z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter Two - Together We Make the Elements.

by EscapeToNeverland


Okay now like the last chapter needs work. Not as much. But while I work on the last chapter I shall post this so that way I finish fixing that one and then I can finish this one!!

I walked over to the wardrobe and opened the large old doors to find my dresses (rare that I actually wear them), training clothes and ordinary clothes. I picked out some training clothes and closed the big doors.

I felt a big hand fly over my mouth, and someone spun me around. They had beautiful, light, crystal blue eyes, chocolate brown hair to one side; they were taller than me and had a largish build, and in my opinion they were cute.

“Don’t freak out, my name is Echo, I possess the power of light. My twin, Jet, and my friend, Persephone is in the house also. They will be explaining the same thing to your sisters. I’m going to let go of your mouth now, okay? What’s your name?” Echo asked gently, I nodded, as he let his hand drop. So it was these people that that I saw earlier, I thought to myself as it finally made sense.

“My name is Hunter and I possess the heal skill, my older sister name is Acythia and my younger sister name is Lydia. Why are you and your friends here?” I asked the question quietly, I was really nervous.

“It’s the war that’s going on at the moment, against Lethia. We’re making a team of users; because they won’t let us fight in the war. We’re losing we need more people; we need more users in the war. The other side have many soldiers; they’ve got mage’s, users and normals. We’ve only got mages and normals,” he gave his explanation but that just made me think of even more questions.

Like why would Mages, people who use spells rare that they have a skill as well, work with Normals in a war even if it is to help their countries? I mean Mages hate Normals; they don’t like how they don’t have any special ability like we do. We users aren’t that picky, we decide whether to like or hate a person according to their personality, not their abilities.

“Why did you come to us? What do we have to do with anything?” I asked quickly not wanting to talk much.

“We need you and your sisters to join our group. I’ll tell you now if you do come you’ll need training – by me. And it won’t be easy; we’ll be walking most of the way to our missions. They will mainly be hard missions, missions that our side wouldn’t think of. The kind of missions only we – kids and teenagers – could think of,” he answered all my questions, and I was starting to like the sound of it.

“It sounds good, but my sisters and I will not need any special training. I have a reason for being named Hunter and it’s not because it sounds epic. Who do you already have and what skills do they have?” Echo laughed as I said the part about my name.

“We have me and I have light, Jet who has dark, Nate who has fire, Persephone who has water, Cassandra who has earth and Tye who has air. And hopefully you and your sisters?” he asked the question in the form of a statement but I knew what he was trying to say.

“Okay let me get changed and I’ll talk to my sisters,” and he left the room, I walked back over to my wardrobe and picked out some casual clothes to put on, I picked out some normal bootleg jeans and a simple black shirt.

I went over to my dresser and pulled my brush through my long, straight, black hair, getting out all the knots that still remained from my restless sleep. My bright green eyes were flickered with a golden brown; I took after my father in every way, except the heart shaped face, which we all got from mum. As for my sister that took after our mum in every way.

I opened the door and walked into the hallway, and bumped into Acythia. Getting knocked to the floor on account of her being bigger than me.

“Hey watch it!” she exclaimed as I ran into her, her face turning into a scowl, though I don’t know why she was complaining, I was the one that fell over.

“Hey I’m the one that fell over! You’ve got nothing to complain about,” I said my temper slightly rising in my voice. I looked at her with an intense stare, soon her face wasn’t angry but it softened as she realised it wasn’t my fault.

“Sorry,” she simply apologised before helping me up, I didn’t speak I just nodded before walking down the stairs. We walked down the stairs together to find, Lydia getting a piggyback ride from Echo and she was still in her p.j’s.

“Lydia are you controlling Echo by any chance?” I asked her cautiously, readying my mind for her attack on my mind, but it never came.

“No, why do you want me to?” she asked confused.

“No, don’t do that,” I answered calmly as Lydia jumped off Echo’s back.

“Mind Link,” Acythia gave the order and we obeyed, if your close family, have the same skill or you’re really close (both ways), you can create a link with others minds. We did it a lot to make decisions.

“We’re not going, it’s too dangerous,” Acythia ordered, making me angry.

“It’s not just your decision, we all have an opinion. It’s not all down to you,” I yelled at her in my head. I stormed out of the room and ran up the stairs, ignoring everyone’s –mixed- reactions.

I heard a knock at my door but didn’t answer. “Hunter, it’s me, Echo,” he yelled so I could hear him on the other side of the door.

“Yeah come in,” I sobbed, and was surprised he could hear my mumbling. He walked in my room and sat down at the dresser, whilst I sat on my bed.

“What’s up? You didn’t look real happy when you ran off, and your sisters wouldn’t tell me,” he asked, sounding sincerely concerned.

“Oh, it’s just Acythia said we can’t come, but I will. I can’t just sit here when I know that people are fighting back, I want to fight alongside my country, even if it goes unnoticed,” my voice trailed off slowly as I answered the question and Echo nodded in agreement. “So how did you and Jet join this little party?” I asked wanting to know his story, even if it was a bit, I had a feeling that Echo and I could be good friends.

