was alone, filled to the brim with questions I’d never get answered. I toyed with the idea of calling the cops but Wren’s low voice rang in my head, ‘that’s probably the worst thing you could do.’ There was nothing I could do, actually, except try to forget about him or believe he’d been telling the truth when he’d said he’d tell me the next time we met.
I stood up from the cherrywood floor, clinging to the hope of seeing him again and went into the kitchen. The light over the stove was on but that wasn’t bright enough for me. There was darkness everywhere and I was still entirely too paranoid to cope with that so I turned on both the ceiling lights and the overhead lights, expelling all of the shadows around me. My stomach growled and it hit me. I was absolutely starving. The fridge had never looked so inviting and I pulled open the chrome door, rattling jars and bottles as I searched for something to eat. In the end I settled for a grilled cheese and half a can of tomato soup that I heated in the microwave and brought back into the den where I could clearly envision Wren slouched against the armchair eyeing me coolly.
I shook my head to clear thoughts of him and turned on the TV. It was Friday night and there was bound to be something good on.
An hour later, two hours earlier than she expected, Delaney showed up. When she knocked at the door I gasped and debated getting a weapon, and then she said, “Babe, open up!” in her instantly recognizable voice. I breathed a sigh of relief, sped to the door, and unlocked it for her. “Thank God that rain’s finally stopped; I would’ve been soaked what with you locking me outside and all. Good Lord, Rose, what happened to your hair?” Delaney pushed past me into the house and I shut the door behind her, rolling my eyes. I had to have a full-blown afro by this point.
“Sorry about that,” I said. I usually left the door unlocked for her but once again, my wariness of intruders got the best of me. Suddenly I got the urge to tell Delaney everything about my night—the gunman and the dead guy that came back to life and the stranger who’d saved me.
“And what’s more,” she went on, “you can’t leave scrap metal lying around your yard, darling. I nearly broke my foot tripping over this.” Delaney waved a u-shaped piece of metal I hadn’t taken note of sooner at me. The poker. I swallowed my intentions of telling her about my evening right then and there, the thought of what might happen if Abe or Wren or Cirron found out I’d told her. It hadn’t struck me before, how incredibly strong Abe must’ve been to bend the thick piece of metal. I didn’t hold it in so much for myself as I did for her; I wouldn’t be able to deal with it if any of them came after Delaney.
I took the poker from her hands, feigning bewilderment. “What is this?” The metal felt heavy and exceptionally cold in my hands and I resisted the urge to let it fall to the floor.
“Doesn’t matter, forget about it,” Delaney said with a shrug. She wandered off into the den and I took the poker to the kitchen, dropping it in the trashcan with a loud, metallic bang and went in search of my friend.
“I was thinking,” Delaney called from what I guessed was the full-length mirror in the hall, which happened to be her favorite place in my house, “if it’s not raining like the second flood tomorrow, we should go out to Jekko Beach.”
I rounded the corner and found her admiring herself. If there was ever a fatal flaw, it was Delaney’s obsession with her appearance. She had long, fiery red hair that offset her creamy complexion and swung straight as a pin to her voluptuous waist. She had the hips of a belly dancer and wore a 36D and was convinced she was overweight but she didn’t realize that she was perfectly proportioned. I was jealous of her to a fault.
I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms. “D, quit looking at yourself,” I said tiredly.
“Sorry, can’t help it, darling. You know that. So Jekko, yes or no? I could use some sun.” Delaney held out a pale wrist and examined it under the hall light. We both knew very well that sun was the last thing either of us needed; we burned like paper and always came home complaining.
“Sure,” I said to appease her. Delaney flashed a white smile at me. I couldn’t help but hope that a day on the ocean would be good for me. Would help me forget about Wren.
“Great! It’ll be fun, I promise. The real start to our summer. Now let’s go get our fill of Mr. Gosling for the night,” she said, and headed for the den.
“Wake up you tosser!” Delaney shouted. I could murder her. I yanked my blanket further over my head and rolled away from her loudness, desperately clawing at the shreds of a dream that I couldn’t quite remember. “C’mon,” she said. “We’ve got things to do, Rosie, you bum!”
One of Delaney’s other major downfalls was that she seemed to have a painfully cheery disposition in the mornings. I hated it. Once she’d dumped a pitcher of ice water on me to wake me up for Black Friday shopping at three in the morning and I didn’t speak to her for a week.
“Shut up,” I managed to grumble. She responded by yanking my blanket away and I groaned, covering my face with my hands. “Don’t do this, not today, Delaney.”
I could hear the pout in her voice before she even spoke. “But we’re supposed to go to the beach. You promised.” I did promise but I also didn’t endorse being up at whatever godawful hour of the morning it was. Another groan escaped me.
“What time is it even?”
“Seven. We’ve got to get moving if we’re going to make it before the crowds, Rose, now let’s go!” Delaney yanked at my wrist and nearly pulled me off the couch I’d fallen asleep on. I finally accepted that I wasn’t getting out of this and I got up and rubbed the crusty sleep from my eyes.
I looked at Delaney, who was fully dressed. Fully dressed in beach gear. I could’ve slapped her. “You planned this, didn’t you?” I demanded, suddenly very irritated. Delaney shrugged at me and painted an innocent look on her face.
“Planned what? I was going to wear this today anyway,” she said with a childish glint in her eyes. Eyes that I wanted to claw out at this particular moment.
“Whatever. I’m going to get dressed.”
I trudged out of the room and Delaney called after me, “Be ready in thirty! Wear that maroon bikini with the fringy bit up top, it’ll make your tits look grand!”
Against my intense aversion to Delaney at the moment of deciding, I did wear the maroon bikini, along with a black cover-up and black flip-flops. The dark colors balanced out with my paleness and unlike Delaney I had no intention of getting burnt today. I tied my hair back in a low, sloppy bun and put a maroon sunhat on my head and threw a bottle of sunscreen, a towel, my wallet, and my keys into a tote bag and went back downstairs. She was waiting for me by the door.
“Darling, we’re going to the beach, not a funeral,” she teased.
“Shut up, D.”
“I’m just kidding with you, Rosie. You look beautiful, as usual. You’re beautiful and I’m hot. See the difference?” Delaney smirked. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or insulted.
“Thanks, I guess. Which suit are you wearing anyway?” I went to the kitchen to get bottles of water. If there was one thing I was unwilling to spend money on it was Jekko’s overpriced food and drinks. For good measure I grabbed us both a granola bar. Delaney followed me.
“It’s that tribal print bandeau I bought two weekends ago for losing a pound. I figured now would be as good a time as ever to break it in, right?” I nodded. “Hey, let’s take use your car. I went to my mechanic the other day and he said my engine had a leak or some rubbish like that. I don’t want to risk us getting blown up,” Delaney said as we walked outside into the sun that was, to my surprise, streaming strongly through the oak tree. The tree I’d been hidden behind a little more than twelve hours ago.
I looked around the yard expecting my yard to look different, somehow. It didn’t. I hadn’t forgotten about Wren or his promise and I couldn’t help finding myself glancing over my shoulder every five seconds to see if he’d magically appeared like yesterday. He didn’t.
I squeezed my eyes shut to dispel the thought of him. “Fine, but you’re driving,” I said, tossing the keys underhand to Delaney. She caught them with a fluency that must’ve come from playing ping-pong as religiously as she did and we settled into my car at 7:45 in the morning on our way to a day destined for fun in the sun.
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Hello! I'm just here to review your work here today! ^^
I will begin by saying that, apart from a few awkward sentences, I didn't have much of any complaints for grammatical errors. So, hats off to you for that. I think you're the first that I haven't had to correct anything regarding that sort of thing. Now, onto the rest of my review. I do have to say that I can agree with some of what Auxiira said before me. The storyline has been a bit predictable. And as a giant 'Hush, Hush' fan (which is the book Auxiira mentioned below) I can most definitely see the resemblance. Now, that being said, there are so many books out there that revolve around the same sort of plots that you can't truly complain about that sort of thing. I find it rather difficult to write a story that doesn't in some way resemble another. So, I would highly suggest for you to add some truly unpredictable twists to your story that draws the reader in so that the reader can't even think about how it resembles someone else's work.
I would also like to point out that you need to be careful not to use the same word periodically. This is something that's increasingly hard to do. I know, because I do it all the time and it literally takes me reading over it several times for me to actually notice how many times I use the same words or phrases. For example: for some odd reason, I enjoy putting 'ever so' before several 'ly' words such as 'gently, slightly.. etc' instead of just saying the word.It's irritating, but I do for some reason. Now, like Auxiira pointed out below, it could be something as simple as the word 'and'. Even using a small word like this several times can hurt your story as a whole. So, just try to be careful as you type it out. I would suggest waiting a couple of days after you're finished typing your chapters, to read over them and then correct. If you don't already do so. ^^
On another note, I have always been a die hard fan of these sort of 'mysterious stranger' stories and it's hard for me to not enjoy one. So, yours is absolutely no exception. I enjoyed reading your two chapters and hope that you will, in fact, continue! I will be watching and can't wait to read more! Keep up the good work!
