Hola! I might as well review this too right?
ohmygosh my eyes! Girl look at that formatting! You can fix that, I know you can. So I'm going to ignore it.
minds of steel
I liked this line a lot, but I wasn't sure what you meant by this part. Is this supposed to mean they are strong willed and tough? Maybe steel isn't the best word, unless you could clarify for me.
They haven't a moment to rest.
Back to the syllable thing, not as important here, but this line is too short. Give it some meat. Why can't they rest? What's it like not being able to have a break? Describe how that feels for them.
the weight of their responsibility
This line felt a smidge long. But the reason I quoted this part was because they're children right? Well I don't think most children would realize the responsibility it actually is. They'd see it as a burden and maybe do it for their families but I don't think a child's brain can comprehend the magnitude of such a situation, which you point out by mentioning their ignorance next. Anyway I'd say take out the responsibility part and just say something like "the weight of it all" or "the weight of the work" something more general and all encompassing.
Why you stop the rhyming? nnnoooo, you keep the rhyming.
Period.
This poem needs a little work. It just ends and that's sort of it, there's no big impact, and it felt abrupt. As always, you have something good going here but it's more of a work in progress. I want to know more about the struggle of child labor, especially from the innocence of the child's eyes because that's a unique perspective and creates such a great contrast, it's almost like an oxymoron pitting innocence of children against the harshness of labor in the real world they aren't prepared for. Show more of the unfair terms and treatment, the dangers of their jobs. You've got something going here, make it strong.
Love forever
Change.
Team Rouge.
Points: 9790
Reviews: 115
Donate