(Yes it's short but it's sort of just the intro. The next chapter is a lot longer.)
Chapter 1
There is never a dull day. Not a day I’ve seen. No matter how much we wish, our prayers are never answered. The most we can hope for is that whatever comes today, we can handle.
“Hope!”
I looked up from where I sat. The woman that came up to me kept her silver hair pulled back in a tie of twine and her sharp blue eyes uncovered. Folded on her back were two large wings. They were sturdy, thick, wide, and dappled with darker patches amidst the sea of shimmering metallic gray. They were the wings of the Silver Gyrfalcon. That was what they called her now- whether it was her real name or not, it was how she was known; Silver, the ‘leader’ of the Avians.
Of course, the only people who thought there were groups out here were the people who put us out here in the first place. The ones who gave Silver wings, and the ones who gave me the brown ones I sport of the Peregrine Falcon. They think we banded together and tried to reform civilization or something in the middle of the forest. I almost wanted to laugh as I thought about it- they didn’t know how wrong they were.
Her arms folded over his chest, Silver smiled at me. “You feeling fresh today?”
“I guess.” I smiled back. It was one of those days where the weather was so perfect you just wanted to sit around all day and enjoy it. Obviously Silver had a different plan, though.
“Great. I want you to take a few others and patrol around. My feathers are tingling. There’s someone in our forest.” Her voice was measured, mischievous.
“Yeah, I can do that.” I assured her.
“Thanks. You know the drill. And if you find anything interesting, I’m sure I’d love to hear about it.” Silver told me and moved off. She seemed strangely cheery today… I wondered if I should be worried.
Either way, I made my way into the trees. If anyone around here was gonna be willing for me to drag them around for a little while, they’d be up here.
Soon enough I found two to round up- A few guys that weren’t doing anything. Zane, with the genetics of a barn owl, refused to wake up until I pushed him out of the tree. I wasn’t worried about hurting him- he was sleeping on a low branch, and we were sturdier that regular people- but it was enough to wake him up and get him incredibly disgruntled.
“What did’ja do that for?” He grumbled. “I’m tired!”
“I know a barn owl is a nocturnal creature,” I landed beside him chuckling, “but you still need your daily ounce of sunlight. You can take a nap later.”
His companion snickered from where he sat, up higher. He was lanky, thin, small but not short. His wings matched, I couldn’t see them from where I stood but I knew they were there- a vibrant green that shimmered in the sun. His hair was the light, iridescent shade of reds and blues that belonged to the Ruby-Throated hummingbird he resembled now more than ever.
“You too, Zips.” I waved him down.
“Alright!” He slid off the branch and landed, his knees almost touching the ground before he stood up again. “Where are we going?”
“Out. Today we’re going hunting. Hunting for hunters.” I smiled at the thought. It was one of those small smiles, more of a smirk. I think Silver was rubbing off on me. Or maybe it was just one of those days.
End of chapter
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I enjoyed it...It was a good chapter.
"There is never a dull day. Not a day I’ve seen. No matter how much we wish, our prayers are never answered. The most we can hope for is that whatever comes today, we can handle." The beginning was interesting, but choppy. It should flow a little more.
"If anyone around here was gonna be willing for me to drag them around for a little while, they’d be up here." the "gonna" really threw me off. I had to re-read this sentence. There's nothing wrong with some "bad grammar" in dialogue, but in regular narrating, you should just use standard grammar.
"Soon enough I found two to round up- A few guys that weren’t doing anything." I felt that this sentence was a little awkward. This should be re-worded.
"Zane, with the genetics of a barn owl, refused to wake up until I pushed him out of the tree. I wasn’t worried about hurting him- he was sleeping on a low branch, and we were sturdier that regular people- but it was enough to wake him up and get him incredibly disgruntled." I felt that this was a little awkward too. Just stick to using sentences, instead of "-". It makes it harder to follow the words.
I loved the ending and the personalities that you gave your characters. I got a distinct "feel" for each person. I would have preferred a little action, but a very good chapter. I enjoyed the descriptions.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider
Great job on this! I shall start my review with compliments! First off I love it and its a great idea! Second, the best thing about this is the details. Omigosh there are so many details I'm going to cry. And that's good for your information, details give the reader and idea of how things look. From your details they look amazing and kind of pretty because of the way you say the colors. I always wanted to be able to write details like this and this may help me a bit because it's a great example.
Now some corrections, "There is never a dull day. Not a day I’ve seen. No matter how much we wish, our prayers are never answered." <------Try to connect these sentences. It doesn't flow well.
"His companion snickered from where he sat, up higher." <---- I don't know now but for some reason this doesn't seem right to me. What bothers me is that I don't know how to fix it but maybe you can. Maybe you can say, "His companion snickered from where he sat which was much higher." I don't know maybe you can use that.
Overall it was great and I can't wait to read more!
Crazy here with reviews for the Tyrants~!
"They were sturdy, thick, wide, and dappled with darker patches amidst the sea of shimmering metallic gray."
- There wouldn't be a coma after wide here.
"Her arms folded over his chest, Silver smiled at me."
- I laughed when I saw this. It would be 'her' and not 'his' here, and there would be an 'and' before Silver.
"His wings matched, I couldn’t see them from where I stood but I knew they were there- a vibrant green that shimmered in the sun."
- This sentence needs to be rewritten. Its all awkward; like middle school. But if you were to still use this sentence there would be this ';' instead of a coma after 'matched'. Also, I don't know what you mean by his wings matching.
Overall Review: Not bad. I would suggest that for the first paragraph you add more glitter words, like you did when you were describing Zips. Describe how the woods look, add some of the protagonists 'thoughts, and blah blah etc.
The idea is interesting, but the execution is lacking. Needs less description, more action. For example:
These sound like standard, garden-variety wings. If you specify that they're wings made of flames, your readers are going to see wings of flames. If you just say wings, they're gonna see bird wings. That description sounds like bird wings already, so it's not needed. If you must specify that they shimmered metallic gray, there are more interesting ways to write that than just dully describing it. Show the glimmering of the sun on their feathers; watch the fearful reflection of the prey in their polished metal.
Hummingbird. Got it. That's all that was required. It's a humming-bird-man. Humming-man. Either way, I get it.
Description is not what pulls the reader in. Action, movement of the plot does. Your novel is the ship, your description is the open water, and plot is the wind. The first needs the second to get anywhere, but the third will actually get it to where it's going. If there isn't much movement, I don't find myself hooked, I don't turn the page.
Do tell. Should "you" [Hope] be worried? Why? What happens when someone goes on patrol and things go awry? What's wrong with the fact that she's cheery? Is she not normally cheery? Is she depressed? Did her bird-husband die? Does she have a small child she must take care of? Is her cheerfulness strange because that must mean that she's given up on life? In other words, why do I care?
This is the first chapter. It must hook me in the plot, the characters, and the setting. I like the setting, genetically modified bird-people seem like an interesting idea to play with. But I don't even remotely know the characters or care what happens to them. One out of three is better than some, but could still be very much better.
Your humming-man,
cC