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Young Writers Society



Vixen Academy; Chapter One

by Frosting, Milaita


Please leave a review! This is my first book on this website, and I hope you like it!

I sat on my bed, twiddling my thumbs while looking outside at the dreary landscape. Raindrops slowly dropped down out of the clouds, pitter patter, drip-drop. I had been confined to my quarters by the Professor, so that I wouldn't peek at my test results. I could only hope I made it in. A knock on my door aroused my from my daydreaming, and I moved to the door. A man sat there, looking proper and holding some sort of paper.

"You have been accepted." The man said to me, holding out the paper.

"Err, do I sign this?" I asked him.

"Yes." He replied simply.

I signed the paper, and he left. Soon after, a small girl escorted me from my old room, a dreary metallic room, decorated with a few blue posters, and the walls were painted, obviously not intended, with spraypaint that said: "Die in hell!" I was kind of glad to leave it. We passed through a huge hallway, with golden walls and a chandelier on the top every few feet. I was soon inside a large room, a cozy-looking room, with two beds and a lampshade separating them. A chandelier hung at the top, and the hardwood floors squeaked, as if they had just been polished. I thanked the girl, and she left, after informing me I would have a room-mate. With my luck, it would be someone Sara hated.

Soon after, a boy around my age, with a tattoo covering his left arm, and his teeth grit, came into the room. He had brown hair, and it fell over one of his black eyes. He looked kind of emo and brutal, and I was not too excited to have him inside my cozy new room.

"Who are you?" I asked, not meaning to be rude.

"Peter, your new room-mate." He answered.

"Oh goody." I thought to myself.

The boy unpacked his things, and I left. As soon as I came out, I was tackle-hugged by Sara, and her cousin, Megan, grinned at me.

"Hey Sara, Megan." I said to them.

"Hey Will!" Sara kissed me on the cheek, while Megan just waved and said hello.

We were then greeted by a young woman, who said her name was Kathy. She seemed nice, and she led us on a tour around the academy. I was shocked at how big it was. It had a large cafeteria, and I saw that gourmet food was being served. There were multiple lunch-ladies, and all of them had on fancy dresses and aprons. They wore hairnets that looked polished, and they served everything with a smile. We were DEFINITELY not back in school.

Next, I was led to a huge room, where there were bleachers, and a large chalkboard at the front. The bleachers, which looked rather comfortable, were obviously meant to be occupied by hundreds of students. A older man stood at the front, drawing on the chalkboard, what seemed to be ways of channeling magic into new forms. This must be one of the training rooms.

Next up, we were in the massive 'stadium'. It was meant for tournaments, or bigger trainings. We were then informed that the training tomorrow, which was some big initiation, would be held here by three of the best students in the Academy. I was very excited.

After completing the tour, we were told we could wander, or get our class schedules. Megan went to grab our schedules, while me and Sarah slowly wandered to the cafeteria. Upon arriving, three older students walked up to us.

"Hi!" One of them, a girl with brown hair, said to us.

"Hi..." I said, and Sarah shrunk back.

"We're the representatives for the Academy on the Council!" The tall boy, who had blonde hair said.

"Yeah, we make sure all the new students are ready for the training tomorrow." A boy with black hair told us.

"I'm Kiome," The girl with brown hair said.

"Rich." The black-haired boy said.

"Ben." The boy with blonde hair said.

"Err, nice to meet you, Kiome, Rich and Ben!" I said. They waved goodbye, and left us to ourselves.

We sat down at a table packed with students, and it said 'First Years' on it.

"Did you hear about the training?" One said.

"Yeah!" Another responded.

"I'm gonna beat ALL of you." Another said.

"Doubt it." A boy, who I recognized as Peter, said to them.

"Wanna go?" Another boy said.

"Not really." He returned, his hand igniting with black flames.

"Calm DOWN!" I said to the group.

"We'll find out who's better at training then!" The others said to Peter.

He just nodded.

Tomorrow was going to be a LONG day.


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Tue Nov 19, 2013 10:13 pm
EscapeToNeverland wrote a review...



Hey I'm here to review your chapter.

I'll start off by praising your writing, the way you wrote it, I liked it. A few grammatical errors, but who doesn't have them, right?

Though these 3 or 4 are ones that I thought I had to point out:

"A knock on my door aroused my from my daydreaming, and I moved to the door."
This should be; 'A knock on THE door aroused ME from my daydreaming, and I moved to the door.' This is because for one it is not the characters room, and secondly you used the wrong word here.

"A man sat there, looking proper and holding some sort of paper."
Shouldn't this be; 'A man STOOD there, looking proper and holding some sort of paper.'

"A older man stood at the front, drawing on the chalkboard, what seemed to be ways of channeling magic into new forms."
This is meant to be; 'AN older man stood at the front, drawing on the chalkboard, what seemed to be ways of CHANNELLING magic into new forms.'

"This must be one of the training rooms."
Sorry if I'm mistaken but shouldn't this have something like 'I thought to myself.'

