Indecisive Fate
Chapter 2, Mister and Miss Popular
It was early Monday morning in Aio town. Dan was lying in his bed tired from yesterday’s events. ‘I really don’t want to go to school.’ He mentally groaned. It wasn't that he was tired, he just worried that Ivan might exact his revenge on him. Though, he still needed to prove that he had gotten the music sheets from Ivan in the first place.
He groaned as he got out of his bed and started going down stairs to get breakfast. He got done ASAP with his chores out of habit mostly. He always felt he needed to be ready to go as fast he could. It wasn't long before he was ready to go…but with 30 minutes ‘til he needed to actually go to school. Going early wasn't an option; he’d just get roped in to doing something he didn't want to do, he knows from experience.
So Dan decided to work on a plan to avoid Ivan. He even went as far as to write it down so he would know what to do in a pinch. This guy really scared Dan somehow. 25 minutes later, he had solid plan for avoiding the creepy clock tower mechanic.
“I hope this works…” he said as gathered up his things for school.
He said bye to his parents as he stepped outside in the glaring morning light. His dark green hooded jacket swished freely in the wind revealing his black rock T-shirt.
He sighed as he walked to the bus stop waiting for the yellow metal box to chug up in front of him and haul him off to school. He didn’t wait long as the bus rolled up in front of him a couple of minutes later. He stepped on and tried to find his seat, wherever it was today. He spotted his friend and partner in almost all of his classes Nathan. Nathan was, unusual, to say the least. He had dirty blonde hair, and was wearing army green cargo pants and a black Under Armor shirt that went half way down his forearms. On top of that, he wore a grey long sleeved button-up shirt that only just went past his elbows. He had his signature navy blue and dark grey cap on with his Saturn shaped necklace hanging from his thin neck. You wouldn’t have noticed it immediately, but a Rubik Cube puzzle hung from his belt.
He sat there looking out the window with his bag beside him. Dan walked over and poked in his ribs to get his attention. Nathan turned his head slowly and smiled at Dan.
“Have ya come to take my seat finally?” Nathan asked sarcastically.
Dan chuckled at this then sat down with out another word. Nathan rolled his yellow eyes at the lack of a response.
“Excuse me but I never said you could sit by me.” Nathan said snobbishly.
“No,” Dan sighed “but I didn’t need to ask before now did I Nathaniel Herman Jackson?”
Nathan’s smile disappeared with the wind.
“How many times have I told you not to call me by my full name?” Nathan replied angrily.
“Let’s count; there was your birthday…Wednesday a couple of weeks ago… then there was-”
“Alright enough already!” Nathan cut Dan off before he could continue.
Dan laughed at his friends’ reaction. “Priceless, so priceless!” Dan said as he continued to laugh.
Nathan’s scowl soon dissolved as he started joining him in laughter. They went on for a few moments then it faded away.
“Okay you win; I’ll let you off this time.” Nathan said as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
“You always say that but never deliver.” Dan said with a smile.
Nathan shook his head as they approached their destination. They both got up and pulled their backpacks on as the bus came to a stop. The sidewalk was quickly flooded with kids trying to get to their lockers as to begin the day. Nathan and Dan got off and headed straight to their lockers. As they approached their assigned lockers they noticed a familiar face.
Lucy Spessemper, was one of the most popular people in the school, period. Lucy had hair that was dark red and in ponytails out the side of her head that were both- and this is an actual measurement-a foot and a half long! She had her red scarf with a rose emblazoned on the neck that was a foot and half, folded around her neck, and hanging from both sides. She had a light blue T-shirt and faded jeans on today and was looking directly at them. Normally, just about any boy being stared at Lucy thought they might be her first boy friend ever. Snowball chance in hell friends.
But Lucy was just friends with Dan and Nathan. Though her popularity originates not from her brother but her good grades, good acrobatics skills and keen ability to look beautiful in almost any article of clothing.
“Hello Nalien and Desk-head.” She said playfully.
It was what she did to them on Mondays just to remind them how miserable they truly were.
“Hello to you too wire hair.” Dan retorted.
Lucy chuckled at this. “Good you’re finally learning how I work.” Lucy said cheerfully.
