z

Young Writers Society


12+

Mysterious Ways (chapter 1)

by Silverdragon150


(This is, believe it or not, the beginning of a story forming in my brain. XD If you want to see more, please tell me! It will help encourage me to write more! Thanks! ~Silver)

Chapter 1

He hit the water back first, the splash roaring in his ears as bubbles cascaded up from underneath him. He had been thinking that they might actually execute him- not just find a place where no one saw and toss him over board. It was pretty low, he thought, to be cast so little mind of his last rights and address, but he couldn’t do anything about it now. The dense rock affixed to him by a trail of chains holding his wrists and ankles together pulled him down quickly, though he didn’t know how quickly until he had the courage to open his eyes.

The salt in the water stung his face to no end, but at this point that didn’t matter to him. He cast his gaze upwards at where light that filtered down from above was becoming smaller and duller- the boat he had been on just seconds before was already hidden by the murky translucent liquid. As the light faded so did the last of his hope- even with how he had fought, controlled himself, and tread oh so carefully, here he was, with a scarce few lung-fulls of air between him and what would be his grave. He kept his mouth shut tight to trap it in, vaguely wishing he could have done that with his words before.

Soon the only thing his eyes could see in any direction was the deep blue surroundings, like floating in fog. How deep could he go, he wondered. As he did so he noticed a new pressure on his chest, slowly increasing, pressing in from all sides of him and touching every muscle of his body. He had to cringe, pulling his eyelids protectively over his sight organs for fear that they might erupt form his head or something of that kind. His lungs ached, making it seem like his chest cavity was filled with slowly smoldering kindling, waiting to burst into flames at any moment. He knew he couldn’t hold it much longer. Whatever the strange abilities of his were, they couldn’t save him now.

Something called to him. Even with the pressure causing his ears to pop and ring, he still heard something whisper to him from the fog of the water. He couldn’t tell if he was descending any longer, but he wasn’t sure he could honestly care either.Wanting to know, what it was, he opened his eyes the tiniest slits. At first, this showed nothing, until his mind vaguely recognized something different about the water. One section was getting darker, slowly, and ever so slightly. He figured it wouldn’t really matter- most likely just his thoughts playing tricks on him. But it continued to get darker, and eventually he realized that whatever this massive shadow was, it had a shape. Colossal, it towered around him in every direction, nearly dwarfing the ocean itself with its mass. The water split before it as it morphed out of the shadow. Fins stretched from its sides, and the tip of its nose seemed to reach out towards him.

Perhaps it was a whale, the thought slid through his mind. He had never seen them, only heard of them, the monstrous lords of the sea that had more mass than any land animal ever seen and nothing to eat them, they were so large. Perhaps this is what had called to him. Whatever it was, he doubted it could save him. Its nose nearly touched him as a stabbing pang of unease protruded in his gut. Something was wrong. Something was terribly, terribly wrong.

A horrendous noise filled the water as the shadow converged on him, its nose snapping into two parts as it opened its jaw wide. Water rushed into it, tugging him along with such force that, being already under the insufferable pressure, he felt that he might snap like a twig.His eyes snapped open and he gasped, the air leaving his lungs in a rush of bubbles that fled from the doomed man that had held them captive for so long. It then clamped its jaws shut, cutting him off from the water that had accompanied him before, leaving around him only darkness.