Anyway I myself like the way you kept something’s unanswered in this chapter. Because in my opinion if you answer everything straight away it doesn't have that mystery there.

You described the rooms quite well. But you need to describe the characters better. You described Peter not too bad, but the others were a bit vague. You didn’t even describe Sara or Megan at all. Plus you could have described Kiome, Rich and Ben better. Like are they short or tall? Skinny or overweight? What colour eyes do they have? Do they have dark skin tones?

But really I like a lot overall. As I said earlier I like how you didn’t say too much about everything except for descriptions. I shall return shortly to review the next 2 chapters.

Xx
~Neverland.




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Mon Nov 18, 2013 7:02 am
Supermeggs12 wrote a review...



Some of your sentences sound choppy, so it would to look them over. Try reading the sentences out loud to yourself.

I think your plot has potential, however, the chapter was sort've fast. You start immidiately with the story, so the reader has no time to develope an emotional connection with the reader. I don't know very much about your main character's background, or her overall personality.




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Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:00 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!
Welcome to YWS! Feel free to check out the Knights of the Green Room.
viewforum.php?f=417

Now, on to the review.
Technical:

"The man said to me, holding out the paper, obviously I was supposed to sign it."

First off, this is a comma splice. The comma before "obviously" should be a period.
Second, you don't need "obviously I was supposed to sign it" if the character has to ask if he is supposed to sign it.
Third, your quotation punctuation system caught my attention. Now, although technically according to grammar it's incorrect, it's fine by this argument: Wordsmithing: The Comma Needs To Go!
It's not something that bothers me, but you should be aware that some readers won't like it (or at least will be bothered by it even if they manage to put up with it).

Onwards.
"After showing me around, she left"

I would recommend showing this, instead of telling. You could at least give a basic schematic of the room. You move really quickly through this piece, and some descriptions might slow it down a little.

"Probably someone his girlfriend, Sara, hated."

This is an ambiguous sentence. Who is the "he" in this sentence? Is this a third person reference to the narrator (which breaks character and PoV)? Or is this the person who just brought the paper to be signed? I would say by Sara's actions later on that she's the narrator's girlfriend, but as is, it's hard to tell.
Second thing to note: we don't need to know she's his girlfriend. That can be shown later on. It's not an integral fact at this point in time, and readers can and should be left to conjecture her relationship to the narrator for at least a little bit.

"Soon after, a boy around his age, with a tattoo covering his left arm, and his teeth grit, came into the room."

Either you still have the narrator shift from the previous sentence, or there's a third character we're not told about. Whose age? Until you establish that, I'd advise not using it.

"I was tackle-hugged by Sara, and her cousin, Megan, grinned at me."

Break these into two separate sentences. There are two completely different thoughts, and dividing them allows for more description. For example, you could say "Her cousin, Megan, grinned as I held Sara in my arms (or "as I wrapped my arms around Sara)." Much more description gets included, and it flows better.

"We went to the cafeteria, and got some lunch. Tomorrow was our first day of training."

And...major narrative jump. All the sudden they're in the cafeteria. We don't know where this cafeteria is, we don't know what it looks like, we don't know how they got there. All we know is they're there. And then WHAM!!! Apparently they're training for something. Where did that come from? You should show a lot more. You could relate the fact that they have to train through their conversation. If it's such a highly anticipated event, they'd be talking about it.

Overall, I'd say you need more description. One sentence summaries of where the main character starts out, where the MC's old room is, the general location of these rooms and places (i.e., this is an academy, but what's it look like?), and the people and such, all need more description. Slow it down. You're jumping right into the "action," and even then you're moving so fast I'm not sure what the action is supposed to be. Slow it down, take you're time.

Hope this helps!




Frosting says...


It definitely helped, and the 'his' girlfriend thing was a typo, it was meant to be 'I'. My next chapter will be much better, I hope. Thanks so much for all the reviews! I really hope that these make my next chapter, which I'm currently writing, better!



Frosting says...


Edited, and made the changes. Thanks for your help!



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Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:29 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello, welcome to YWS!
Now down to business:
'Vixen' refers to a female, just so you know...
This chapter is really short, and I think you could have gone somewhere further with it. Give some exposition and background, tell us more about recurring characters, and describe the place more.
I would have liked to know more about Vixen Academy itself, because I can't see where this story might go from here. Readers like to be able to make predictions, and there isn't enough here to do that.
There are one or two spots where you run-on with your commas, and it would be better to just break the sentence.
I really liked you onomatopoeias!
I'll be back, so be ware!

-Buggiedude2340




Frosting says...


Thanks for the review! In the next chapter, I'll definitely be doing what you told me. And I know, the Academy was founded by a woman, and since vixen sometimes refers to a troublemaker, I thought it was fitting. The chapter seemed much longer my head, and I wish I had seen it was so short! Thanks!

-Frosting



Frosting says...


Fixed it, I think, and made it much longer.




The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous