Ok, this is the first Chapter, there is a Prologue that gose with it and it SUPER important to read. Here is the link if you would like http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=106235
Chapter 1
I stepped off the train and felt to morning sun engulf me. I did it, I actually did it. I made it into Sturring Academy, the greatest school in the Legion. I held my head up high; I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself. The hardest school to get into and I made it, me, hardly any powers and I still was able to beat the rest.
“Charren, you'r day dreaming again,” I jumped when my friend Starry appeared next to me. “Girl, you really have got to pay more attention to your surroundings.”
“Give her a break, she is probably still in shock about even getting into this school.” I jumped again when my best friend Jaela materialized next to me. “Our buddy Charren here broke the school record; lowest power level of a person to be accepted.” Jaela patted me on the back. She may not ever sound like it, but she means well.
“Not surprised at all,” Starry responded, already annoyed with her cousin, “Charren is the biggest bookworm on the world.”
“Are you guys going to continue to insult me while I’m here, or should I leave?” I said as I moved away from the inevitable brawl. I watched as they began to fight not even noticing that I had left; they are my best friends, but sometimes I don’t think they even notice me. Then again, they aren’t the only ones. I have an uncanny ability to fade into the background.
“You alright Charren?” I jumped when I heard his voice. His sweet, sweet voice. I looked over to see Draknd Northstand standing next to me. My heart rate picked up. “Legion to Charren?” he joked, “you look seriously zoned out”.
I laughed nervously, he is so hot with big strong shoulders and an incredible body, “Yeah, just scared about going to the new school. I'm afraid I won’t be able to keep up.”
“Come on Charren, “ he flashed that million dollar smile, “ you got into one of the most exclusive school in the Legion. You are the smartest girl I know.” I really liked that line. “How could you be worried about keeping up?”
I sighed, “In case you haven't noticed, my eyes aren't exactly deep pools of blue.” The deeper the blue of your eyes, the more magic you contain. My eyes are so light and murky, I have actually had people think they were green (green eyes means absolutely no magic or Barren, the technical term).
“Seriously Charren, I have known you since second grade, you never let the low power stop you from being the best. Besides, you major in rituals right? Rituals require hardly any power and a lot of know how.” He was trying to make me feel better, he is amazing. “Plus, they wouldn’t let you into Sturring Academy if they didn't think you could handle it.
“I just figured my dad’s reputation got me in.”
“I doubt it, Gazer is a senate’s kid, and he got rejected.” Draknd said
“Gazer got rejected because he’s a moron with a big mouth.”
Draknd laughed, “You’re probably right.” I looked over to see Jaela lung at Starry’s throat and decided it may be time to intervene. After breaking the two up, we walked together inside. Happily, the terrible duo formally known as my friend waited for Draknd to be out of sight before ambushing me with a series of winks and light jabs.
We stepped inside the shinning new building. In the Legion, all construction is recreated every 10 years to ensure superiority. Despite the school being around for millennia, the school is only 2 years old. We followed the rest of the new students down the lush entry hall into the main corridor. The entire place was beautifully decorated with warm wood floors and royal blue walls. Pictures of famous Alumni limned the walls; each of them smiling down at us, as if to welcome the new potential.
I shuddered, I looked at the pictures; so many incredible people attended this institiution. I just don’t…
` “I can't believe you are that nervous” Jaela said.
“I’m not nervous,” I muttered
“Oh please, I have never seen you so freaked out. I mean, you’re always quite, but this is ridiculous.”
“Well…” I said, “It’s not just the school it’s also…”
“Draknd.” Starry said, completing my thought.
“You guys don’t understand, you're both so powerful, and pretty.” I stared at the mahogany floor.
“What are you talking about? You’re pretty.” Starry said.
“Yeah I guess,” I rubbed my arm, “but I’m not, ya know… blond.” My hair is jet black, the most undesirable color in the Legion.
“So? Jaela isn’t blond” Starry raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, but she dyed her hair, it was blond. By the way, why did you do that?”
Jaela shrugged, “My parent said I couldn’t...”
“So she did,” Starry finished, scowling at her cousin.
I laughed, no matter how bad I felt, the two of them could make me feel better.
We entered the main corridor and my breath was taken away.The roof sored up like a cathedral with amazing stain glass windows depicting great Legion moments. The walls were deep royal blue and covered in more pictures and murals, all still looking fresh from their creation. White marble floors echoed the sounds of our muffled steps as we tried to take in our surroundings. On eye level, ten big wooden doors lead to unknown locations and in the center of the room, a huge platform created a stage like appearance. In the center of that, a podium was placed that was occupied by a shoot, perky blond woman.
“Welcome students,” The Perky Blond Woman said, “I am the assistant principle here. I would like to congratulate all of you for making it into our prestigious academy. You are all truly the best of the best. However, I am not here to complement you, without further ado, here is principle Nothingdone.” We applauded as a tall man in a green long coat strolled out of the first door. A long coat is a jacket that covers a person’s entire body and commonly jets out somewhat like a cape. Wearing one is a universal sign of power depending on the color and design. It is an honor to have a principle who has earned the right to wear one.
“Hello Students!...” our principle started a long, rather boring, speech about our duties to ourselves and education. This speech was regulation; we had heard it all before at other schools. However before he could finish, the doors opened and a man with a long beard and a red long coat rushed to his side. The man whispered something and the principle excused himself.
The administrator instructed us to wait patiently as whatever problem was resolved and then left as well. Thanks to the muttering of some other students, I quickly realized who the man was. “That guy was Dustion Dormic, the leader of the Noble Magicians.” A magician is anyone who uses Legion magic; Noble Magicians are the high council set in to resolve problems in our society. “Wasn’t Dormic our Lead General during the Nightmare War?” Someone asked quietly, “Think so,” Someone responded.
Suddenly, Starry appeared next to me. ”Um… Charren? I kinda have to go to the bathroom, will you come with me?” I looked at her with annoyance. I hate how girls have this obsessive need to go to the bathroom in pairs. I was going to suggest Jaela attending in my place, until I saw her flirting with some tall, skinny guy. I sighed, I agreed to go.
Finding the bathroom was a real pain. We walked out the door the principle left (it was the only one unlocked) and wandered for at least 20 minutes in a long, narrow hallway consisting of about 100 different doorways. This place is like a maze. By that point, I had to go to the bathroom as well. We continued on our search until we came to a door slightly ajar. Inside I could hear the voice of Priciciple Nothingdone. Now, I am no ease dropper, but apparently Starry is. I tried to pull her away, however I was unsuccessful. “She is not here! I am telling you Dormic, the Necromancer isn’t at this school nor will she ever be.”
Starry and I looked at each other. The Necromancer… the most powerful, evil person to ever walk this earth is here? Dormic responded, “I don’t know if she is here or not, but my gut says so. After what we found in the Archfiend Kingdom last year… I really believe she infiltrated the Legion as a child.”
“Wait,” The Perky vice Principle chimed in, “How could she do that?”
Dormic sighed, “According to our analysis, the last spell cast by the king was not what put his people into suspended animation. It was first an age reduction spell, a big one, followed by a sealant spell, and then a teleportation ritual.”
Nothingdone snorted, “The method of CorpsalSpell [that’s when someone tried to determine the last spell used by someone who died] is not completely accurate. Besides, why would she come here? And what would a sealant spell do to her?”
“A sealant spell would trap her powers away in a barrier and potentially, lock away her personality and memories as well. The reason for this… we think she was sent here to help the Prince. We have discovered that his seal is weakening.”
Nothingdone gasped, the VP gasped, Starry and I gasped. Thankfully we were not heard but still at this point, we decided we would take our leave. On the way back, we finally found the bathroom. It was right next to the door that lead us down this cursed pathway. When we returned, I told Jaela (who had finally stopped hitting on guys) what happened. She was in shcok to say the least. We all looked at each other in silence. I realized quickly what we had agreed to; we know about the Necromancer and it is our job to do whatever we can to stop her. No matter what. Suddenly, the VP appeared at the podium and called us to attention, “Student,” she looked pale, “You will follow me in heading down into the Selection Room. There, your power level will be determined, all sealants on magic will be removed [sometimes children are so powerful, they get them placed to avoid causing harm], and you will be assigned your classes.”
