Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Their hands, thousands of dirty, blood-crusted hands, slammed against the door, the walls, the glass, cracking and chipping and screaming for my blood, my flesh, my life. I tremble, backing up as far as I can before hitting the wall. The room was too small, too cramped. No windows, no other doors, no stupid escape plan at my disposal. I will die here. I can see it all clearly: they will rush at me, throw me to the ground. My neck will break at the impact, and then they will rip into me. My lifeblood spilling onto the floor and staining the antique rug. And there my bones will lie for the rest of eternity, picked clean and cracked open where the truly starving ones tried to sip at my marrow.
The mirror on the wall across from me falls to the floor with the force of the next hit. It shatters, spraying crystal droplets across the ground, but a few shards still cling to the frame, enough for me to see the fragments of my white face, framed with the blood dripping from my hairline.
As I watch, my reflection moves, a tiny smile appearing on his face. He raises a hand to me in a wave, a farewell. I stay still, palms pressed to the wall behind me, jaw clenched tight in fear. Then my reflection disappears, never to be needed again, just as the wall splits. The dead pour through, and I close my eyes.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Excellent work, very evocative and nice imagery. I don't agree with others in that it all needs to break up - but then I like run on sentences and think they add to the fear, hysteria, sense of pace and poeticism.
You may want to keep sure you're sticking to the same tense, such as 'tried to sip at my marrow' perhaps changed to 'try to sip at my marrow'.
I think it could be longer - not a novel but a short story, ending at this point. Keep writing, you have a good, dark voice to you and a great sense of words to use to create a lyrical, horrorful feeling to your writing, such as in 'picked clean and cracked open'.
I do like this; I don't normally like stuff like this, but I like this. However, I don't feel it's completely 'stand alone' material; I feel like it's just part of a larger story. You don't have to, you could leave it like this, but I do encourage you to add on to it and make it longer, using what you have already as the climax.
Besides that, I love how even though it's such a brief piece filled with a lot of action and drama, we still get to sense a bit the character's personality: "no stupid escape plan at my disposal". He's witty, even during such a crazy time. I might try to show off his personality even more, because you do a really good job of that without detracting from the magnitude and mood of the situation.
"spraying crystal droplets across the floor". This is the most beautiful line in the entire thing; I love that so much, really, really beautiful imagery right there. I want more of that too, because while the rest of your details and imagery are great, that right there is awesomely amazing.
Hope this review helped and a Happy Review Day!
-tgirly
I was very mystified and very haunted by this short story. I can't express to you how much I love this.
However, I have a few nitpicks.
In the first paragraph, you continuously expressed unneeded information. Well, not unneeded per se, but it didn't flow properly. "... slammed against the door, the walls, the glass, cracking and chipping and screaming for my blood, my flesh, my life." You could easily break that up into a few more suspenseful sentences.
I can also see a more suspenseful paragraph break at "I will die here."
Thank you for the haunting, mystifying short story! Keep it up~
I was immediately drawn to this as soon as I read the first sentence. This was short, but incredibly descriptive. The picture you've created here in this story is magnificent. Beautiful scenery created with the words you've used. I had a clear image of what was happening. I really wish this would've been longer though. I think this would've made a great longer story. Like how did he get to the house? What started this? Are they Zombies? Anyways, I hope you write more of this. Even if it's not with the same character.
Timmyjake here to give you a short review for a short story!
Ok, for this story I would like to see it a bit longer. Like why are the dead there? What do they want?
I see a few parts where punctuation could be improved. Mostly just run on sentences. I will point out a few for you
It shatters, spraying crystal droplets across the ground, but a few shards still cling to the frame, enough for me to see the fragments of my white face, framed with the blood dripping from my hairline.
There's one.
Their hands, thousands of dirty, blood-crusted hands, slammed against the door, the walls, the glass, cracking and chipping and screaming for my blood, my flesh, my life.
This one seems run-on, but I think half the reason is the number of commas.
You are very descript in your writing. Its very... realistic. One thing I would like to see of this is a lengthening of it. But just to explain a few things, mainly why the dead are there. Maybe to collect his soul?
Alright, that's all from me! Great horror story! Look forward to more writing from you, LJM368!