He floated for a moment before realizing that the air had left him, that there was no longer a tug on his chain to stay as a reference of direction, and that he was trapped in the mouth of the beast. Sadness crept in, replacing the hopelessness that had run its course, and overwhelming him. The distant darkness that surrounded him seemed to stretch of miles in any direction, leaving him floating in an empty void. He stared into it, watching it, even as his own void crept in on him, stemming from the water choking his lungs and making its way up to his mind. He watched the darkness, maybe waiting for some distant light to go towards, or some last moments where he could watch his life go by. Either way, they never came. He stared into the darkness until it over took him, and he fell into unconsciousness for the last time.

~~~

The beach was quiet. The tide rolled in and drifted out without much complaint. Two figures made their way along it, talking quietly to each other.

"Lieutenant, do you really think there's a way we can expand our reach? People don't trust us." The young woman queried the man.

"They don't trust what they don't understand, Kierra." He told her. "We just need to have a more complex, in depth- grasp on it, and someday you'll see. We can change some people's minds." He glanced over to smile at her, but she didn't look at him. In fact, she entirely stopped walking. His smile faded as he followed her gaze up the wide swath of sand.

Lying just within their sight was a dark shape, like a person, laying in the sand completely unmoving. Kierra darted forward, running to their aid, and the man followed behind just as quickly. The moments it took them to cover the ground made them grow tense. It has already been an eventful day, but it seemed it was not over yet.

She dropped to her knees next to the man in the sand. All around him the beach was soaking wet, even though the tide had backed away a little while ago and left him there. On his front, face resting in the sand, Kierra noticed rusted chains binding his wrists and ankles behind his back, but further on the chains had been broken off. He was clad in a kind of dark blue suit, but it was faded, water stained and not of a make she had ever seen. It was an old fabric that wasn't used any more, and though the man in the sand looked young enough to be going to college his clothes made him seem more like a working man. She bit her lip as she felt the man's clammy hand, but something made her hands tingle. It was a feeling she recognized, and it lifted her spirits a bit. Even with that, though, the slimy film over the surface of him only helped to churn her stomach. "He looks like something ate him and spit him back out again... Help me flip him over, Diedre."

The man that had accompanied her knelt down as well and aided Kierra in pulling the young man out of the sand. They pulled him up on his side, and though he hadn't been breathing there was a gurgling as some water slid out of his lungs. It was followed by some small coughs racking his body and spewing more sea water.

"He's alive!" Kierra smiled. "But he wasn't breathing at all!"

Diedre smirked a little. He had recognized the spark in his finger tips as well. "Magic works in mysterious ways, dear."

Kierra nodded and turned her attention back to the man. His front side was covered in sand, but she still recognized the edged of his coat and the front of his shirt. Wiping some of the sand off his face carefully, she frowned thoughtfully. "This is the fourth one today. Why are there so many people out here that need saving? And with.... Wow."

Diedre nodded. "Well, if we manage to keep him alive, he should have an interesting story to tell us."

They man in the sand stayed unconscious as Diedre carefully picked him up, but he could feel his heartbeat and hear his shallow breathing now. Taking it as a good sign, he started back down the beach with his younger assistant in tow. They walked together again down the beach, wondering about the true power of what they were getting themselves into.


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508 Reviews


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:18 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



First review of my first Review Day ever! Congratulations!
Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:
"It was pretty low, he thought, to be cast so little mind of his last rights and address, but he couldn’t do anything about it now." This sentence reads really awkwardly after "he thought..." What exactly are you trying to say? Perhaps a rewording or breaking into smaller sentences would be helpful.

"Wanting to know, what it was, he opened his eyes the tiniest slits." Delete the comma after "know" and this flows a lot better.

"At first, this showed nothing, until his mind vaguely recognized something different about the water." If you rewrote "At first, this showed nothing" to "At first, he saw nothing" it feels a lot better.

"The distant darkness that surrounded him seemed to stretch of miles in any direction...", your "of" should be "for".

"The man that had accompanied her knelt down as well and aided Kierra in pulling the young man out of the sand." You just gave us a name. Now is a perfect time to start using it. You can cut "The man that had accompanied her" and replace it with "Diedre". Sweet, short, to the point, and lets readers start identifying with him, instead of leaving him as a nameless person with a name. Sort of.

"...but she still recognized the edged of his coat and the front of his shirt.", your "edged" should be "edges".

Content:
I liked where this was going. You left a lot of questions to be answered about the two that found the guy from the first section (if that's him, which I'm really sure it is), and the other three people the pair rescued. It also leaves us with the question of why was the guy thrown into the ocean in the first place? Good job.

Hope this helps!




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:15 am
kingofwernogs wrote a review...



Wow! This sounds exciting! Pleasepleaseplease keep writing! I am literally tensed up because of the suspense. I really like how you switched characters smoothly. To make your story even better, however, I do need to point out some errors. First off, you say "in depth-" but probably mean "in-depth". I would suggest that you change the detail of "looks like something swallowed him" because I'm not sure anyone would think of that when they first see someone covered in slime. Thats about it. Good job!




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:15 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Knight Malachi here for KotGR and Review Day!

I will put any problem i see here, and then put a summary at the end.

1.So, the beginning grabs the reader's attention instantly, making me want to know how will the person escape.
2.He couldn’t tell if he was descending any longer, but he wasn’t sure he could honestly care either.Wanting to know, what it was,
you need a space after the period. And your first comma in sentence two needs to be deleted.
3.At first, this showed nothing,
you need to delete the first comma here.
4.and nothing to eat them, they were so large.
You need to change the comma to a semicolon.
5.he felt that he might snap like a twig.His eyes snapped open
Another period needing spacing.


Alright, there were a few more comma mess-ups, but for the most part not bad. If you fix those few small things I showed you, then it should be pretty good. you did a good job of description, although I could use a little more of Diedre and Kierra.
The story seems pretty interesting so far.

finished review #1 for Review day. !!!!




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:13 am
wonderland wrote a review...



Hey, Silver! I'm wonderland and I have the pleasure of doing a review!

Alright, so, right off the bat, woah. Solid! You've totally wrapped me in! I'm hooked. I really enjoy how you've put the reader directly in the middle of the action, and your language is lovely. You, do, however, have a few minor grammar mistakes, like missing commas and some of your wording is awkward
Examples

Soon the only thing his eyes could see in any direction was the deep blue surroundings, like floating in fog.

comma after the 'Soon'
and
But it continued to get darker, and eventually he realized that whatever this massive shadow was, it had a shape.
Actually, here you can remove the But, or blend it with the sentence before.. But is actually a conjunction and made to connect two sentences. If you start a sentence with it, you create a fragment.
I also feel as if you lose the description you had after the break you put in. Try to put us back into the characters eyes. Give us exactly what the characters feel!
You have a great beginning, though! Please, keep working
~wonderland





I feel like it will be absolute hotdog water, but oh well. It's just a draft.
— Charm