“Now where’s that nut bolt brother of mine?” Lucy asked looking around the hallway while Nathan got his things from his locker.
Dan however stiffened at the memory of his visit to the clock tower.
“There he is!” Lucy declared as she spotted Ivan… coming right toward them.
Dan ducked and tried to remain hidden from Ivan but he was already spotted by the clock tower keeper. Ivan grinned at this. ‘I should really tell him not to be so foolish…’ Ivan thought as he approached the group. Nathan turned from his locker and went wide eyed at the sight of Ivan standing right behind him.
“Hello Lucy, Nathan, and Dan.” He said as looked to each of them respectively.
Dan slowly got up from his crouched position and faced the teen that had scared him out of his wits just yesterday. He noticed that Ivan had changed from his old outfit… sort of. Ivan wasn’t wearing the vest anymore but he changed his other clothing from deep-sea blue to parchment tan. Before Dan could speak Ivan raised his index finger to silence him.
“First off, I am not here to hurt in any way, shape or form. Second, what happened yesterday was nothing but a misdirection from my true intentions, which were to get you to acquire those papers. Finally, I came here to try and reason with you to forget any and all previous notions or ideas you may or may not have had about me.”
Dan was shocked to say the least. He had just basically been told ‘you just went through all that for nothing’. Ouch.
“Further more we are running out of time to get to our class.” Ivan concluded.
“Wait, ‘our’ class?” Dan asked but he was afraid that he knew the answer.
“Yes, I skipped a grade with my immense intelligence, though you never noticed me.” He stated flatly.
It hit Dan, hard
“Crap! I’m gonna be late!” he yelled as he grabbed what he needed from his locker and ran to first period.
Nathan, Lucy, and Ivan all looked on with different looks. Nathan was mouth open surprised, Lucy was eyebrow raised confused, and Ivan was mischievously smiling at his handy work.
“That went better than I initially hoped.” Ivan stated as he went after Dan to first period Biology.
“T-th-that’s your b-brother?” Nathan stuttered in disbelief.
Lucy sighed. “Yes, but you’re lucky you don’t have Biology first period right?” She asked with a hint of pleading in her voice.
“Yeah, I-.” Nathan started but realized he did have Biology first period. “NNNNOOOOOOO!” Nathan shouted to the ceiling. “How can this be!? I never did anything so terrible as to deserve this!” Nathan yelled as he ran to first period, because he had nowhere else to go.
“I need to rethink who I have as friends…” Lucy muttered as she walked off to her own class.
Dan and Nathan were nervous for several reasons. One: was because they were in the same class as a supposed nutcase and two: because they needed to think of costumes to wear at the Halloween Party coming up next week. This made them unable to fully focus on what they were being taught. First period was done with quickly but Dan was worried that Ivan mi- “Denarius?”
“AAAHHHH!” Dan shouted as Ivan appeared behind him.
“Denarius, are you free after school?” Ivan inquired.
“A bit early to be asking that don’t you think?” Dan asked, annoyed.
Ivan remained silent for a second then said. “Right, I should’ve waited ‘til lunch, how impatient of me.” he then started walking towards the next class but stopped to say. “The tower if you can…” then he continued on his way.
Dan scratched his head at the teen’s behavior.
“What did I just…?” Dan shook his head and went on his way…only to be stopped by a crowd of people.
“Hey what’s the hold up?” Dan asked.
A high schooler turned around at Dan.
“It the craziest thing!” He said as moved so Dan could see.
In the middle of the circle of people, stood N and two others, facing off or something.
“Take it back now!” Nathan yelled at the other two boys.
“Why? We all know it’s the truth.” One of them said smugly.
Nathan growled and was about charge when a voice that pierced every other sound and froze and silenced them all.
“Stop.” They all turned towards the voice, the speaker being none other than Ivan with look of annoyance on his face. “Who are you to decide what is true and what is not?” Ivan asked in a vindictive tone.
“Get lost freak!” the other boy yelled, which was big mistake.
Ivan’s face flushed red at the comment and he stepped forward within the circle. Ivan stood two meters away from them with a look of pure, uncontrolled rage.
“My name is IVAN! Got it!? I-V-A-N. Ivan! Now you are going to RUN to your class or regret every word that further comes from your lips! AM I CLEAR!?” Ivan shouted with such wrath, everyone thought it would be a homicide case. The boys took his advice and ran to their classes as fast as their feet could take them.
After they had left Lucy immediately stepped toward Ivan.
“Ivan calm you self this instant!” She yelled.
Ivan just stood there quiet as could be, and then he jerked his arm out of her grasp and walked towards his class. Lucy was now once again in the spotlight as everyone was looking at her now. “Thanks for stepping in when you did Lucy.” Someone said from the crowd. Everyone nodded and muttered thanks for her quick interference.
Lucy just scoffed at their ‘thanks’ and walked away. Lucy hated attention when it was related to her brother. She just wanted him to be happy and they didn’t help her one bit. She would talk to him later, for now she needed to get to class. She was already tired of the spotlight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there~
I want to start off by saying that this is the first chapter I've read, so if I say something ridiculous blame it on that. Otherwise, let's get started~
Your characters are so adorable. I love them all. Especially Nathan. He just speaks to me I suppose.
I'm going to jump into nitpicks:
Perhaps thoughts would be better in italics? That's just an opinion, so you can ignore it if you want. I do really think that mentally groaned is just really awkward. Maybe just say thought instead or perhaps, cut out this thought all together, and show us how much he's dreading school via actions.
Since he rides the bus, it wouldn't matter if he got roped into something or not. He doesn't have a way to get to school.
The popular girl is almost never friends with these kinds of guys. It's possible, I guess, but improbable
This bit made me chuckle, but you might want to consider some other way of emphasizing the no part. All caps looks unprofessional and can be kind of distracting. Consider italics instead.
I notice that you have a lot of comma mistakes. You're either leaving them out or putting them where they're not supposed to be. I highly suggest you read this gift from heaven. Of course, I would be glad to talk through commas with you if you'd rather do that.
I really enjoyed your chapter. It was funny and the characters were engaging.
If you have any questions or comments, please PM me, hit up my wall, or find me in chat.
See you~
Megs~
Italics for thoughts? Hmm...maybe...
Dan could just walk there and be there in 20 minutes but Americans are way too lazy for that. In the part of Europe I live, if it's not the other side of the city, you walk there.
If I didn't capitalize the 'no' it wouldn't be as fitting. Nathan is and over reactive gaming slouch so it fits that he realizes that he is in the same class as a pathological liar. Though Ivan has a good reason for being that way... (Foreshadowing!)
Thank you for pointing out somethings and giving some praise as well. I hope enjoy the rest of the series. BYE!
I thought this was very well written. You have a good knack for dialogue.
At this point, what I'd suggest mainly is cutting out any excess words. For example:
Your dialogue is strong and stands very well all by itself. When Nathan stutters, we can already tell it's out of disbelief due to both the way you set it up and also the way you wrote his dialogue. When Lucy asks her question, we already have a good idea of the tone.
The problem with including excess words is that you run into the danger of the story becoming boring. The more unnecessary words you cut out, the less the chance that the reader will stop reading. Moreover, excess words usually just repeat something the writer already either told us or showed us. Repeating it a second time can be good for emphasis, but most of the time you leave the reader just thinking, "but the author already told us this."
Another thing I noticed about your writing style is a heavy reliance on the use of ellipses (...). Generally speaking, you should never use these in your writing unless you're a really, really good writer. They're at best unnecessary and at worse distracting.
Overall, though, I thought this was very well written. Your dialogue and pacing is great, and I love the interactions between the characters. Well done.
First, I'm going to start out saying that I really like this story so far and you have a great flow going on here. Second, you're an extremely good writer.

The only thing I would suggest working on is sentence structure. The first paragraph sounds really choppy and blunt.
I look forward to reading more of your things.
If you like this then check out the previos chapter and prologue. (not in that order)
Hey MW (thats your new nickname). Aside from asking people for reviews, which is perfectly fine by the way, I recommend you review a few peoples works, and at the bottom ask them to review yours.