Darkness Awaits
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Extremely well written and interesting! Watch your diction, though, because you're a bit too wordy at times for the tone that you are using. The story could be fleshed out more, but I enjoyed it. You chose quite a unique setting. Keep up the good work
Thank you!
Interesting story set in a relatively uncommon locale. I didn't regret reading through this one. Anyway, I am The Raven and I will be reviewing your work at this moment. My review will be divided between What is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions. Now, let's get down to business, shall we?
What is Good:
1) Your grasp of the language is obvious in that no mistakes are obvious. I couldn't see any grammatical errors or any kind of errors. Your vocabulary is well developed, and it didn't seem to be abused for no good reason either - control is just as important as power.
2) You managed to pull off a fairy-tale like quality to it. If done right, it's always a bonus just like any other genre. It just so happens that a lot of works in specific genres weren't done well.
What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) I find your use of devices unwieldy.
Why nip at her ankles specifically? The wind doesn't discriminate body parts, even if the cold it brings is very sharp.
This is too technical. Why not hint at the idiosyncratic nature of the fortress instead?
This comes across as too exaggerated.
So there's no moonlight in Chernobyl?
Why arms? I wouldn't immediately associate the influence of radiation with arms. Why not tentacles? Why not a cloak? Why not the skirt of a jellyfish, or something like that?
2) Other than that, I noticed your use of the antiquated words 'betwixt' and 'twas'. Either they're antiquated or they stood out too much because the rest of the story's language did not fit. I'm afraid the anachronism isn't working. Either change them or change the other 99% of your words to fit those two.
3) Another small detail...
Why did he throw open the door with his foot? Can't it be opened with his hands?
4) Also, I noticed that you like to tell us how we should feel in certain situations. Example:
Why is it horrifying? It feels vacant, and thus not horrifying.
You did this also to tell us exactly how your characters feel, but not hint at it. Example:
Okay... but give us the symptoms too.
5) There are several plot holes, some obvious, some not so. For example, the most glaring one that jabbed at my side the most was the fact that Katyusha seems to be immune to radiation. The other one is not strictly a hole, but a floor made of paper - I can't really believe that they would just go to Chernobyl like that just for some thrill, when the wind is already a huge problem. Moreover, I find it hard to believe that they won't just turn back at any time. They need real motivations.
6) The short story is too short. Nothing really happens to them. Your short story can be summarised in one sentence: Kids got bored, goes to Pripyat, encounters dogs and radiation and retreats home. This is not good.
That's all I can think of. I hope my review helps. Write on!
{--Thank you for your input, Raven! I am always looking for suggestions and I will be sure to improve my writing. I'd love to lengthen my story, and get deeper, however this was an essay and was put within a deadline for how many words you could use. Perhaps I'll make a longer version on here. Thanks always!
-Satyne
Hello there I m MOnica and I will give you a brief review for your story.
Even though I m not a fan of the genre I enjoyed your story.
However you could use more metaphors in your story and deeper meanings. Examine more the realistic aspects and combine them with fantacy that would make any story in a piece of art.
I liked the way you worked with the language and the wording in general is very delicate in my opinion. I just prefer deeper more philosophical content.
Very good work nonetheless keep it up.