Authors note: If you have read the prologue this won't make sense, this is an old version of the first chapter. I wouldn't review this. I will provide a link to the updated one when I'm ready.
I wake in my dinky looking but, gladly, warm room. My arms aching from all the work I have been doing, you would think you would get used to ice picking, but no. I am tempted to lie in but I can't, me, Ophelia and Mother need the ice to pay our tax to mayor Faraday. I force my arms to obey me and they grudgingly do. They complain and grown as they do, but even they know, they have to work. I love my room as I get a perfect view of the town in the morning with its ghostly fog blanket hanging over it and the desolate nothingness to either side of it. I can make out the grey uniformed men and women of the factory workers; the day starts earlier for them. The town needs supplies to breath and survive.
I shake myself out of my daydreams and quickly get dressed into a thick grey coat and trousers stuffed full of Faraday insulation; all the work clothes here were invented by Mayor Faraday himself. I also put on my lucky socks, given to me by Father on my 10th birthday; he said, with them, I would never fall through the ice. And I haven't, his socks have worked well. I tie back my black hair and plop a thick hat on top to protect my head, ears and neck. Finally, I put on my grey boots designed to spread our body weight when manoeuvring on the ice. That or the socks.
I pull open my old but sturdy wooden door to reveal a small landing with 2 rooms at either side of mine; one for my sister and one for my Mother. Neither are up yet as my Mother works in the shops and my Sister is learning to run the shop with Mother. I head down the stairs making the wood squeak on every impact; everything in this town has acquired a old, rustic feel with the exception of the new factories necessary for the survival of the town. The kitchen door is closed, as usual, to prevent Leo, my fish dog, from running amok in the house. I push it open and Leo is sitting in his bed wagging his tail. Unlike me, fish dogs are bred for these conditions and don't get that tired from their trade. Fish dogs are used by ice pickers to catch fish while I am mining and to also catch me if I fall in the water.
I find a synthetic packet of porridge oats and I prepare a pan for my family using some of the ice left over from yesterdays tax. All the food here, due to the cold conditions, is mostly synthetically created or grown underground using a mass of chemicals making it taste bland and fake. When I have finished the bowl my sister comes downstairs with a sleepy expression on her face.
"Morning Joanna" she says accompanied by a little yawn. She is only 10, and looks very vulnerable .
"Hello, nice sleep?"
She shakes her head "Nightmares" in a quieter voice than normal as if remembering them right now.
"Well I'm leaving now for my ice picking; porridge is on the hob for you and Mother; be back later!" I reply.
"Bye Joanna." she calls sleepily.
I grab a bit of bread and march out of the room into the hallway. I call Leo to my side and he eagerly follows. A big metal door sticks out like a sore thumb in this house but it is necessary in keeping the house warm and the outside world cold. I pull the cold metal bar on the door and turn it around; the door gives a click and a rush of cold air rushes in, hitting me physically in the face.
"Don't let the cold in Joanna," Mother says behind me, she has just come down the stairs and is already shivering.
"Bye Mother" and I close the thick metal door behind me as I leave leaving nothing but a desolate quiet to face my ears.
That is, but the cold.
This is Antarctica you know.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Warm as Ice: Prologue, Remembered.Points:
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Hey, Alex!
1. Consider changing the comma after "I can't" to a period and making it a sentence.
2. The bolded should be -- Ophelia, Mother, and I
3. mayor Faraday should be Mayor Faraday, as it's a proper noun.
I think you meant groan?
Okay so, first thing: you need to include a date at the top of this, since you did so in the previous chapter. Never assume the reader will remember the date; play it safe and give it to us at the beginning of each chapter.
Okay, so the main character is a girl?! I have to admit, I was confused on the gender. You've given little to no mentions or indication that she is a she, so be cautious of that next time. Knowing what gender the main character helps the reader establish a mental image of them and helps connect the reader and the character. And connection is key; otherwise, the reader will lose interest.
You've got some more punctuation errors here, but not as bad as the previous chapter. Be sure to weed through and fix them here too. Also take note of when to and when not to capitalize.
I am a bit confused as to what's going on. In the previous chapter, she was in an accident and I believe her city was being attacked? And now she's off to do some ice picking? This is why a date helps, or you should work on making things more clearer and not randomly jumping around because I am so confused. xD
Other than that, this has promise! Lots of things are unanswered, so I look forward to hopefully seeing more of this and having some questions answered soon.
Hey Iggy.
Let me fill you in a little bit.
I wrote this about a month before the prologue to test the idea so it won't really make much sense now the prologue is out. I'm going to write a revised version which should make sense soon!
Thanks for the review, although it may not have been the right story.
Hey Alex, Cheetah here to review your chapter!
This is such an interesting concept! It's unique and you could really do a lot with the whole idea of Antarctica and ice picking. I'm really excited to see where this story goes!
I only saw one grammar error:
It should be 'Ophelia, Mother, and I' because if you were alone you would say 'I need to pay our tax' rather than 'me need to pay our tax'.
TimmyJake seems to have claimed the punctuation errors, so you're clear there. I would only recommend being very careful of the way you portray Antarctica because it gets below zero more often than not. But I wouldn't worry about that too much because you're describing the cold very clearly.
This looks great! Please let me know when you post more of this. Keep writing!
Thank you cheetah! I am keeping in mind the temperature of Antarctica but keep in mind that this is the future and global warming would have probably taken some effect.
Oh, you're right! I completely forgot about that.
This was an interesting picture you painted here. I admire the general idea and plot-line. You started out strong and proud, bravo for that!

There were a few punctuation errors that I would suggest you look over. Just a few commas and periods in different places. Don't worry, punctuation is my old enemy, too.
Other than that I would suggest adding a bit more detail into your writing. You do paint a picture here, but not a very vivid one. There are many places where you left the atmosphere up to the reader to guess, which isn't always such a bad thing, but considering the mysterious and unknown plains of Antartica, I would add more detail. Great story, all the same,
Keep writing!
Thanks for the feedback! I will try to add detail! I'm a little bit worried that I'll add to much though...
Timmyjake here to give you a review!
First, I love your story idea. A science fiction story is always cool. It is your idea of what the future will be like. Synthetic oats? Love it!!
You are very descriptive in your writing, which I like. One thing I noticed is that you love to use commas. Commas, commas, and more commas. I'll throw in a sentence to show you what I mean.
The kitchen door is closed, as usual, to prevent Leo, my fish dog, from running amok in the house.
It isn't a big deal, but I thought I would point it out to you. maybe like this?
The kitchen door is closed as usual to prevent Leo, my dog, from running amok in the house.
Maybe like that.
My arms aching from all the work I have been doing, you would think you would get used to ice picking, but no.
Maybe "my arms are aching?"
In this part and others I noticed something.
"Bye Mother"
After most of your characters talking, you tend to leave out the comma. So it seems as though in some places there is an overabundance of commas, in others a lack. Just a few reads will clear it up.
All in all I think it is awesome! Great story line so far. I like how you write it in the present tense! Write more and then post it!
Thanks, the number of commas was a thing i didn't notice during editing.
My dog is called Leo and he is my little fish dog.
Very good! I also noticed that your main character is a girl... Usually that means that the author is a girl. For some reason I had the idea that you were a boy. (Must have been the dog with glasses)
I am a boy, thought it would better to try it as a girl.
Oh! Haha. Got me there. I have a main character in my book that is a teen girl. I actually enjoy writing on her more than my other characters.