12+ Violence

Sons of Courage Book 2 Chapter 1 Cloaked figures; fire!

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1411 A.D.

The cloaked figure silently opened the door to the kitchen and stepped in the dark room. He quickly made his way to the opposite end and opened a second door leading to the dining area. A long table stretched the length of the room, adorned with a giant bowl of fruit in the middle, barely lit by the two dingy torches hanging from either side of the room. The figure silently dashed past and entered a third room.

This one was a comfortable sitting area with a large fireplace at one end. A small blaze crackled cheerfully, giving the room warmth on this cold winter night. The cloaked intruder stepped over and pulled a pouch from his belt. He pulled out a handful of dark powder and thrust it into the fire—instantly flames shot up nearly two feet.

He grabbed a candle from the hearth in lit the wick with the fire, then poured more powder on the nearest chair. He scattered more on the seats, then emptied the last of the contents of the pouch on the hearth.

He dropped the candle on the hearth and watched as in seconds it burst into flames. The figure lit a second candle and the seats to fire, then dashed out of the room. The night is just beginning.

“FIRE!”

King Albert jolted from his sleep at the outcry. He was out of his bed in seconds, thrusting the royal bedchamber door open. Smoke was beginning to fill the hall at an alarming rate. He could hear servants on the floor below trying to subdue the flames.

Albert ran through the smoke to the bottom floor of the building. He could see flames on his left burning at a rate much too high to be quenched. My son! I must get to my son. He must be kept safe. The king ran to his left down a hallway that had not yet been overcome by smoke. He reached the end and wrenched the door.

Two frightened maids were hastily wrapping a baby up in a warm blanket. They turned to Albert. “Your Majesty, we must get the baby to safety. The servants say the fire is spreading too rapidly to stop it!”

“Yes I know, take my son to the stables, he should be safe there. I’ll do what I can to contain the flames. Now move quickly or we will be cut off in this hall!”

The maids rushed out. Albert followed and choked as smoke filled the hall, reaching into very small nook and cranny. Albert pulled his nightshirt around his nose and mouth and rushed through the haze back into the main hall.

Servants and royal guards were dashing left and right, hurling buckets of water on the flames and beating at the inferno uselessly. Albert yelled for them to get out and they dropped everything and rushed out the large front door. Albert turned to follow, then remembered the crown.

Without the crown his son could not become king when he grew old enough; the crown was a symbol of who he was. It was placed in the upstairs at the end of the hall. He ran up the stairs, coughing and choking as the flames began to move upwards, sending plumes of rising smoke.

Albert reached the room and ran straight for the center where a velvet pillow held the crown at night. He pulled up short as he realized the crown was gone. Just as he spotted the dark figure in the corner holding the jeweled crown, the throwing star entered his throat.

The cloaked intruder watched as the frantic maid rushed for the small dock. He slipped a thin knife for throwing, out of his sleeve. The maid was frantically looking back as the house behind her was burned to the ground. The king was nowhere to be found. His baby was being carried to the docks by this maid, and the dark figure planned on never seeing the baby either.

He stood in the shadows twenty feet from the docks. The maid's bare feet padded on the wood and she stopped, breathing deeply, inhaling the fresh air. A cool breeze swept through, carrying the smoke along out to the river. The figure pulled back his arm, and in one solid motion flicked the knife out of his hand, and it sped straight for the baby.

The maid turned at that point, and the baby shifted in her arms. Th knife stuck into her chest, and inch above the small cuddled human being below. The maid scream and tipped back. The figure muttered a curse and prepared to throw another knife, intent on killing the baby. but the maid fell back, over the wooden dock, falling over three open barrels and splashed into the waters below. The baby let out a wail, and then nothing was heard.

The cloaked figure rushed over and looked out into the murky and dark waters. The maid was floating quietly in the water, having and the baby was nowhere to be seen. Two of the barrels floated for a few seconds, and then filled with water and sunk in a wave of bubbles.

The cloaked ninja smiled. [i]Mission complete.[/i]

Comments & reviews · 2
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Cailey
Review
Cailey wrote a review · Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:06 pm

Hey there, here with the first review on the second book.

Nice job with the characters again. You're good at getting a lot into a character while only using a few words.

I am wondering why the drastically different books though. I mean, I'm sure they will connect somehow in the end- and I know that you aren't just writing meaningless unconnected chapters.
But, this might just be a little bit too choppy. It just feels like unfinished stories, like you lack the motivation or the discipline to keep at it with one story, which I know isn't true at all.

So maybe make the first book longer? I mean, if you have a full trilogy with books that don't seem connected but are (Like the Giver, Gathering Blue, and the Messenger- which you should totally read if you haven't because they are fantastic.) that works a lot better and is a really fun read. But this is like a series of short stories, which I guess could also be really cool, but to me it just seems choppy. (Of course, this could definitely just be a personal taste, and probably everyone else thinks it's really cool and I'm just weird.)

But anyway- now on to this chapter. :)
Is this a house or a palace? It seems like you called it a house several times, but then the character is a king and there are all those servants, so wouldn't it be a castle or a palace or something?

Also, wouldn't stables be really unsafe in a fire? I mean, wood and hay and all- it seems like the stables would go up in flames really easily. Plus, later the maid carries the baby to the dock- which seems totally unrelated to stables. Why would she disobey the king?
And if the ninja is in the crown room (wherever the crown is) with the king, how would he still have managed to get out fast enough to see the maid just beginning to leave? What was she doing? Why is she so slow and why didn't she get the baby to safety??

Haja, sorry for all the questions. And a lot of this you don't need to change, but maybe a little bit more explanation if you do choose to leave it the way you have it here.

I really liked the beginning, though, with the ninja setting the fire in the first place. It was well described and did a great job at setting the tone of the chapter.

Hope this helps! As always, let me know when the next chapter comes out.

-Knight Cailey

Hey, I don't have time to respond right now, but I will sometime soon. Busy tomorrow for most of the day ,so it will probably be tomorrow evening.

Yeah, no problem.

finally here.
so, the sudden new book is a little off-throwing, I don't really have another way I could do it differently. The house/ palace thing was hard to write, because it isn't huge like a palace, but he does have servants, so I just called it a house.
Now, the stable part was a mistake. originally when I wrote this the dock part didn't exist, and I added that later, and forgot to switch the command to be "go to the dock" and the ninja is a ninja, so him getting to the docks is pretty simple, but I may change it a little sometime.
Now as far as the story and descriptiveness goes, I actually didn't like this chapter a lot, but everybody else, including you, Dark Knight, and my editor Liaya, all do, so I left it.

Mansion maybe? I think that could be a nice solution, since house just sounds so.. plain?

Ah, yeah, I do that a lot. Well, just make sure you change it. And maybe instead of just "go to the dock" it could be "go to the ship that will be waiting" or the boat or something- since that would make a lot of sense why she would run there.

Well, the way I see it, there's almost always room for a little bit more description- so feel free to work on that. And as for the story, at this point we don't know much of it, so maybe that's why we all liked it? We like the mystery, but it's clear enough that we can still identify. I mean, no one wants the baby to die!

User avatar
DreamWork
Review

Hi TheMessenger, DK here with review on your fantastic story with this chapter.
Your writing style becomes more and more enthralling through this chapter, plus details on the mood and behavior of each characters, it makes me excited to read the next and visualize the impact of the visuals in my head.Just a few things that you may have overlooked here;

This one* was a comfortable sitting area with a large fireplace at one end. A small blaze crackled cheerfully, giving the room warmth on this cold winter night.

It looks like you have entered an element of 'interference' on the character that has been created. Preferably be avoided by using other storytelling techniques to replace it.

Moving to the part of the story. What makes me stunned here is the conflict you created here. This story is really thrilling when King Albert trying to save her son from the fires made ​​by the ninja. The story is even more complicated when the king left the crown that is definitely important for his son to become a king when he grow up.
Overall,very nice and thrilling story for this chapter!Keep it up.
Kudos,cheers.

Thanks. Would you suggest changing the word one, to room, or living space?



I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest