z

Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Cassis poem

by noelsugarcube


I woke to any empty space next to me.

You leave me, but always come back

you’re a tease, aren't you?

I can’t move. What if this is the last time I see you?

Did I make the mistake again?

Why is it so painful to touch you?

I tried to get over you, but your touch is unforgettable.

I long for you to be by my side.

I want to feel your body close to mine.

Even if I lose you tomorrow, I will still love you.

I love you as you are.

I love you.

I will walk into the future with you in hand.

The suffering you've caused me has brought me unforgettable pain.

The days that I walk without you, make me feel the black hole of despair.

I feel lonely

I sit and stare into the rain, each an unshed tear of mine.

You become farther and farther away.

But I still believe you will return.

I want to smile.

I want to heal your hurt.

I wish not to let the feelings to fade, to cause more pain.

Even if you leave me, I will still love you.

Even when you leave with another man, I will still love you.

Forever and ever.

I will walk toward the future, carrying the burden of lost love.

My only wish, is you to be happy.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
88 Reviews


Points: 9590
Reviews: 88

Donate
Tue Oct 08, 2013 3:08 pm
whitewolfpuppy wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm Onyx and I will be reviewing your poem today! :)

Comments
Just a viewing thing, I would break it down in verses. Just for most people, a long block of words will cause the eyes to say that is too much and turn the reader away. Just a little tip.

I sit and stare into the rain, each an unshed tear of mine.

I like this line a lot, it is very deep in my opinion and something I can relate too! Love it!

Over all
There was nothing I could really see as a grammatical error. Great job! Keep on writing and if there is anything else that I can review for your. I would be more than happy to do your review. :) If you need anything else, feel free to send me a message and we can chat. Thank you very much and sorry this review is so short! :O
~Onyx




User avatar
363 Reviews


Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

Donate
Tue Oct 08, 2013 4:45 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi noelsugarcube,DK here with review on your poem.
Your poem is indeed different from the others romance poem I have ever read. It is a reality that ever experienced as well. However, the words you use are cliches and wholesomeness is gone, do not gives aesthetic value as I expected. However, you stay able to touched readers here.Good job!

Even if you leave me, I will still love you.
Even when you leave* with another man, I will still love you.

* But gosh,what does it mean by this line?I am totally confuse and I hope you can explain this to me.
Preferably, try to balance the rhythm on your poem too.Some lines become too long well others is short as just 3 words in it.
Overall,nice poem to read.Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers :)





"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov