The Official Pact Episode 3- The Official First Day

The Official First Day (Episode Three)

icannothearthings

FADE IN-

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOMS. MORNING.

MONTAGE: THE GIRLS snooze their alarm clock. JILLIAN sirs up, pulls down the covers, and walks out of bed. ISABETH walks to her closet and picks out a dress t wear. HUNTER walks through the hall, eating an old bagel. FLORA walks out her front door, texting.

CUT TO-

EXT. STREET. MORNING.

FLIRA walks out of her door and onto the street, still texting. JILLIAN and HUNTER come up next to her.

FLORA:

And Isabeth is?

JILLIAN and HUNTER (in unison):

Bike.

FLORA, JILLIAN, and HUNTER walk down the street and into the school bus.

CUT TO-

INT. SCHOOL BUS. MORNING.

JILLIAN and HUNTER find seats next to each other. FLORA sits behind them and leans over the seat.

JILLIAN:

Wow! This will be a whole new learning experience for us this year, being in JMS!

Wow! I can’t believe I’m sitting next to you!

JILLIAN:

Oh . . . but this’ll be fun! Right Flora?

FLORA:

Sorry. no Jill. Don’t count on me for back-up, but I (sing-song) lo-ove that shirt on you!

JILLIAN:

Well thanks! But that’s not the point. Aren’t you glad we’re in a new school, with new stuff?

JILLIAN squeals with excitement. FLORA and HUNTER groan.

CUT TO-

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY. MORNING.

JILLIAN, HUNTER, FLORA, and ISABETH are standing in the back of the hallway. FLORA gulps.

ISABETH (Afraid):

Are you ready for another year?

HUNTER and FLORA (In unison):

No!

JILLIAN:

Yes!

ISABETH:

Oh my God.

BLACK CREEN. A school bell rings.

CUT TO-

Credit Sequence.

FADE IN-

INT. CLASSROOM. DAY.

FLORA, ISABETH, HUNTER, AND JILLIAN are talking and laughing while doing work. THeir desks are pressed together.

JILLIAN:

I’ll be right back, okay?

JILLIAN gets up and goes to sharpen her pencil. TWO GIRLS next to her start whispering and giggling. JILLIAN drops her head.

CUT TO-

INT. DANCE STUDIO. DAY.

FLORA performs an amazing dance solo. STUDENTS clap.

CUT TO-

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD. DAY.

HUNTER grabs a football out of a BOY’S hand. She runs past the end zone and runs around, screaming with joy.

CUT TO-

INT. MUSIC ROOM. DAY.

ISABETH plays a piano solo. OTHER STUDENTS clap.

CUT TO-

INT. CLASSROOM. DAY.

HUNTER shows the GIRLS a piece of paper with a B+ written on it.

FLORA:

Nice job!

HUNTER:

I can’t believe it! I got a B+! Yes!

CUT TO-

INT. BAND ROOM. DAY.

FLORA, ISABETH, and JILLIAN are sitting together, tuning their instruments. FLORA and ISABETH play a perfect D major arpeggio, while JILLIAN cranks out a few bad notes on the flute. THREE GIRLS start laughing.

GIRL #1:

Oh my God you retard! You suck so bad, nerd!

The other girls laugh. JILLIAN turns away, a tear gently rolling down her face.

FADE IN-

INT. JILLIAN’S LIVING ROOM. DAY.

GIRLS are sitting around the computer, talking to SIENNA.

FLORA:

I really love all my teachers, and we have these things called cycle classes? We have a different class each semester. It’s so cool! I love middle school!

SIENNA:

That’s really great, Flora! What do you think, Hunter?

HUNTER:

Eh, it’s school. But, I guess in school standards, it’s okay.

ISABETH:

OKAY? ONLY OKAY? THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!

JILLIAN:

I’m really glad for you guys, I wish my experience was as fun as yours.

SIENNA:

What’s wrong?

JILLIAN:

Well, I’ve been snapped at by the mean girls, pushed into lockers by the older boys, and I’ve been teased by almost everyone in the school!

Tears squeeze out of JILLIAN’s eyes.

ISABETH:

Oh, Jillian, it’s okay!

HUNTER:

Yeah, who are these kids? I’ll give them a piece of my mind!

JILLIAN stops crying.

JILLIAN (Annoyed):

No one needs pieces of your mind, Hunter! And I don’t need to be comforted! JUST LET ME DEAL WITH THE CRAP MYSELF!

FLORA runs out of the room.

SIENNA:

Flora! Flora come back!

CUT TO-

INT. SCHOOL LOCKERS. DAY.

A school bell rings. ISABETH and FLORA close their lockers.

ISABETH:

Are you free right now?

FLORA:

I have ballet class, why?

ISABETH:

Well, I wanted to talk to you about Jillian. She ended he chat and told everyone to go home minutes after you left. Does it have to do with anything.

FLORA:

As a matter of fact, yes. I kind of, maybe . . . Well, I’m really good friends, with the girls that bully her. I felt ashamed, and I couldn’t take it anymore! I was trying to tay out of everyone’s way, so I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

ISABETH:

Well, call me tonight, let’s talk about this.

CUT TO-

Credits.

Comments

Points: 1200
Reviews: 9

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Tue Jan 07, 2014 4:21 am

ninjafangirl wrote a review...

Two more reviews to go! Honestly, I'm considering giving up. You were going to post the rest anyway. Oh well.

So, Jillian just kind of gets really upset out of the middle of nowhere. One second, she's just sitting, and listening. Five seconds later, she's screaming at her best friends. Maybe take it a little slower.

The thing with Flora's friends being the girls who bully Jillian was never previously established. Yeah, you can do that. But it might be better if we see her talking with them, before she says it at the end of the episode.

One more review!

icannothearthings says...

Kay, I need to rewrite these.

Points: 30438
Reviews: 560

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Thu Dec 19, 2013 3:18 am

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Tenyo wrote a review...

Ooh, script!

First note
You don't need to put 'copyright' on your work when you put it on yws. It seems... pretentious? And I wouldn't at all assume you're that kind of person. When I see someone mark their yws work as copyrighted I assume that they think their work is above all the other works and needs to remind everyone that it is especially protected.

If your work is on yws, it's subject to intellectual copyright laws which, in most countries, means it's already legally yours.

Scene length
On average a page is worth three minutes of screen/stage time. Action movies have scenes of a minute or less, dramas have scenes of 4-5 minutes each, stage plays have longer scenes.
Your first scene after the montage is... ten seconds? If you drag it out. If you can fit everything worth saying into a scene that short then it's probably not worth saying at all.

Characters
My first impression of them isn't great. Jillian opens with a really obnoxious way of talking and Flora is an awful friend. They're alright in the previous chapters but in this one I just couldn't get into it.

Overall
I kind of like where the story is going and the way you're doing the time skips. It's an interesting subject and there is potential in there. Just take it a bit slower and think carefully about what you want each scene to be before you put pen to paper. Check out some other scripts and explore dialogue techniques more.

Or maybe prose! Based on the stuff going on here and the reactions of the characters I think you'd be really good with introspection. Give it a try.

Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

icannothearthings says...

About copyright, I'm sending it out to other places, so the copyright is just on there. Thanks!

Points: 467
Reviews: 46

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Wed Dec 11, 2013 5:14 am

Astronaut wrote a review...

Yes. Me. Again.

Hello.

The first thing I noticed is that Jillian is immediately targeted for no reason. Yes, that can happen, but in movies and shows, it usually doesn't. She was just laughing with her friends, why wasn't Isabeth targeted instead of her? Give the mean girls a reason to pick on her.

Second, when Jillian tells her friends what's going on, it all happens a bit too quickly. That scene should take at least two minutes, maybe more, but the way you wrote it, it would take about thirty seconds. It feels very rushed.

"Oh my God you retard! You suck so bad, nerd!"

This line is just a little boring. It's the kind of thing that a cookie-cutter bully would say. You don't want cookie-cutter bullies if you want viewers to be interested.

This is very small, but I don't think Hunter would really give someone a piece of her mind. A piece of her fist, maybe…

Hope this helped!

icannothearthings says...

Someone actually said that to me, so that's why I put that line in.

And Jillian is targeted because the girls are always targeting her. They see she's nerdier than Flora and Isabeth (Girly girls, average smartness, funny, lots of other "friends") or Hunter (who could actually kill them). She's an easy target, and believe me, if people have bulled you in the past, they'll find anything to hurt you with.

Lastly, I should make that a bit longer, but do you have any advice how I could?

dominusatramentum says...

Really? Someone said that to you? I thought it was impossible to lose any more faith in humanity. Ugh.

Ah, now I see why she was targeted. That just wasn't very clear to me when I was reading the script.

Sorry, I don't have much advice. I'm kind of a hypocrite, because I have the problem of making things longer myself. I guess you could try adding in shots of her becoming upset while the girls are talking in the background. It adds a cinematic effect, and could help viewers understand the plot more, as we would be able to see how she's keeping her emotions bottled up.

icannothearthings says...

That's a great idea! I'll also try to make her targeting clearer, too.

Points: 184
Reviews: 93

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Sun Dec 01, 2013 5:47 pm

Sylar says...

Something weird happened to the formatting, sorry!

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The Official Pact Episode 3- The Official First Day

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