They say true fear is experienced when you realise that you're hopeless
When you can't come up for air, however shallow the waters.
When you face your darkest fears, but pinch yourself and find that you're not dreaming.
My greatest horrors were always concealed for when I'm sleeping,
So when they came to life, I slowly started dying.
I could never right my wrongs, unless I write them down for real,
So they maimed me, now no one can ever hear me scream.
As soon as I've problems, my peers shout CHURRRCCCCHH
You mean that place where you hide your smartphone with a bible?
Using Jesus as a facade to hide your true idol.
2 days in and my faith already feels weak
Funny thing is, Saturday's when I thought it had reached its peak.
But after my spiritual death on Sunday,
I had to spend my Monday mourning, digging, so by Friday I could bury you,
Deep in the trenches of my heart and then after 3 days, resurrect you.
But it was hard to put thought into action,
Due to my hearts desires being divided into many fractions,
But now I know I need you to be my whole-y father, brother, friend and doctor.
To heal me when I'm sick and fix me when I'm broken,
Pick me up when I've fallen, like an angel that descended from heaven in pieces,
I asked what the answer to all of it was and He replied "peace is"
Pain is a variant to love.
The ones that we care for hurt us the most, when push comes to shove.
So as I go through this journey, searching for that elusive white dove,
The truth becomes too hard to swallow,
And I find that I can no longer take refuge beneath the covers,
Nor can I find a place where this pain I can bestow,
So I manoeuvre my hand gently beneath my pillow
And take hold of the gun whose handle has become worn by my grip,
And my hand conformed to its smooth edges and rough tip.
My transmission from a silent citizen, to potential assassin is quick and swift
And as subtle as a German car's gear shift.
Before the driver breaches the speed limit,
He looks back, back into the eyes of his innocent child ... right before he kills it,
Right before he consciously takes his greatest gift from God to sure doom.
I did the same, as I stood in that cold and dark room.
Allowing my forefinger to slide into the embracive arch of the trigger,
I turned the gun from the floor, and aimed at the man standing in the mirror.
But this was no ordinary gun,
With this one, you needn't much strength to get the job done.
See most triggers are stiff, and quite hard to pull, to prevent you from making a mistake
This one needs only the softest touch, almost taunting you to force the Beast awake.
And once set free from its slumber,
The bullet breaking free from its dungeon like chamber,
It begins to engulf me.
It makes me hallucinate various fantasies
Of happiness and joy, of anguish and false intimacies.
Pain is relative to the euphoria preceding the regret.
I had promised myself that I would never do it again, that I'd try to forget.
Yet here I stand, with an empty cartridge,
Trying to erase the wrongs that the white man's wine did.
When you point a finger, 3 point back at you,
And they shot at me accusingly, like Medusa's eyes, turning me cold like a statue.... Turning me into one of the Hollow Men.
But before I could reach the point of no return,
Before I did more damage, I put down my sword and picked up a pen
And with my sins and sorrows, I violated the innocence of a plain, blank page.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Before I begin let me say that this is a really good poem, all things considered. There are many powerful thoughts and more than not they are put in a clever way. Most of my suggestions are stylistic, and because their stylistic suggestions you should take them with double caution - even as I tear into what I didn't like, don't feel obliged to change everything or even take my advice. However, I do think some of it is solid. At the least, take into consideration this one reviewer's perspective.
I love the title and the clever use of the word for.
The first stanza is brilliant. I don't have any nit-picks there, however let me suggest you start experimenting with poetic punctuation differently - commas and fullstops at the end aren't a must, but can be really powerful tools at the same time.
"I could never right my wrongs, unless I write them down for real,"
--- I think "I could never" sounds kind of awkward, especially with how the tense changes already in the second half of the sentence. This happens many times in your poem and I'm not sure if it was on purpose, be very careful about your use of tense because it affects perspective and pace too. I recommend changing the first half to present tense "I can never..." because your poem doesn't necessarily end with you winning, but rather fighting on. I recommend keeping the majority of the whole poem in present tense, it really works out like a monologue which combines storytelling with brilliant thoughts.
"As soon as I've problems, my peers shout CHURRRCCCCHH"
-- I like the use of "I've" but I wonder if your stretching out of church was necessary, it might be as powerful as a single syllable. If you insist though, not that you should only repeat letters that can actually be held. Chuuuurrrrrrch! makes more sense than Churrrcccccchh. See what I mean?
"You mean that place where you hide your smartphone with a bible?
Using Jesus as a facade to hide your true idol."
--- Brilliant.
"2 days in and my faith already feels weak"
--- There are much better ways to express that! my faith feels weak is a weak sentence. Why does it only feel weak? You'll hear on this site the expression 'Show, don't Tell'. There's a difference between 'Mhlomi was sad' and 'Mhlomi's brow wrinkled, and he slouched as if his thoughts weighed him down.' Poetry is often brief, but description is better done with simile, metaphor and other figures of speech.
I liked the contrast between Saturday and Sunday - most people are dead on Saturday, peaked on Sunday.
"I had to spend my Monday mourning, digging, so by Friday I could bury you,
Deep in the trenches of my heart and then after 3 days, resurrect you."
--- Clever word play is your friend, and most people enjoy reading it even more than rhyme. There were some awkward lines in the poem where you seemed to force rhyme. Look at these two brilliant lines where you repeat a word (usually bad practise) but you use other devices that make us forget about rhyme.
"Due to my hearts desires being divided into many fractions,"
--- Badly phrased sentence, try reading it allowed. 'Because' and 'due to' can help your rhythm or mess it up. Sometimes it's more immediate to just go. I don't like the pun, it feels a bit forced.
"But now I know I need you to be my whole-y father, brother, friend and doctor.
To heal me when I'm sick and fix me when I'm broken,
Pick me up when I've fallen, like an angel that descended from heaven in pieces,
I asked what the answer to all of it was and He replied "peace is""
--- This was good. I may seem like an enemy of rhyme, but that's only because it should only be brought in after you've properly flexed other devices because it's very often more restrictive than helpful.
The next stanza was really good and it flowed really well, but where you begin the word play on cars and transmission, I would keep that as one stanza otherwise the German car ending seems kind of like you're forcing a rhyme or punchline, plus they just work better together.
The rest of the problem shows the same brilliance and same problems. You're ending is powerful and your imagery is great, but your style (which, again, is yours and is subjective) might need some work especially with keeping within on tense. There was a sentence which was just too long - break it into two (the one about 'Hollow Men which runs two lines but is actually one line').
I could keep on praising and nit-picking, but I think I've given my two cents. I hope you keep writing and I look forward to reading more of this.
LookUpThere (that's a signature not an instruction)
I am trying not to cry. How dare you write such a splendid poem! :3 Well I am here to review, after I go dry my tears.
Back! I'm better now. Ok I saw only one nitpick and it's not that bad! In the lines-
~When you point a finger, 3 point back at you,~ and
~2 days in and my faith already feels weak~
The nitpick is the numbers 3 and 2. In a poem, story, novel, chapter, whatever you are doing, you can't write down the actual number. Weird rule if you ask me but it's a rule after all. Other than that I didn't see anything wrong.
Good job and keep writing!
~lost
I am blown away. Heart break, loneliness, tears, all of it is here. This is absolutely stupendous. It shows so much feeling and emotion. I do love the title. It is what immediately caught my attention. It said sad and fighting. It said anger and it screamed help. Outstanding, especially for a first try. I hope to see more.
Thank you. I tried very hard to express all of my options and I wasn't sure whether or not the reader would pick up on them. Title was actually inspired by a comic I had read. It just tied everything up for me.