Jaela, Starry, and I looked at each other. If the Necromancer is here, he will know soon. We followed the VP down another hallway. The other kids horsed around and joked, however we could not join in the fun. We have a duty to our country to protect agents all threats from the Archfiend and we will follow it no matter what. I considered telling Drakend, but in the end I decided agenst it. Hopefully, Nothingdone will be right and this will all be over before it starts.
The Selection Room was large, however not nearly as grand at the entry way. The walls were royal blue and the floor a calming wood color. In the center of the back wall a platform was placed along what looked like a mirror. “Here,” The VP pointed to the stage, “You will go through selection. You will be called up in alphabetical order by last names.” Her voice was so flat compared to earlier. I looked back and saw that Nothingdone, Dormic, and a few other Magicians had appeared behind us. I breathed a sigh of relief. With them here, they can protect us. Despite their presence, every time a girl went up I held my breath. Starry and Jaela’s last name is Baric, so they were called up before me. They passed without incident and in fact, both scored very high power levels. “Danes, Charren,” My voice was called next.
I stepped onto the platform and looked into the mirror. I waited for the energy to hit me. The energy is used to remove any sealants, if none are present then nothing will happen. Most people do ot know they had a seal placed on them, so doing this to everyone is necessary. “3…2…1…go,” The VP activated the energy.
The second the energy hit me, I felt a pain erupt inside. It grew and grew starting from my head until it covered every inch of my body. I screamed out in agony and fell to the ground. Suddenly, I felt myself be pulled away; not my body, but my mind. It was like an out of body experience, I looked below me and could see myself on the ground of the stage and everyone circled around my lifeless body. Once the energy had subsided, I began to rise. I watched my eyes open from a far and saw red. Blood red.
“Well, well, well,” A raspy voice echoed from my mouth, “It feels so good to be back.” The Necromancer said.
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
Hey there! I came to review as requested.
Dun Dun Dun. When the Necromancer was actually the main girl I wasn't very surprised. I had the sense of foreboding that the main girl was the Necromancer when the person that the Necromancer snuck in as a kid was very strong. Not very surprising. Still a good end though.
I had to point out that you had spelling mistakes all over. I don't mean to be cruel or anything it is just that it annoys me greatly. (Btw principle should be principal) You should look all over your work and revise your spelling errors.
Your prologue shouldn't be your most important thing in a novel. Prologues are just a way to provide some info before the book actually starts.
You need to add more information about the details. I might end up making pictures in my head to find out later that they are wrong. Detail is one of the most important things in writing a novel.
I like how you ended with a cliffhanger on this chapter. I makes people want to read the next chapter to see what would happen. Good job.
~lost
Now, for a proper review.
Why is the prologue super important? Prologues should never be super important, barring rare exceptions. Your novel is not a rare exception. Your prologue served only as a giant info dump, a boring info dump too, which of course I skimmed. If you need to convey information desperately, you don't do it in three hyper condensed paragraphs, you break things up gradually. For example, Legion. Your prologue said the land is called Legion, but I can guess, prologue or no. You use the expression legion to Charren, which is easy to understand. That's already one less reason for that useless prologue.
Now that I've picked that bone, moving on.
*you're
Now that I've picked that bone, we can move on.
Let's consider names. Names are important. They convey some sort of meaning. They suggest something to your readers, by the tone and cadence of what they sound in your mind, if not the meaning itself (if it has one). Naming a gorgeous dude Draknd is discouraged. Even in my head, it sounds fairly silly. Because you want to distance this society from ours does not necessarily mean everyone has to have different names from ours, this can lead to wildly unpleasant circumstances such as Draknd. There are other ways. How they act, what they say, things other than Draknd. Dear god.
