z

Young Writers Society



of flesh and blood -

by starlitskies


Echoes of dripping liquid sound
against the cool, thick cement floor.
It muffles every step you take —
and almost every scream.

Taste the fumes of fuel and steam,
the smell of revolutionary ecstasy.
Machines more efficient than before,
more than you — a human — are.

Rotting flesh on aching bones,
caged inside a living tomb.
An expiration on your beating heart,
and elastic skin — so easily torn.

Anesthetic beginning to take its toll
as weakness-ridden scarlet pours.
Instruments of chilled unfeeling
probe against the chest, still breathing—

Mechanical perfection achieved at the price
of a short-lived, trivial human life.
You live still, though it's hard to say
whether or not you died that day.

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74 Reviews

Points: 1117
Reviews: 74

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Sun Sep 22, 2013 6:02 pm
HaleyPenguin wrote a review...



This is very original!
I love the style you used and the topic you chose.
The imagery was AMAZING! It really seemed like a movie was going on in my head!
You did very well on this, you should be proud!

"Taste the fumes of fuel and steam,
the smell of revolutionary ecstasy.
Machines more efficient than before,
more than you — a human — are."

This was my favorite part of the poem. I love the way it flows. And the imagery in this part is outstanding! This is one of those poems I could constantly read and never be tired of.

Keep up the amazing work. I can't wait to see more from you. :)




starlitskies says...


Thank you so much for the review! It really means a lot to me. ^^ Imagery has always been something I've struggled with, so that is lovely to hear. Thanks for your time!



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61 Reviews

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Reviews: 61

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Sat Sep 21, 2013 3:39 pm
rainbowcabbit wrote a review...



That poem was amazing! I really love the ending because you made the perfect twist of suspense and irony. The imagery is amazing as I can totally see how the scene goes. The second person point of view really helped me see what is going on and made the scene more painful and gory. It's really original and it's almost impossible to find a poem of such plot. There is really nothing to critique here. Keep up the good work! :D




starlitskies says...


Thank you so much for the review! ^;^ It means so much to hear, I really appreciate your feedback.



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109 Reviews

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Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:18 pm
ajruby12 wrote a review...



Hey, ajruby12 here!
Wow.. This is definitely different from most poems that I've seen.. But a very good job on imagery and putting the reader into your thoughts. The only thing that bothers me is the captilization.. And also the fact that there is no rhyme, which is not bad at all, but it's not my favorite type of poem. But a very nice job on it!

-Squire Ariana (The Silver Lady)




starlitskies says...


Thank you very much for your review. ^^ I have been working on imagery so I'm extremely thankful for your feedback.



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Fri Sep 20, 2013 5:52 pm
SweetNothing wrote a review...



Wow! I really like this, but not in a sadistic way, LOL. I like all of the imagery you've used in this. I fell like I'm really there. :) It would probably be better if you used capitalization or else it looks, in other words, not so neat as it could. But other than I really liked it and I look forward to finding some more of your stuff. :)




starlitskies says...


Why thank you for the review and compliments. ^^ That is an endless debate for me, as I personally lean towards no capitalization while other people prefer it, haha. I'll take another look at the capitalized version and see if it grows on me.



SweetNothing says...


LOL




Remember: no stress allowed. Have fun, and learn from your fellow writers - that's what storybooks are all about.
— Wolfical