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Ode to the Night Sky

by Gravity


The stars twinkle and shimmer,
For hours in the night.
They dance and they glimmer,
And help my dreams take flight.

The sky is the paper.
The stars are the paint.
The night is the canvas.
And God is the painter.
I begin to feel wistful,
For the sun is tainting
My view of the night sky,
And the wonderful feeling
When I feel like I can fly.

So I must say goodbye
To the lovely night sky
Because the morning

Is upon me again.


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116 Reviews


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Mon Nov 25, 2013 7:14 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...



Hello there, Buzz here to review!

Well I liked your title, it was intriguing and I also liked the general concept of your poem, it was interesting and simple so well done on that.

There is always room for improvement so I have some suggestions to address to you.

Firstly, your grammar and punctuation is good overall though, i'm not sure if it's intentional or not but at most points in your poem you begin with a capital letter when you're still talking about the same sentence so that may read a bit confusingly.

I also think your rhyme scheme worked at times but other times it felt very forced, which took away from how good the poem could have potentially been at those points.

Your line lengths are very awkward because they're inconsistent, five lines in stanza one, nine lines in stanza two, three lines and one final one in stanza three, which ruins the flow and creates inconsistent syllables.

"The stars twinkle and shimmer,
For hours in the night.
They dance and they glimmer,
And help my dreams take flight."

I liked this stanza most of all because here, the rhyme scheme worked because they rhymed accordingly to what the topic of this stanza was describing. You also used great imagery.

"The sky is the paper.
The stars are the paint.
The night is the canvas.
And God is the painter.
I begin to feel wistful,
For the sun is tainting
My view of the night sky,
And the wonderful feeling
When I feel like I can fly."

Here, the rhyme scheme began to fall apart a bit. Also, the ending of "paint" and "painter", is a bit too similar so it feels a bit off to add them in.

"So I must say goodbye
To the lovely night sky
Because the morning

Is upon me again."

Here, I was expecting a more spectacular ending, it was a bit bland. I'd have liked to see you elaborate more about the longing to see the night sky again, what you'll miss or even describe the morning you'll see.

Overall good poem, I hope I was of help to you and keep writing!

-Buzz




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Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:14 pm
Archer wrote a review...



I really enjoy your first stanza. The rhyme and the meter are both perfect.

I think the second stanza is uneven though. The first four lines are actually pretty good, and I agree with Alfonso that the repetition of paint actually serves the poem rather well. If I had one suggestion, it would be to change "paper" to "canvas."

However, the poem starts wandering off when you get to "I begin to feel faint." To be honest, it reads as if you squeezed "faint" in there just because it rhymes with "paint." It, and the lines that follow, don't match with the rest of the poem in both style and in basic structure.

If I had to pinpoint the issue, I'd say it's the forced rhyming. It works really well in the first stanza, but doesn't work anywhere else. I would say dump the rhyming, and instead concentrate on just getting the flow right. So instead of saying, "I begin to feel faint...," instead say, "But as the sun rises,/ I begin to feel faint,/ As my view of the night sky,/ Slowly gives way to a new dawn." Or... something like that.

Overall, the first half of this poem is great. The second half does need work, but I think if you ditch the rhyming scheme, you'll be able to create something really fantastic (as you proved you can do in the first half).






Is this better? I made an edit.



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 1:06 am
AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Hello there, happy Review Day!

This is a wonderful poem. I like mostly the first and second stanzas, for they seemed to have excellent flow and ryming.

I like this part:

The sky is the paper.
The stars are the paint.
The night is the painting.
God is the painter.


I like the repetition of the painting concept, but the flow seems a little strange in the last verse, as if it were an enumeration. I think that if the third verse ended with a comma and the last verse started with "And God", it might flow a little better.

Also, I liked but was a but disappointed with the way you ended it. I find it would have been so much better if it ended with a rhyme, as the rest of the poem did.

But that is all I have to say. Your poem was very good, so keep writing!

-AlfonsoF, proud member of the Apple Dumpling Gang




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Sun Nov 24, 2013 12:33 am
FireFox wrote a review...



Hey, here to do a review of this piece. I don't typically read, write, or review poetry, but I decided to take a chance and try it out. So, forgive me if I say something stupid because I don't know much about poetry, but I did enjoy this poem.

Needs Improvement:
1. I may be wrong about this, because I know there are no set rules on poetry, or writing for that matter, but I feel that being that you used a comma in your first stanza (first line), perhaps your last stanza would read better if you included commas at the end of appropriate lines. I'm just a freak for uniformity, so if that doesn't seem right, I understand. Haha.

2. Again with the uniformity, but maybe there is a way that you could make each stanza have the same amount of lines. It would read and flow easier, in my opinion. Just a thought.

That's really all I can think of in regards to things that you can improve. I think you did fantastic with the rhyme scheme. Although it doesn't all rhyme perfectly, it is a very rounded poem and the rhyming in the second stanza, specifically, is fantastic. I also like how you separated the last line from the last stanza. It has more of an impact that way, methinks.

-FireFox





When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer