z

Young Writers Society


12+

Detachment

by Dreamery


He stepped into the monochrome chamber, and as the doors behind him slid shut, he removed his helmet. The room had no windows, so the only source of light was from the artificially white bulbs around him. Even if there were windows, there wouldn’t be much to see outside. Space doesn’t get much more interesting than dotted specks against a black backdrop. In the very center of the room, against the wall, was a small computer whose screen was holographic, as was its hardware. It was encased in a white material, camouflaging it with the walls.

He ripped the patch that identified him off of his suit, and placed it with his helmet on the frame of the computer. Professor Luke Browning, 112-335-125, his patch read.

Tapping a few buttons on the holographic keyboard, a blue interface slid into view. It was a readout of all of the ship’s main components, and their status. Everything seemed to be in order. The engines were still functioning, as were the coolant tubes and everything else. Living up here was hell. A sleek, monochrome, repetitive hell. He couldn’t stand much more of this. On more than one occasion, he considered taking his own life. It would be something different than everyday procedure, of course.

There was something that restrained him from his already-made decision, however. Browning drew a folded photograph from his suit’s pocket. Unfolding it slowly, he revealed two smiling, delighted female faces; one with blue eyes, and the other with hazel. They had the same red color to their hair, which only added to the nostalgic and longing mood. Every month, he would call and let them know that he was alright. And every two years, he would fly back down to Earth to see them. Those were the things that not only let him sleep well, but caused him to lay awake at night.

He thought of their- Boom! The sound of an explosion rattled the ship. Looking up from the photograph, he saw the blue interface was steadily blinking a shade of red. Engines-30%, the screen read. The chamber Browning was in was attached to the main engine. The ship had secondary engines, but that would mean…

Browning placed a call to the headquarters of NASA. After a moment of buzzing, the feed became clear, and a station operator could be heard at the other end.

“Identification number,” the operator commanded him to give.

“One one two, three three five, one two five.”

The pit-pat of fingers tapping against an actual keyboard could be heard at the other end. “Yes, Professor Browning?” the operator finally responded.

“The engine has suffered a blow which has depleted its energy to thirty percent.” The number was descending quickly. “And counting down. Plan of action?”

“See if the repair bots can mend the engines.”

Browning tapped some buttons on the holographic keyboard, and a green interface slid in. It had a basic outline of the ship, with the engine compartment on it blinking red. Nearby, there were small dots. With his finger, he dragged the dots across the screen to the engine.

Operation failed.

Again.

Operation failed.

“Negatory, command.” Browning tensed up. What could he do now? He started sweating nervously, trembling as he was. He paced the floor until the operator responded, knocking his helmet to the floor in the process, shattering the glass. He lifted the helmet to level with his eyes in sheer terror.

“Browning,” the operator asked. “Are you still there?”

“Yes… I’m here.”

“What are the oxygen levels in your compartment?” He slid his finger from the edge of the green interface, until a purple one appeared. Oxygen Levels: 50%

“Fifty percent.” He read it again. Oxygen Levels: 48% “And dropping.”

“There should be a panel to your right. Open it, and see if you can direct the engine levels to your oxygen reserve.” And risk killing the other crew members? He couldn’t. “You’re an important asset, Professor. Your knowledge is what got you up there. Redirect the engine’s power, and remain on the call. I repeat, rema-.” The transmission faded to nothing but static as the Professor ended the radio frequency. He punched in a phone number, and waited as the buzzing slowly faded into a familiar voice.

“Honey? Is that you?” asked a female voice on the end.

“Yes, it’s me, Irene,” responded Browning.

“This isn’t your time of the month to place a call! Did they let you have more than a day a month?”

“No, no… That’s not it.” His voice cracked as he attempted to find a way to tell her. Tears came to his eyes and dropped to the floor below him.

Silence for a moment. “Is there something wrong…?”

Oxygen Levels: 23%

“Yes… There’s something wrong. The engines are giving out. Command wants me to redirect their power to the oxygen reserves in here.”

“Listen to them!”

“You don’t understand, Irene. That would mean the death of the entire crew!”

“But what about our daughter?”

“What about our daughter? She barely knows me. To her, I’m the man that visits her twice a year because he only cares that much.”

Oxygen Levels: 15%

“That’s not true! She loves you.”

“She loves me? She doesn’t even know me! I’ve been up here longer than I’ve been down there with her. Look… I have to save the rest of them.”

Soft sobbing could be heard from the other end. “Even if you don’t think she loves you, I still do.”

“I know you do. I love you too. But this is a life or death situation, which could cost the lives of so many. Do you want forty three people to die to save a single man?”

“If that man means more to me than forty three people, yes…”

“It’s my duty to save these people. Goodbye, Irene."

“Luke… Don’t go!” Oxygen Levels: 3%

“I’m sorry… I love you…”

“No-!” He cut her off as he ended the call. He opened the panel that was to the right of him, and revealed a large, red button. He thought about it for a moment, his hand hovering over the button. Oxygen Levels: 2% Yes. He had to. He couldn’t ignore it… Or could he…?

