Hey Indie,
You have some great narration here that really illustrates the struggle of faith, the fear of failing but also a sense of the love of it too. Your reading of this by the way was absolutely fantastic. I read it, and I thought "okay" but when I heard it, I was much more moved.
I think Karz did a great job sort of extrapolating where this disconnect is happening as far as reading this on the page. Your turn of phrasings and cadence is fine. I'm personally okay with the flow of it <<soundwise>> but I agree with K about how the flow of this <<idea-wise>> is a lot to take in. I think the main revising that needs to be done is to make it more intimate with the reader, as it's all a bit distant.
I was looking at some of the contest entries' previous winners, and one of the things that they all have in common is that it is all <<scene>>, words that take place in a specific time and place with specific people, specific emotions, and specific ideas that makes it all the more accessible to the reader. Clarity and specificity is what you'll need to aim for.
More of this:
my hands are small. Yours are still spotted with splinters...
they take the form of my name and spell the words: “Come home.”
and less of this:
He is innocence but not the selfish kind that stays preserved. His essence is not an imploding first read.
It might be a good start to kill your darlings and only preserve the lines and pieces that you absolutely cannot delete/cut away. Once you've gathered your gems, maybe try to think back towards that moment that has inspired you to write this piece. Does that make sense? Don't write about the /emotions/ you get from the moment -- write about THE MOMENT -- what were you doing, what were you wearing, who were you with, what did things smell like, taste like, feel like, what were you saying, how is that moment important -- and then when you jot those things down, find out what is poetic about it. You've a good eye, so you'll see it. If you write about that moment well enough -- then the emotions itself will pour out of it.
Does that make sense? A moment stabs us -- but the description of the emotions /about/ a moment is diluting the intimacy of the moment itself. We tell stories and poems to be connected to a moment in time from other people's perspectives and point of views. It's the difference between telling vs. showing. Put us into that moment so that we can feel right along with you.
If you look at "Full Blood" on that site -- notice how the poem is about an actual person -- it describes that person, her history, her appearance, her character -- it describes the moment when the narrator realizes something's wrong, and only then are the emotions interspersed.
This poem is lovely, it just needs to stay grounded. Talk about Jesus the person by making him a person, giving him a character, a context in your point of view. Or maybe you've seen Jesus by seeing him through another person! The fact that I don't know the specifics of what happened in this poem means that it's not specific enough.
Let the scene speak for itself, have the ideas be seasoned in -- don't let the ideas take over the entire poem.
Hope this helps! But let me know if you have any questions and if you want to chat this one up. Revising for contests can be a tough cookie.
~ Audy
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