Young Writers Society

Hey, Neo! (I keep wanting to make a Matrix reference. Haha) Anyways, it's Stormsie here, per your request! Shall we get right to it?

First of all, I'm not a fan of the beginning author's note. :/ It just doesn't seem professional, and is the easy way out for an explanation.

Secondly, the reader encounters a spelling issue immediately. Yikes. I'm sure you just accidentally skipped over it, but I'll fix it nonetheless. You wrote, "Exert form The Legion of Light: A Noble History" This needs to be "excerpt from". To exert means to put forth- as in energy. Oh, and here's another tiny misspell located later on. "... shinning paradises ..." I'm certain you mean "shining"?

Next, the semicolon use was a bit incorrect: "They began their work, building a utopia called The Legion of Light; named for the light that they brought to the world. It is said their magical prowess was unmatched by none; their eyes bluer than the night sky." If you're having trouble understand that frustrating little ";" check this out.

"... (they were unmarried that alone would justify imprisonment it they were at all civilized)" This appears to be a run-on sentence, so it's a tad confusing...

Overall, I like this prologue! It's actually interesting, in my taste, and it seems realistic in the way that the view seems biased towards the Legion. For such a short introduction, the reader receives a deep insight on this world, and it causes me to want to continue reading. Despite the mentioned minor errors, you seem all set, Neo! So as always: Write on!
---Stormsie

First of all, I find books which begin with so much history and backstory very off-putting. The prologue, I think should be action-filled, and should draw the reader in, give them a feel of what they are about to face. Reading this amount of backstory is both unecessary to begin with and is tiresome. The reader will probably not dwell on it and won't remember much of it anyway, as he or she reads on.

With that said, your narritive voice - you say it's from a textbook, but unless this is a textbook for very young students, it does not sound formal enough to be considered "textbook speak". It is not advisible to use phrases like "our land", "our people" and the like. A textbook would do better to take a neutral stance on things. (Unless you've chosen to do this to portray the mentality of the authors as ones who push their agendas)

With this said, I found some particular sentences to be rather off. I'll list them out here:

1. It is said their magical prowess was unmatched by none; their eyes bluer than the night sky. - magical prowess was "matched" by none. Also, I don't think the night sky is very blue at all.

2. Continue on Page 35 - What is the purpose of this at all? I have never come across a textbook with such a reference on it.

3. They, The Archfiend People, left our shinning paradises and created their own kingdom, built on lies and treachery.
The capitalization must be changed, along with the phrasing.

4. Sadly, soon after, our prophet gave forth a set of prophesies that would change us all:
When writing a textbook, refrain from using words like "sadly", also, that sentence rings false to me.


I really think your writing has promise, but there certainly is room for improvement. I wish you luck! <3

Hi there! I am here to review as requested.

I was a bit confused on why it was called The Necromancer until you lightened things up. I am interested on this because I have a feeling that the Prince will escape or another war will start. Something along those lines at least. That brings me in, even if textbooks bore me a bit.

Well I have some nitpicks. You had a spelling mistake that was not addressed by the reviewers below. That or you chose to ignore them.

~Exert form The Legion of Light: A Noble History~
-The word form should be *from*

I think this would be a good book for those fans of science fiction. (Science fiction because of them not being actual humans of Earth and this being a different planet and whatnot). I would read it too, but my feelings on it would have to be justified.

~lost

Hello NeoAceofAll,

This is a very interesting premise. In particular, I like your description of the Legion of Light.

However, I have to say that even as a prologue this is an extremely bare and limited description of the history, and like Baal says, a textbook reading is very dry and certainly doesn't grab my attention in this prologue.

All I can say is I wish there was more depth and richness to this, something to make me want to keep reading.

- Dreamworx.

Hi there Neo,

you shouldn't be throwing this at us. A history textbook will not make me interested in the next book. Why should I care? Give me one good answer and perhaps I will not skim this next time.

A note from the author- This is intended to be a piece from a text book in the Legion of Light. However, never believe everything you hear

Hey TheNeoAceofAll! Silver here to review your piece.

I like how you've started with pages from a textbook, quite a few fantasy stories start like that. I like you general idea and story line even if it s a bit too "good vs. evil" for me. I'm not a prologue connoisseur so I'll mainly just be reviewing content.
Your grammar and spelling is great. Your structure is good too and the whole thing flows smoothly.
This is where I have some problems:

"It is said their magical prowess was unmatched by none"
Are you saying that their magical prowess was able to be matched by everybody? I think that what you meant to say was "It is said their magical prowess was matched by none" or "It is said that none matched their magical prowess".

"their eyes bluer than the night sky"
As far a I know "night skies" are generally blackish, unless it's blue in their world?

" They appeared after the Legion of Light had been established with audacity to approach us, requesting salvation."
I think that a comma is needed after "established" instead of "us" for this to make sense.

"They appeared after the Legion of Light had been established with audacity to approach us, requesting salvation. We, of course, denied them. Such demons have no place among gods. They, The Archfiend People, left our shinning paradises and created their own kingdom, built on lies and treachery. They constructed monuments dedicated to someone called Aknon and worship this satanic being wholeheartedly, never even attempting to considerer our way of thinking."
My thoughts when reading was: "well of course they didn't consider your way of thinking, because you refused them salvation!" Just a thought.

The rest I think is pretty good. You have an interesting concept and I'm intrigued as to what will follow. So keep writing!! Let those ideas flow!!

Silverlock

Timmyjake here to give you a review!

First, I just want to tell you that this is a great beginning to what will be a great book. That is evident by how you write it. It is going to be awesome.

Is this just a summary of your book or is it an actually prologue to it? It seems to be written more like an essay than a part of a book, but then again prologues are usually written like that.
Your story is going to have a deep plot, I can see that.
Looking carefully, I see little tiny things. Nothing of real consequence.
And one more thing, although this may seem like a chovinist remark. When I think of an evil necromancer, I think of a tall, spindly evil man. Not a woman.
I don't know what you are planning, but in most books their places are reversed. I am not criticizing it, but am merely pointing it out to you.
As you can see, this is hard. I am resorting to petty things to criticize.
What is the "Continue on page 45" thing?
It doesn't make much sense to me.
I think that it is all! Great beginning. I am looking forward to more from you!

Wait: I just saw something.

They, The Archfiend People, left our shinning paradises and created their own kingdom, built on lies and treachery.

That sentence could use a little touching up.

The Legion members tried to help them, save them from their savagery but they refused.

And that sentence.

Great job!