Chapter 1 - The Encounter
It was extremely cold that night. The wind blew strongly, and the snow seemed to fall endlessly. Her fingers were numb, her nose was runny, and her beanie had been whipped off her head a little more than three times, leaving her easily tangled brown hair a mess. Her grey ugg boots pushed deep in the snow as she dragged herself through the grass of the clearing - A shortcut she took home back from school.
She had been out late that day with a few friends, staying in for a study session. She had agreed to tutor a young male student in an academic he had been failing in. She knew why he had been failing the class.
When they reached for a pencil at the same time, their skin touched, causing a whole river of memories to come washing over her. She saw that the boy had lost his mother in a fire when he was younger, and that his dad, now an alcoholic, was abusive. This being the cause of the scar just above his right eyebrow, when he was hit with a beer bottle.
She also knew that he had dyslexia, and that he didn't like to tell many people about it. She knew that he was picked on in middle school, and that, for a period of time, became a bully. She knew about the secret tattoo of a hawk on his hip that he got when he was fourteen. She knew that he was currently in therapy for troubled teens, but it didn't seem to be helping him much.
How did she know all this you ask? Well, that's because Mikayla Wright was born with a strange gift. The gift to see beyond what any normal human would be able to remember. Since she was little, Kayla could know one's entire past by simply touching them. She was, what you'd call, 'psychic'. She was also born with a special kind of blood. Blood her father called, 'amethyst' blood - A rare type of supernatural blood that could gift a human with all sorts of strange abilities. She manipulate the minds of just about anyone. When focusing hard enough, she could make a person do whatever she desired, no questions asked. Although, it was rare for her to use this, since the power of mind control was just too sinister for her to even attempt.
She didn't know why she was like this. Sometimes, she wished she wasn't. She didn't like the fact that when she touched someone, she instantly knew everything about them. It seemed like she was invading their privacy. It seemed... Wrong. Though, she couldn't help it. It's just how she was, and her parents forbid her to tell anyone about it. The reasons were obvious, People would think she was crazy, and she was fine with keeping it to herself. But just how long would she be able to put up with not being honest with people, mostly herself?
As she tried to see through the snow that seemed to fall faster and thicker, she thought she noticed something off in the distance.
It was ahead of her. Some sort of figure. She couldn't see much other than that it was small and standing upright. She wasn't quite sure why but she suddenly felt the need to avoid it. If anything she would just walk around it. Gosh, what was she saying? It was probably just a person waiting or something as simple as a small harmless animal. But instinct told her otherwise. She decided to play it safe, and change her direction to the left of whatever it was. She quickened her pace for two reasons.
One, because it was freezing, and she wanted to go home.
Two, because she wanted to get away from that thing as quickly as possible.
The snow got faster and started to hurt her. The cold was stinging and burning. She blew air as much as she could into her hands and coughed. For a while she focused on her feet and getting them through the snow. But it wasn't until she looked up that she noticed something strange.
The figure was gone.
She slowed her walk, looking around the clearing to see if it was walking away, but she didn't see anything. Not a sign that anything was ever even there to begin with. Feeling a wash of relief come over her, she continued walking. Thankfully, the snow had slowed falling more softly, and the wind had calmed down. She sighed letting her breath fall in front of her. One more gust of wind this time, was enough to blow her beanie off again.
"Shoot!" She muttered, as the grey and black striped hat flew farther away from her.
She ran after it, her arm outstretched. She had to jump a couple of times before finally getting a grip on it. She returned it to it's original spot on my head, making sure it covered her about-to-fall-off ears. Just as she regulated her walk and looked ahead to the pathway, she stopped dead in her tracks. Her breath got hitched in her throat, her eyes were wide, and her heart beat quickened at an unnatural speed.
There standing in front of her, stood the familiar figure she saw in the distance. It wasn't as small as she had thought.
There stood a big, white furred, bright blue eyed wolf, with a wicked glint in his eye.
Okay, everyone... Here it is... TADA! The new and (majorly) improved, 'Howl'! Now I know what you're thinking: 'Werewolves? Amethyst blood? Supernatural abilities? WHAT?!' And that's exactly what I want you to think. It's kinda better on me now that you're all clueless as to what's coming next. That just means BAM, IN YOUR FACE surprises! Now, as weird as this may seem, let me tell you that you have got a way more organized author here and she knows exactly where she's going with this. So, you all asked for it, and here it is! I really hope you like this new chapter and please, by all means, feels free to nitpick and give me all of the criticism you want. It helps a ton! 'Till the next shiny chapter... Auf Wiedersehen!
-SARAHJO
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review as requested! Thank you for using that thread of mine. A pleasure really, reviewing this fab work.
Was very well done I thought.
First off... COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To be honest, I've never actually read a book, or series, that has mind reading and what have you, so this is actually a first time experience for me.
For a first chapter, my expectations were met fairly well, when it comes to plot wise and knowing the character. My only complain would really some incorrect wording and a couple of grammar issues, but I'll go into those later.