“Um well Nate, Tye, Cassandra and Persephone found Jet and I when we were training one day. They all come from the same village, Tye lived in the orphanage, Nate and Cassandra didn’t really have a good relationship with their parents and Persephone’s Dad died in the war, he was a solider. As for Jet and I our parents left when we were 5, we lived with our Uncle and Aunt, but we didn’t really like them, so we went with the others. We’ve tried to get other people, but they couldn’t leave their home, it was too much for them. Most of the people who didn’t want to come were people with parents, people with a nice family that they love. So that’s my story of being here,” he finished and I felt as if I knew him so much more then I had ten minutes ago.

“Can I meet everyone else?” I asked in a small voice after a few seconds of silence

“Sure, let’s go now,” Echo answered standing up and headed for the door.

“Umm this way,” I said a small smile creep onto my face when he realised I was talking about the window.

“It’s two storeys high,” he exclaimed in disbelief as I opened the window.

“So, I do it all the time, there’s nothing to it. Just watch me,” I sat on the window sill, “Oh and don’t do it fancy like me,” I laughed before I jumped; I flipped in mid-air and landed silently on the ground.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
66 Reviews


Points: 94
Reviews: 66

Donate
Thu Dec 19, 2013 1:05 pm
Storybraniac wrote a review...



Hi, Storybraniac here To review. I am hunting for points so I am writing a review for all the chapters in one, as this was the only chapter in green room. Hmm. I can't seem to understand if they are gods or ghosts. And does his brother even have a name or is it "Soulless". Hmm. And what war are they talking about? I can't really understand the concept. And they look so happy even though their parents are dead and how do they even manage to control the house? Does Lydia control it's mind? What about money?but overall tis is a very good story. Can't wait to see the next chapter. Keep writing.

"Sibuna"




User avatar
301 Reviews


Points: 20262
Reviews: 301

Donate
Tue Dec 03, 2013 2:04 am
View Likes
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Neverland!! Your buddy Silver here to review. :) :)
This is better than the last one even though it does still need a lot of work. I'm glad that you seem to have taken my advice on the title because this time I could recognise which story it belonged to immediately.

"I walked over to the wardrobe and opened the large old doors to find my dresses (rare that I actually wear them), training clothes and ordinary clothes."
This sentence sounds a little clunky, try:
"I walked over to the wardrobe and opened the large old doors to find my training clothes, casual clothes and dresses that I rarely wear."

"“My name is Hunter and I possess the heal skill, my older sister name is Acythia and my younger sister name is Lydia. Why are you and your friends here?” I asked the question quietly, I was really nervous."
Here what puzzles me is that Hunter has just met this Echo guy but she immediately tells him what skill she has. He only asked for her name so I don't know why she said that. He hadn't explained anything to her yet so it feels weird that she trusts him already. If I were her in that situation I would keep my skill a secret in case he turns out to be a serial killer.

" people who use spells rare that they have a skill as well,"
This sentence didn't make much sense. They can use rare skills? They have a skill? Both? Confused.

"he answered all my questions,"
You can just say: "he answered". The reader can see that all the questions are being answered.

"“It sounds good, but my sisters and I will not need any special training. I have a reason for being named Hunter and it’s not because it sounds epic. Who do you already have and what skills do they have?” Echo laughed as I said the part about my name."
Again this one was a bit clunky. Try:
“It sounds good, but my sisters and I will not need any special training. There's a reason I'm named Hunter and it’s not because it sounds epic," Hunter chuckled. "Who do you already have and what skills do they have?”

“Hey watch it!” she exclaimed as I ran into her, her face turning into a scowl, though I don’t know why she was complaining, I was the one that fell over.

“Hey I’m the one that fell over! You’ve got nothing to complain about,” I said my temper slightly rising in my voice. I looked at her with an intense stare, soon her face wasn’t angry but it softened as she realised it wasn’t my fault."
Okay so I thought that: ", though I don’t know why she was complaining, I was the one that fell over." was irrelevant because straight after Hunter says: “Hey I’m the one that fell over! You’ve got nothing to complain about,” which kind of becomes repetition, which is never good.

"Acythia gave the order and we obeyed, if your close family, have the same skill or you’re really close (both ways), you can create a link with others minds."
Very clunky. You've just said: "if your close family" and then a couple of words later you say: " you’re really close (both ways)," which again is repetition. Just cut one of them out.



“We’re not going, it’s too dangerous,” Acythia ordered, making me angry.

“It’s not just your decision, we all have an opinion. It’s not all down to you,” I yelled at her in my head. I stormed out of the room and ran up the stairs, ignoring everyone’s –mixed- reactions."
This was really weird. Why? Because your family discussion lasted about two sentences before Hunter storms out. There was no debate on the pros and cons ( a short one at least).
Acythia says that their not going and Hunter starts yelling straight away, she doesn't try to reason with her sister first and immediately runs off. Then suddenly she's in her room sobbing. Why? There was no big fight. Just two lines of shouting. I hope that you can sort of see where I'm coming from.

Now too what I liked:

The ending. Very nicely done. A real attention grabber. Well done :)

I like the fact that you've taken the time to describe your main character. I'd like to know what Lydia looks like too now. :)

I like how you've tried to incorporate a description of the different classes of magic or people in your world.

Your story flows well and I get a good sense of who Hunter is. Well done on this chapter, it's much better than the other one. I hope that you keep taking encouragement from all of this and keep the good work up!!

Some thoughts to leave you with. What country are they in? Is this our world or another world? How do the girls look after themselves? What is their source of income? Do they have any other family? I hope that this helps. Happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




Carmella says...


i like it




Lily you are my fig father
— Elliebanana