“Data chamber decompression initiated. Detaching chamber in three… two… one.” Silence. “Detachment complete.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 1662
Reviews: 18

Donate
Wed Sep 25, 2013 4:31 am
Morkish wrote a review...



It truly has an emotional attachment, and I could place myself in his shoes. However, I would like to point out that a little more background information wouldn't hurt. Especially towards the end. I couldn't really feel the emotion coming from Luke or his wife during their dialogue. Clearly, he was sad and frightened, but I didn't quite feel it enough. Also, placing the "this is the characters name" sentence within a better context would have been good.

As for suspense, I give it a great job! Adding the "oxygen levels..." really made me feel it. The ending gave me goose bumps. Keep it up and thank you!




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 700
Reviews: 38

Donate

User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 841
Reviews: 13

Donate
Tue Sep 24, 2013 2:35 am
View Likes
IntellectualBacon wrote a review...



I'm normally/usually/mostly not at all a fan of science fiction. But you, good sire, have changed that... somewhat.
Firstly, I'm not sure if it was just me, but in: "In the very center of the room, against the wall, was a small computer whose screen was holographic, as was its hardware.", I found your usage of "whose" with the computer screen a bit odd. I don't know why I feel this way, but I think it's because that "whose" there is typically used with humans, and it made me stop and reread. Maybe it's just me.
Next, I do realize that Browning has really nothing to live for but Irene and his daughter, but I find his usage of time a bit weird. If I were in his position, I think I'd be more professional and spend a little more time trying to see if there was anything else I could do before the phone call home.

Really, these are minor compared to all your lovely detailings. Loved the story, dd. Keep it up!

-Bacon




User avatar
166 Reviews


Points: 1135
Reviews: 166

Donate
Tue Sep 24, 2013 2:15 am
View Likes
Cheetah says...



Wow! That was really good! I liked the technique you used by saying the oxygen's level decreasing, it gave me a wider perspective and added suspense. I also liked how he communicated with Irene and how she communicated with him.

One of the things I would change, though, is how often you use the word "he". Using "Luke" once in a while would be nice, unless that's part of how you express the identity of the character, in which case, leave it how it is.

Great work! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!




Dreamery says...


Oh, it's simply his identity.



Cheetah says...


Alright! :)



User avatar
187 Reviews


Points: 13001
Reviews: 187

Donate
Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:26 am
View Likes
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Very nice!! I really like the description of everything in the story. It flows well, and is short and simple. However, I would like a little more background information. Why does he live in space? Who were the other people with him, and why would what he was commanded to do kill them? Also, why is he such an important asset? Other than that, this is a great story!! Good job, and keep writing!!




User avatar
508 Reviews


Points: 11370
Reviews: 508

Donate
Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:26 am
View Likes
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

All right, technical first.
This is the first time I've ever used a quote to talk about something other than the quote itself. "Even if there were windows, there wouldn’t be much to see outside. Space doesn’t get much more interesting than dotted specks against a black backdrop." These are the only two lines in the opening paragraph that didn't feel too long. I felt like your opening line was long, and that it should have been broken up into two sentences. The other sentences felt too wordy, like they could have been worded differently. I don't know why, but that's just how it struck me.

"He ripped the patch that identified him off of his suit, and placed it with his helmet on the frame of the computer. Professor Luke Browning, 112-335-125, his patch read." The stopping and going back to describe the patch just jerked me when I was reading this. I think you should find a different way to introduce his name, or tie the badge label immediately after the 'patch part' of the first sentence. The return to it here just threw me off and was like "Ope, that's the author trying to subtly tell us the MC's name."

You could have seriously introduced his name when he logged on to his computer. That would have fit so well.

"let them know that he was alright.", the "alright" should be "all right."

Question: why does an intelligent scientist have to "phone home" to figure out what to do in this situation? He would have been already trained on what to do in case of an emergency. The contact to NASA is unnecessary.

...

Now, that's all the stuff that needs to be fixed. On to the good.
I liked how you had the emotional aspect, and the guy's decision-making process felt real. And I only point out all the flaws and minor things to helps strengthen a good piece to great.
Hope this helps!




User avatar
663 Reviews


Points: 11295
Reviews: 663

Donate
Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:14 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Here to review for KotGR.
This was a very nice short story. It had a lot of emotion, and for your age it was very excellently written. I thought you did a good job of describing enough of the shuttle for everyone to know what is going on, but not too much to bore the reader.
I didn't really see any mistakes, but I'm not too good as seeing those, so I'll leave it up to other reviewers. for your age this was very very good, and I look forward to see you get better.

Side note: There will some reviewers who seem harsh and point out a lot of mistakes. Try to learn from those and not be discouraged. Th reviews you receive will be for your benefit.
Keep it up!





If I were a girl in a book, this would all be so easy.
— Jo March