You also take something for granted: power levels. I have no idea how those work. It's true, they do, so it wouldn't be particularly in-character for them to explain it, but the trick here is to find a natural way to tell us. Your prologue is forced exposition, that's fairly terrible. Natural exposition, on the other hand, is great. Just avoid the 'as you know Bob' trope and you're good. You do this again in describing the university. Why is your character telling us this? Is she marveling at the beauty of the buildings? You certainly don't mention. You also omit where they actually are up until the point you /tell/ us where they are. Always remember, show, don't tell, it's incredibly cliche advice, but apparently so hard to actually execute. Another good example of this is when you say black is the most undesirable color in the Legion. You don't tell us why, you just tell us.
Don't just sum it up roughly with that line, instead pay more attention to the situation as a whole. Have her friends ignore her and keep on arguing, and have her react to that. That way, we'll understand the above line is true, without you having to write it. Suddenly, better writing. Magic! As things are now, I don't really understand what she's saying. Not fully. I accept it because you told me, but it's rather flat, gray, I've been told similar things before. Show me instead.
What I think bogs this chapter down is that there's too much - often boring or bad - dialogue, not enough everything else. I don't know if I make myself clear. You deliver too much through dialogue: your character's fears, anxieties, everything. There are other ways of conveying this. Thoughts is the most obvious, but actions are also a good one. Little gestures make up who we are. Again, considering that example of the hair. Instead of telling us it's the most undesirable color in the Legion, have her tug at it, play with a strand, wave a hand in dismay, and have the others smile in sympathy, or even flick their blond heir, confident in its superiority.
where is the funny in the above dialogue? One friend admitted to caving into pressure from her parents, and the conversation as a whole serves just to remind Charren that her hair isn't pretty and blond, nor her eyes blue. You spent the entire chapter setting her up as shy and socially anxious, and then she laughs at the salt on the wound. Good job Charren. Good job. You're a believable person now. Yup.
The ending also seems terribly inconclusive. It leaves me with an unpleasant feeling in the back of my throat, which I can difficultly convey through my fingertips. I feel not enough has happened in this chapter, yet what has happened has put me off to the point that I'm glad it ended here (I'd have had to read more of this otherwise). This reaction is clearly not good. That's not good. We want to make this chapter better, yes? It's what were investing both of our time in. Therefore my tip to you is to firstly get rid of the telling completely. That will go a long way, both in terms of characterization and credibility, which improves chapter quality. Just with this simple gesture, you've already done a lot. This chapter, as I understand it, serves to capture the essence that is this character, which I understand -- already a plus -- but it could be done better.
Hope this helped
-Ita
Okay this is looking good so far... You have a lot to go though, I didn't see many grammar errors thankfully just a few like "Prolog" and "Gose". I just want to inform you that most people don't like reading lots and lots of dialogue, it turns peoples eyes away. Sorta as if they want to move on to the next thing. But your idea is a good one, I hope to see what the next looks like. Hopefully there will be more descriptions. like background information in the next chapter. Its always good to inform you reader whats going on just a little before they start reading.
What made me click to read this was the fact it was going to be a novel. So keep it up. Do not let people drag you down because they aren't interested into it, just because one person wasn't does not mean that there will be a lot more. Like describe what the characters are like what they look and act like. Another is where is the school in the city or out in the forrest? Is it like a college campus or a boarding school? What the weather is acting like in this present event. etc.
Over all I hope that you do an amazing job with this novel. It should turn out really good when there are people trying to help you along the way.
Hello TheNeoAceofAll, I'm Genesis and I'll be your Reviewer for this chapter and hopefully your entire novel.
First what caught me was the title, I'm sorry to say but I believe it wasn't all that interesting in my opinion. But I do enjoy novels oh so much. Next I spotted two misspellings in the very beginning. "Prolog" should be "Prologue" and "gose" should be "goes." Next up, I did enjoy this first chapter, however I feel you don't give enough details about the surroundings. Where was the academy built? what do the characters look like? you only give one description of the characters and that was there hair. Next I like how you give a small bit of lore to the magic and how it's connected to peoples eye color. I feel grammar checks out, this has been your review and I'm Genesis, have a great day!