my heart is silent in the morning
As is my harrowed mind-
the windows are shut;
The doors barred
And everything is silent as it was from the start.
As the dark night approaches
A small thrum rings through the earth
And explodes in my mind as colour.
Vibrant, violent colours they are,
Hues of every red and orange there ever was,
As well as shades of blue.
I think of regrets long past with
A heavy heart
And burdens to come return
to haunt me again.
And yet the flowers-
How they bloom!
Against the desolate darkness that
lies within
The flowers I thought would never bear
shine with a dazzling brilliance-
An unseen force
Moves my hand now,
It races across the page
painting elaborate fantasies
in words - a blood red.
My heart soon stops
Thumping,
My breath starts to slow
I can feel the pen being let go.
Time has passed,
The window closed,
All bolts in place.
And I wait for this time to come again.
-
This is like my first poem...ever.
Rip it apart!
I'm not too sure about the title either.
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137,557 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Your first Poem? Really? My first one sounded so stupid I was red in the face when my parents read it. Rip it apart? What an invitation!
timmyjake here, forgottenspellbinder.
Your poem is really colorful, with vivid phrases and descriptions.
A small thrum rings through the earth
And explodes in my mind as colour.
Vibrant, violent colours they are,
Hues of every red and orange there ever was,
As well as shades of blue.
I like those lines. They're very smooth.
the time has passed,
The window closed,
All bolts in place.
Maybe All bolts are in place? I don't know, but it just doesn't sound right. Something's missing.
the windows are shut;
The doors barred
And everything is silent as it was from the start.
That last line doesn't seem to match the others. Maybe cut a few words out? Everthing is silent as if it was the start? Not much shorter, though.
All in all, I think that its really good. I'm thinking about posting a poem of my own here, so you can rip mine apart then!
Hey, thanks for the review!
I'll work on it!
And, sure
Hmmm... Maybe I shouldn't have said that.
Sorry, just saw this. Why's that?
Giving you a welcome to take the 50 cal. to my work is a wonderful invitation, isn't it?
Hey ForgottenSpellbinder! Pompadour here for a review!
OK, so I get that you had a problem with the spacing, so you might want to try and press "SHIFT+ENTER" for a small line line break, and just "ENTER" if you want to go bounding across the page. If that doesn't work, you might want to divide lines using a "*." That way, it's much easier to read, and less straining on the eyes. But never mind the formatting problems, I'm here to review your poem!
My favourite line is this one:
I feel this verse is a bit off though:
When you use "the" before "time," it feels pretty weird, and it'd be better if it were just "time" here instead. Also, this bit feels a little fragmented. Why not try something with a bit more depth? Some imagery perhaps? You managed to reel us in before, but upon reaching the end, your poem feels kinda ... flat. How about something like: "time has passed by,/ and the window is closed,/ the shutters are down,/ all bolts in place." Also it's unclear by what you mean when you say "this time to come again." What time? Yes, I understand it was the time when you were stuck with brilliance, but if you were to add a spark to the last line, weaving the beginning and the ending together, I feel your poem will have achieved a proper closure; sweet and simple. Like: 'And I wait for the darkness, and the colour,/ and I wait for the seconds to tick by,/ so I can fly within that time/ unbidden." or something like that. It's totally up to you, but I think you might want to work on the ending a bit.
Overall, this poem was really good! The imagery in the first few lines was amazing, and I really enjoyed reading this! So keep writing, and I hope to read more of your work soon!
Digital cookies,
~Pompadour
Thanks! For the sneaky hint about the shift button too(it worked).
That last bit was mainly to round up the first part of the poem
Hmm. I get what you mean, so I'll work on it!
Thanks so much for dropping off a review <3
Dragon here, reviewing my new minions first poem, so congrats:D Boy, does it feel good to review again, and this poem has a feel good sense to it, but I could just as easily pick up any other poetry book and find one just like this. What sets your poem out from the others, asides from that epic name? Throw in a twist, make it feel like I'm entering another world:D Also, it's good to let readers interpret their own meaning of the poem, but I couldn't really tell if this was supposed to be a depressing, happy, or emotional poem, but I personally think it should be more apparent, I felt a bit torn what I was supposed to feel after reading this. Or maybe it's just me, but that's my opinion:) Also, what was up with the / thingy's? I understand if they were to highlight a new paragraph, but spaces work just as well. Overall, I think this is a decent piece of poetry, that I'm going to read avian. Well done, minion:D
Hey, thanks for the review! I understand what you're trying to say and I'll work on it!
As for the paragraphs, I put in spaces, but every time I previewed it, they disappeared