~Saichi
Hey Cha! Auxii here to review your work today!
I have to say, I've read chapter one, and I did think 'typical teen flick'. I have read a lot of books recently that have started in a similar manner, with a mysterious stranger and the promise of another meeting. Just sayin'. (It also seems a lot like a book with a guy named Patch who was a fallen angel which I can't remember the title of for the life of me >.>It might be Fallen. Have you read it?)
Mainly
1: Your first paragraph. It is meant to make a good impression for the chapter, and frankly, if I had found this in a book, even at the second chapter, I would've put it down (which is normally sacrilege for me...)
How does she know it's two hours? She's just woken up, and you haven't said that she's looked at a clock or anything! I'm assuming she doesn't have a perfect internal clock, so how does she know? Tell us!
I'm beating up your first paragraph a little, because I really don't like it as a first paragraph.
I don't like this sentence. It's really quite badly constructed. I would've made it two sentences: It took me a moment to gather my thoughts and remember everything that had happened *period* Then, as it all came rushing back, I dashed to the front door and locked it tightly. That is how I would've written it. so also would've shown how scared she is. Don't say 'I was scared', show us her shaking hands, her quickening breath!
2: Right, I've noticed it already, and it's really annoying me. You are entirely too fond of "and". It is not an interesting word, and there are many which can replace it. For instance, this sentence:
If you replace the second "and" by ", then", it makes it more interesting. The person reading isn't just taking in a list then.
3: Show, not tell. You may have heard this before, and you will probably ear it again, but you tend to state emotions, rather than show them to us. I'm not saying you're the only one, even I do it, but please try not to. Take this for an example.
This. Either start it with "I sank down" or replace the "and" with a comma. Maybe separate this into two sentences to accentuate the fear! Also, you don't need two -, one's enough. If fear is choking her show us! Here's an example: "I sank down with my back to the door, feeling the cold seeping through y t-shirt and making me shiver. It wasn't just the cold though. My throat tightened and I found it hard to breathe through the haze of emotions crowding me." You have the fear through the shivering, and the choking!
4: these words are typical "teen speak" which I have absolutely no problems with (hell, I use it all the time, in two different languages) except when you present your character as a mature figure through most of the chapter. It is a new pet peeve of mine.
5: We do not want to know the exact details of what she's going to digest. Your rather long sentence is what we not-at-all-affectionately call an "info-dump". They are the bane of my existence, mainly because I'm awfully good at writing them, and therefore recognising them when other people write them. They're not a good thing. Another name for them could be 'unimaginative padding'. The link with her imagining Wren in the chair is illogical too.
6: You don't seem to have a very good grasp on when to use comma or not. Take these two examples:
7: Semi-colons. One way to think of this is to never use semi-colons when writing. It's extremely hard to use them properly in fiction and normally if you're using one then you could have made a new sentence.
8: Her anger over being woken up is slightly excessive. I have never met anyone who wanted to claw their best friend's eyes out after being woken up. Sure if it was her little brother, then I could more than understand, but her best friend? Not really likely.
9: She seems to be very particular about time. And 7:45 exactly isn't very plausible. 7:43 if you want, but 7:45?
10: This sentence bothers me. It really does. It wouldn't be fluency for a gesture, you mainly say that for someone's speech. Ie: I am fluent in French. You can have fluid gestures, but I think for this, you would more say: "She caught them deftly, in a way that could only have been achieved by playing ping-pong as religiously as she did." I also changed the end, because that was bugging me too, but see how much better the sentence flows? I also think that she could've gained those gestures from many other sports, but oh well *shrug*.
Overall:
You have a slight flow problem, and I find this really quite worked to fit in with the trend. It could do with some work, but if you polished it up, I think you could make it good!
Hope this helped and keep writing!
Auxii~
Auxiira,
Thanks for the criticism. I mean that. I'm glad you could point those things out to me and I'll definitely keep them in mind as I write. I haven't read Fallen but I'll check into that. Thanks again!
Hey I said that I would follow your stories didn't I? Well I am here to try to review.
Again you don't have any grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, punctuation misplacements, and everything that needed to be capitalized is capitalized. You are making this quite hard for reviewers to weed out nitpicks. Well I guess that means that you don't any nitpicking advice then.
I like how your plot is continuing into a well written story. Great job as before!
~lost
This is still the most interesting story that I want to read the ending to. I am so glad that you have kept this idea going. Your characters have developed more within this story. I really, really want to know who this Wren is.
If you don't mind by me asking, but could I use Wren's name in one if my stories? I just like his name so much, it's perfect.
Anyways, keep going with writing this story. It is really good.
Yeah, go for it!