What I really liked was the imaginative descriptions. They seemed to flow in and out of the internal thought process, and fit smoothly into what was happening. One thing I really did notice that was nice about them, was the constant reminder of what everything looked like, and as someone who was reading this, trying to get a clear picture in my mind, that was severely cool.
When writing numbers, try to write it like this. (Instead of writing "3" just write "three". It's the proper way and it will flow much smoother.
'Trudged' is usually used to describe an action of a person, typically. Here, I felt it was misused and would suggest rewording it a bit, to get rid of that awkward phrasing. Maybe 'pushed' might make more sense? By all means, go for a more imaginative way of saying it, but always try and make sure your words go exactly into the context of the meaning.
Apologies for cutting so much out, but I have a rather large nitpick here. Where I put in bold is where for this paragraph, that I think you should split it.
Proper paragraphing is something that is very easy to accomplish, so don't think that you won't get it. It's totes easy to do, and you'll get it. Now, a single paragraph is one single idea. Not ten ideas, and not twenty, and not even five. For instance, if you're describing the lawn in front of somebodies house, and then move it over to some backstory of a character, then obviously you would start a new paragraph, as you're talking about something totally different than before! BUT, if you start on a description of a lawn, and then go into some description of the garden, then obviously it would be just one paragraph! See what I mean? If not, then send me a PM and I'll explain it more in-depth and give a few more better examples, if you wish.
Hmm, this really doesn't make much sense to me! For one: My impression of somebody who was picked on, is somebody off to the corner trying to avoid any possible way of gaining attention. Sure, they might feel a bit angry towards everyone inside, but I honestly don't think they would act like a bully. Only the people who feel that they have something to prove to their friends do that, really. That is at least my opinion on it, but this is of course your work, so please do whatever you want!
'Affecting' seems to be the wrong word. Maybe 'helping' would be better? I kept getting the impression that he was being given shots with the intent of hurting him!
Glad to see you're using the ellipsis properly! But since after ellipsis is being used, you need to uncaps "wrong" since it isn't a new sentence.
This almost seemed like the start of a new sentence, with something needed to be added on. I'd suggest adding "even" to it to make flow smoother.
'Feeling' "a" wash come over her sounds just a bit ODD, shall we say. How about saying something like this... Feeling relief wash over her, she continued walking. Relief can't typically wash you, but it can wash 'over' you. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Alright, I think I'm done with nitpicking. XD
Overall, I think this isn't exactly a very unique story idea, but like you said, you have it under control. I would just suggest to try and make sure that you don't copy from anywhere this idea, as there are several books and movies out there that contain these three main elements that you have. Just make sure.
I think you wrote it well and I can't really wait to get onto the next chapter! (I'll be reviewing that one too, cause I like it so much)
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Oh, thank you so much! My corrections will be taken with great appreciation and applied shortly. Glad you liked it! ^.^
Where's the old Howl?
*is confused*
Nitpicks
I suggest you to add 'hot' before air, to make the sentence a bit clearer.
You used wind twice here in 3 sentences, which is really easy to notice. I recommend you to replace one 'wind' with one of these.
Also, I see you used 'She' at the start of a sentence many times in a row (for example in the first paragraph), so a good thing to do is to read loudly through your chapter, and you'll notice easily which to keep and which to replace.
Content
So first of all, we find out that Kayla is born with amethyst blood. Thinking as this is a supernatural blood type and such, I'd guess that her parents or someone in her family must have had something like this, since she got it? I had to stop a little while when I read about it, thinking of all the possibilities of this happening.
Further on, we learn that she also has a gift, to see through other people's mind and even control them. This made me immidiately think of a Confessor from the Sword of Truth. I'm not saying it looks copied or anything, and that you should remove it, only so you won't lean towards the same thing. Confessors can't look into another's mind (I think) + there is a special blood, so it looks really good so far, and I'd like to see where this goes! ^^
I'm wondering how this story is going to turn out, and if you can keep up the same suspense in the next chapters as your previous ones!
Keep on writing!
- Zontafer
Oh, thank you so much for reviewing! And about why it's all changed, well, if you go to my wall and scroll down a few posts, you'll find my urgent notice all about why it's the way it is. But thanks again!
There is good description in the first chapter of this. I love how you describe the characters and the setting because that's exactly what the novel needs if you want to attract readers. I do have a few edits for you to consider.
Write out numbers except for the year. Ex. "3" should be three.
"Young, male student..."
"She was, what you'd call, 'psychic.'"
"Shoot!" she muttered as the grey and black striped hat flew farther away from her.
Can't wait to read more. --CCWritingRainbow
The first chapter was amazing. I felt like I was in the snow. I would like to see you kind of say something that mentions her full name but still something that a lot of people do. For example:
"Shoot! Come on, (insert name here)," I muttered, as the grey and black striped hat flew farther away from me.
The grammatical issues were the ones I had seen below with the comma and the 'its' deal. I loved the foreshadowing in the instinct to move away and I just loved it all!!!!! AMAZING WORK!
Thanks! Please read my other chapters. I need the advice!
Wow! A beautiful and exciting chapter!
You've done a great job with descriptions, it really feels like you are in the story.
