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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Behavior Problems (The Bad Child Ep. 1)

by Paracosm


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The flames danced around the house, roaring hungrily. The white paint peeled away from the heat. Billows of black smoke poured out of the window. Two boys stood and watched the spectacle from across the street, as sirens wailed and firefighters did their best to stop the blaze.

"They won't be able to put it out." The smallest boy said. He had long, unruly black hair and ruddy cheeks, the rest of his face was pale. "I made sure of that. This house is going to burn, and you'll be in trouble."

The taller of the two boys glared down at the smallest. He was sixteen years old. "Shut up, you little shit. I don't care if I get in trouble as long as I never have to see you again. My mom is going to do her absolute best to have you and your mother tossed into a mental institution!"

"You should probably just stay away from me."

"God, I wish you'd told me that earlier.

A blue Sedan screeched to a halt in the middle of the road. A woman in a red pants suit rushed out of her car. "Oh, Rylan, are you hurt?" The dark haired boy ran to his mother. They were nearly mirror images, from the head to the toes. "Please don't tell me you're hurt.. .what happened?"

"He did it! The baby sitter did it. He was smoking and he fell asleep on the couch and he nearly made us die and you should make him go away forever!" Rylan took a deep breath. "And I love you and I'm glad we didn't die."

"Oh honey, no one's going to die." His mother glared at the babysitter. "Come here, you monster."

"That little turd is lying! I didn't do this, he did!"

"Lies! Rylan is a little angel. He would never do such a thing. Let me smell your breath." She grabbed him sharply by the chin and pulled him close. The young man clenched his mouth shut tight. "Go on, let me smell."

"No way!"

"Aha! It does smell like cigarettes. Oh you can just bet that the police will be hearing about this."

"I don't smoke and I never have."

"Mommy, look what else." Rylan pulled up his sleeve to reveal small red dots on his arm.

"Are those cigarette burns? My God, what is wrong with you? Get out of my sight."

"That's it, I'm out of here. You people can burn." The boy walked to his truck and cranked it up. He had already given his statement to the police. He'd called that little shit a little shit. Now he could peel out without feeling an ounce of remorse.

Rylan tugged on his mothers sleeve. "Yes, little angel?"

"Are we moving again?"

"Yes, I'm afraid we are."

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332 Reviews

Points: 10657
Reviews: 332

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Fri Sep 20, 2013 11:35 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



I like this, its well written and easy to read because of how well it flows.

One thing I feel is that you didn't capture the mothers horrified and appalled emotions in full. I feel like when I was reading it she just spoke in a casual tone and was hardly angry at all and rather dismissive and not really caring about what just happened. I think this might be because between speech you have no indication of how she says it or what her expression is when she does. This leaves me with a very flat image. The only description you have of the mothers reaction is

His mother glared at the babysitter.
which to me isn't much within itself. A glare can range from anything, the house is on fire, I think she would have more than a glare to say about this.
The mother also sounds very chill in the fact that she uses "Lies!" which is more of a silly exclamation rather than an accusation. This gives the impression that she really doesn't care about the house and almost wanted it to burn down and tat she sin't really angry with the boy. Was this your intention? Will the story reveal more twisted motives from this mother?

I really liked the beginning because it was well rounded and gave the reader a nice image but as soon as it it got into the large dialogue bit as I mentioned before it lost it. I feel that you need to extend it and craft it out a bit more in that section rather than just having the talking heads.

Also why is this listed as other? How is it not chapters or a short story that has several parts to it?
I like it, I am really eager to read the next part.




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508 Reviews

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Fri Sep 20, 2013 4:24 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review.

The only major technical thing I found was this: "The taller of the two boys glared down at the smallest. He was sixteen years old." Now, from the context of the whole story, I'd assume this was the taller of the two. But when I first read this, it struck me as a bit ambiguous; that sentence could have been about either boy. Could. So if you're talking about the taller (and by the way I'd call him a teen if he was sixteen, so he doesn't come across as a child), I'd say something like "the babysitter" just to distinguish, and to introduce the concept of the babysitter-babysat relationship.
Otherwise there's just too little here for me to point out any major plot issues.

Hope this helps!





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