Building

Hmm...this is quite an interesting poem. I almost feel like it's about the fall of the World Trade Centers, perhaps? Maybe I'm taking it too literally. It sounds childish and happy, but also very dark and twisted. It's very well done. However, there are a few issues that I had with it.

The only part that I found disjointed from the rest was the part:
"The screams pierce like sirens;
Your words, they break my self esteem,
There’s nothing left."
I feel like changing the focus to self-esteem messes with the flow of the poem, and it doesn't seem relevant. I don't understand how it fits in with the rest of the poem.

Lastly, I'm not sure whether you should put a semicolon or a comma between the two "Building"s? Maybe it's just me, but I think a comma would fit a bit more easily.

All in all, this is a very interesting poem, and thank you so much for writing!

It was hard to tell whether you were going for a playful tone or a serious tone--I'm going to assume serious. The parts where you wrote "Building / Building; Building / Break!" to me read a little bit like a playful child's poem. Maybe it was the exclamation point... But the other lines sounded very serious by contrast; the two parts just didn't seem to match.

I'm intrigued by the parts about the news vs. "Your words, they break my self esteem." However, I'm not sure what the connection is...other than the connection must have something to do with the "buildings" theme. I don't think it necessarily needs to be connected obviously with the first three lines (well, not the first three, but the first three not-buildings/break). However, the last three (non-building-related) lines take a big turn again. I'm probably not making a lot of sense right now and I apologize for my lack or organization/coherence.

To try to sum up my overall thoughts:
I already talked about Building/ Building; Building / Break!" I appreciate a consistent theme, and it's clearly the tie-in with the other lines; I'm just not sure how.
As for the other 9 lines, the first three are an interesting entry-point. They held my attention, made me curious. For the next three, the first line is very vivid, and the second fits well, it's good. The last line, "There's nothing left," I didn't think was very strong. It didn't really make me feel anything, and I wasn't sure what there was nothing left of. When you have a shorter piece like this, you have to say more with less. I think the rest of the piece is very close to achieving that, but this line, to me, just sounded trite.

Finally the last three:
"My job to sound the doldrums:
This time I'm having fun,
I listened to the news."
I love that you used the word doldrums. I think it would be better with a period or semi-colon after "fun." I was a little bit thrown off again by the mood of these lines. They seem either cheerful or sarcastic. Either way, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel through the whole piece. Shorter poetry is often more tricky than people think ("people" not necessarily meaning you). If you want to accomplish these emotional changes, the different sections of the poem still need to have some coherent connection overall.

I'm feeling a little frazzled tonight, so I hope this wasn't too confusing to follow. Let me know if you have any questions. All in all, this poem left me with a lot of curiosity. I hope if/when you edit it, I can see the changes!

Hello Bloodink, Hsarver here to review your wonderful poem. So to start I loved your imagery of building something and having it break, I still can't get over how phenomenally it was executed. The punctuation was perfect. Also, I loved how you used many things in this poem that people can relate to, it helped build the poem's emotion and impact. I loved how you made a short poem so impact and filled with such power. It really makes you think after you read it and sends an interesting message. Good job and keep writing! (I had nothing negative to say about it)