One thing I'd agree with, is to give us more sentences about what she thinks, so the reader can get attached to the character.
You have built your sentences in an interesting way, making the reader feel interested in what's around the corner. As for what I see, there is not any grammar mistakes besides the ones already pointed out.
I saw your seventh chapter, and thought I'd read the first one first. I'll keep on reading your chapters!
-Zontafer
Thank you so much! Please read my other chapters! There are more coming soon.
Hello, my friend.
First, I noticed your other chapters in the Green Room and decided to read the whole thing so that I could review the one that was in the Green Room.
Second, I think that your first chapter is how first chapters should go. Either they need to grab the readers attention immediately, or lull the reader into a false sense of security and then BAM! The wolf is what makes me want to read more. Genius. Thank you for that.
Third, careful of short, choppy sentences that disrupt the flow of reading. I have a problem with this, as well. Let your writing flow, because it is beautiful and it needs to be read.
Fourth, perhaps spend a bit more time within your protagonist's mind. You seem to focus more on what is around her than what she thinks about it. I want to feel attached to this girl, and the first chapter is where you have to start making the reader care about your characters, but I feel as though I know too little about her. Even if this is the first chapter.
Overall, I can tell that I will enjoy this. Your writing style appeals to me and your plot has already thickened. I am excited to continue reading. Happy Writing!
Hi Sarah! So I saw later chapters of this in the Green Room so I thought I'd review the first ones before going onto the other ones.
I''ll start off with what I liked about this piece. One thing which I thought was a really big strong point of yours was the description of the setting, and the coldness, I swear I felt kind of chilly reading this because it was described so well. I think you did a good job at keeping the reader engaged with these descriptions which is a really hard thing to do because sometimes it can get boring, but you've done a great job here so well done! I also really like the cliffhanger, it definitely makes me want to read on.
As for improvements, I'm not really sure what I can say, I really enjoyed this. I guess maybe to make this a bit darker, and to make the reader feel more scared for the MC, and so empathise with them, maybe you could just make the descriptions even more eerie and mysterious. Like other than the figure, maybe you could talk about them hearing random noises and not knowing what it is, and not being able to make out anything because it's so dark. I think that might make it slightly more intriguing.
The other thing I thought was lacking from this slightly was perhaps more interior monologues about the MC's thoughts. For example, were they annoyed that they had to help out set up the dance thing? Or did they feel helpful? If they're not attending why did they help out, and why aren't they attending? Answering these questions through their thoughts will help us learn more about this character.
Lastly, a couple of grammar points!
Missed comma.
The it's should be 'its' as it's possessive.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this! I think you've got a great writing technique especially with your descriptions, which keeps the reader interested. Perhaps if you do make the descriptions more scary, it'll give the whole novel a slightly darker feel, so totally up to you! And try and include more of the MC's thoughts, because right now I don't really feel as if I know them that well. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
This is a very good chapter. I was drawn into the chapter from the very first line. This chapter has barely quenched my thirst that wants me to read more. I am fascinated with how you are going to continue with this.
Good job.
Chapter 2 will be uploaded soon but... please help! How do I get points to upload it? I tried reviewing other people's work, but it still wouldn't give me the points. =/
-SARAHJO
I love the amount of detail that you put in here. I really really really like it. I hope that there will be more of it soon in the future. I love lots and lots of details!
Okay now to get down and serious about the next steps that can be used to enhance your work.---- I don't really see a lot to change other than its really grabs the reader and pulls them into it. It gives that little erie feeling that the person is being watched while she is walking home. The way you put it down is that of an experienced writer.... GOOD JOB!!!!
I hope that the next chapter is in the wolfs perspective I think that would be really cool. Because it would help you understand what is really going on in this situation. Like what is really happening behind those blue orbs and that wicked glint in its eyes.... So I wish you the best of luck
-Samara1carter
Hello, welcome to YWS!
First off, I like the premise you introduced in the blurb; It's super cool and unique!
And now for tear-apart:
I found only two grammatical/composition mistakes. First one is in paragraph 3, and should read "They were already numb as it was." Make sure to keep your verb tense consistent! The second is in your listing of reasons: As a general rule, we use the actual words when talking about numbers in writing. Unless it's science, then it's fine. So I would format it as such: "I quickened my pace for two reasons: one, because it was freezing, and I wanted to go home. And two, because I wanted to get away from that thing as soon as possible."
And my only other comment is that you should try to diversify your sentence structures. Almost all of them start with the subject. Try starting with a clause, or with an adverb.
Other than that, I'd say it's all good. I haven't gotten a good reading on your main character's personality, but we haven't seen much of her yet, so it's fine. You have great detail, and it's not so over-done that you sound immature. Great job, and I'll be back!
Hi, Sarahjo!
I like where the story is headed so far. I'm a sucker for a supernatural romance which is what I'm guessing this will shape up to be. The only thing I have to say is that your sentences were all kind of short and choppy and maybe if you combined two sentences that are along the same train of thought, it would lend some more variety to your style. Other than that it's really interesting and I like the scene-setting; gives it a spooky vibe.
Keep Writing!
Chantatertot