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Introduction: Shinobu Mendoza

by santana

My first memories were of an orphanage in Nasinu, Valkresys, a city hidden within a city called Tsung Tsu, but I was born in Crystal City, Northern Province, Syri. I spent some of the days watching the other kids leave with their new parents. Most of the days were spent staring at what laid outside the small cities.

My dreams of being adopted were never fulfilled, but that doesn't mean I never left the orphanage. I was taken away by a man named Gabriel. It turns out that he was sent to recruit me into the Heavenly Forces. I met my friends-Enoch Nobuyashi; son of Cain, Lucifel Kyshimoto; fourth son of Satan, and Armaros; a sweet yet mysterious Semoran who had seen no justice in Old Gaia-in Second Heaven. They had also been chosen as warriors in the Forces.

I went through my training thinking all of my problems were dissolved, blind to the true reason why we were training.

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Points: 1080
Reviews: 4

Tue Sep 24, 2013 8:12 pm
DemonHunterSociety wrote a review...

LouisCypher pretty much summed up my feelings for you story. The way you write isn't bad, although I think you meant to but "the true" instead of "thetru", everything else is ok. I don't think your story needs a prologue, just start from chapter one and work from there. Another thing that bothered me was the ending to your prologue,

the "all hell broke loose" part shouldn't be there at all. Don't tell us that, let us discover that for ourselves. I'm curious to see where there story will go, just work on what everyone else is pointing out to you and you'll do fine.

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289 Reviews

Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

Tue Sep 24, 2013 5:15 pm
Caesar wrote a review...

Hi there santana! I am Louis and I will be reviewing this introduction.

Let us first reflect upon prologues, or introductions, in general. I invite you to read this reply by Rosey Unicorn concerning prologues. She (of course) makes very valid points. Compare the points she made to your prologue, and the first glaring problem appears. This novel could very well do without it! Indeed, I think it would be far more interesting if you skipped directly to all the hells breaking loose, if you threw me right into the action, rather than telling me. By telling me, you automatically lose the important factor that is surprise. While I am certainly curious to see what comes next, I would have rather liked to see what comes next now, if I am making sense. I would, to give the first example that pops into my mind, much rather want to assist a conversation between your character and the fourth son of Lucifer, rather than telling me a fourth son of Lucifer exists in this novel.

I don't feel like commentating on the rest of the prologue, because I think you should really just take it out and write a first chapter. Your grammar seems to be fairly good though, except for this tiny thing which made me giggle:

thetru reason why


Anyway, that's that! This has definitely got potential as a story, I'm interested in reading what comes next, but this prologue is quite useless. Cheers and good luck!

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11 Reviews

Points: 1066
Reviews: 11

Tue Sep 24, 2013 3:44 pm
Johann wrote a review...

Hello Santana, I've read your introduction and I find the idea very interesting and I think it could develope into a very interesting story. I do have some objections, more like some pieces of advice actually.

First of all I must draw your attention to a little typing error you've made in the third paragraph. "thetru" nothing really important just wanted you to know.

Now to get to my main problem with your story. I think you should rethink the names you've given throughout the story and syncronize them. For example you used the names "Nasinu, Valkresys" which are certainly fantasy names maybe with some celtic / nordic influence. But then you revealed that the larger city is called Tsung Tsu which is almost 100% Chinese. Also your protagonist "Shinobu Mendoza" (I presume he is your protagonist) is a combination of a japanese and spanish names. It doesn't really sound good to me because it kills the credibility of your story. Even if your story is pure fantasy, which I presume it is, you still have to stay in touch with the reality a bit otherwise your readers won't be able to connect with the characters and plot.

You then used more japanese names and considering that they are a majority I think you should focus on them and change the names of different origin.

Also you must understand that you are getting into a very difficult point because even if the Japanese people created a lot of mangas and anime with christian themes, they as a people don't have anything to do with Christianity. Instead of going with the Japanese though I would go with the Chinese because they have something to do with the Seal of Heaven in their own culture so it might win you some credibility points.

One more thing I want to say, actually two :) but they are small things. First you will have to explain the whole structure of Heaven and Hell because to me it's very confusing. And second try not to get into that cliche where angles and demons fight each other and the Earth is on the line.

Well, that's all I have to say and by the way I love that fact that you made you story to look like a diary :) keep up the good work.

If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman