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Stella Amor

by VeniVidiVici


Intense fascination with glittering constellations,

don't break my concentration, I'm counting stars.

self-interrogation to find my meditation,

It's my mental ventilation, I'm counting scars.

I point to the universe,

and start with the heart of the Azure Dragon.

Si vis amari, ama.


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192 Reviews


Points: 19207
Reviews: 192

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Wed Nov 20, 2013 6:42 pm
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



Salutatio!

You know, if I didn't spend so much time on Spanish, I would take Latin. Ah well, est ut est.

The way you break up the lines here doesn't make much sense. There is a rhyme going on, but that pattern is stunted if you don't give your words much room. It feels a litte, odd.

Suggested line breaks:

Intense fascination

with glittering constellations,

don't break my concentration,

I'm counting stars.


etc...

Now, this is just my personal suggestion here, as I think it would flow better that way. The way you have it now is fine, be aware that spacing it differently will lend the poem a different style. However, I found that while the two-phrased lines might work in the first stanza, the following ones don't fit just right.

self-interrogation to find my meditation,

It's my mental ventilation,


Meditation is (depending on the definition) self-interrogation and mental ventilation. So to have all three in there seems redundant. It seems a bit contrived, like you threw all of them in there just to get the "ation" limerick. Are there other, more visual words that could fit there instead? Just look it over.

and start with the heart of the Azure Dragon.


This is a constellation, yes? I might suggest using its Latin name, since that might fit better with the rest of the poem. This sort of sticks out, and if a person doesn't know their stars they might confuse it with something else. (Like me, ;) )

Si vis amari, ama


Cool way to end this. Not sure if it fits exactly with this, but if it does, it adds a second layer of meaning.

Hope I could help, there wasn't really a lot for me to review. Heh.
~ED




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Points: 530
Reviews: 8

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Wed Nov 20, 2013 4:52 pm
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JennTay wrote a review...



Hey there!
I find latin a fascinating language as well. The book i'm writing uses a lot of latin. I'm glad someone else shares that same interest in the language. :) And i absolutely love this poem. It is very well written and i love the words you used for rhyming. Keep up the good work:)





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