z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fluke Kingdom

by dragonfphoenix


Well, the worst we can do is sit here and play.” the boy said to the girl, shrugging his shoulders. “Do you have any ideas?”

“No, not really.” the girl replied. “But then again, something will happen. It always does.”

“We could always fight the author.” Nisei, the boy, said, smiling as he glanced up at me.

“That’d be dumb.” Fiera, the girl said, playfully shoving him. “Only Sages and Viewers can fight with the Author. And only the Admitted can get into the Second World. So unless he lets us in, we’re stuck as Third Worlders”

“Well, I’m getting out.” Nisei said, reaching for the page. I simply tapped his hands away from the paper, keeping him in the Third World. “Hey, that’s not fair!” he yelled at me, shaking a fist in defiance.

“You are here for my entertainment.” I told him. “I have little else to do, and as a Viewer, I can control your life and death.”

“Only by keeping us in your imagination.” Fiera said. “You can’t really control where the story goes. That’s up to us.”

“Well, I’m open to ideas.” I said. “I can’t think of anything to do, and you two are a little outside of my normal travels. I typically keep First Person out of my writings.”

“Fine, why don’t you give us a tour of First World?” Nisei asked.

“You know I can’t do that: you’d have to be First Worlders to see it, and the closest I can get you is Second World, but that can’t really happen in this context, since writing is the osmosis of Second World ideas into Third World format. So you stuck where you are right now.”

“That’s just great.” Nisei said. “You could do a little developing of our characters.”

“I’m not sure how long the inspiration will last. Right now I’m writing off my Net surfing bleed-throughs.”

“You could go read your book.” Fiera said. “Or you could give me a good wardrobe.”

“Or send us into one of your ready-mades.” Nisei added.

“And I kind of want to know what I can do.” Fiera said. “It’s boring being just a dialogue.”

“Fine, I’ll experiment.” I said, reaching down and picking up Fiera. “FIERA: long, flowing, silky hair. What color?”

“Black.” she said, flicking her hair off her shoulder with her hand.

“For now.” I said, glancing at it. “You look young. How old are you?”

“Don’t you know better than to ask a girl that?” Fiera asked.

“Well then I’ll tell you…” I began, and she glared at me angrily.

“Fine, I’m in my late teens. Late, late teens.” she said.

“All right, probable age eighteen to nineteen.” I replied, smiling. “Eye color?”

“I like purple.” she said.

I laughed. “Well, you may like purple, but you’re starting to turn into a meld of Eclipse and either Lavender’s elven form or perhaps Dark Lin, though I’d have to check her JPEG. But I think her eyes were a dark purple. So to keep you original, I’d have to keep you from having green, and purple, and perhaps all the other colors I can thin of. What do you think of pale silver?”

“You’re hysterical.” Fiera said. “And no, you’re not doing any references to my name with my eye color.”

“Oh? Why not?” I asked. “The last time I checked, I’m the one hitting the keys.”

“And the last time I checked, any little nugget of an idea can grow out of your control, and eventually you’ll end up using us.” Fiera replied defiantly. “So I suggest you let me have what I want if you want to go to sleep tonight.”

“You don’t control the Writing Fairy.” I stated, smiling.

“Well you’d better think of something, or else I get purple.” she said, folding her arms across her chest.

“What if I give you purple skin?” I teased.

“Absolutely not!” she exclaimed. “And can we please talk in the Present tense? It’ll make things flow faster. I hate having to wait for you to fix your Verb Tense.”

“Well, I like writing in the Past Tense.” I said. “I’m only struggling because the last book I completed was in the Present Tense and I haven’t transitioned with the current book I’m in, which is in the Past Tense, and not in the First Person, as it should be.”

“Well you’d better transition quickly, or I’m putting my foot down.” she said, stomping her foot for emphasis. “And quit fixing your Capitals on the pronouns. That’s really annoying me.”

“It’s annoying me more.” I replied. “I hate when Word capitalizes the pronouns when I say what a character’s just said.”

“Then ignore it.” she replied. “You’re probably not keeping this document anyway. Again with the Capitals!”

“Again Word capitalized it.” I said. “I’m trying my best.”

“Do you have an eye color?” she asked.

“Finally it worked that time; I didn’t have to correct it. Are you happy now?” I said.

“I would be if you’d quit stalling, although I realize you’re still trying to pick a color while I’m complaining at you.” Fiera said. “What now?”

“I have a headache.” I replied, rubbing my head. “I’ve been on for over an hour straight (not necessarily typing) and my head is killing me, especially considering I woke up two hours early this morning and didn’t sleep that well at all. So I’d like some sympathy for my predicament.”

“None given.” she scolded. “Quit fixing the Pronouns!”

“I’m not sure why it didn’t work this time.” I replied.

“Eye color!!!” she shouted.

“Fine!” I shouted back. “You get black.”

“Ugh! That’s ugly, worse than silver.” she said, sticking her tongue out in disgust. “And you’re still fixing the Pronouns.”

“Well, I can’t give you such a plain eye color as brown.” I said. “You need something a little more…exciting. Ah! Aquamarine.”

“That works, to an extent.” Fiera said. “Although I don’t like the hair with that color. Dark brown works better.”

“Dark brown it is.” I said, making the change. “Now, what else do you need? You’re about average height, perhaps five-foot-seven?”

“That works.” Fiera replied. “And now my dress. I want a long, flowing white dress, with a belt that matches my eyes.”

“It looks like a piece of ribbon to me, but I have no fashion sense, so we’ll just leave it as a belt.” I said, grinning at her disapproving frown. “And I can just see you as a barefoot sort of girl. Do you want a bit of a tan? Or do you like your light skin just the way it is?”

“I’m fine now.” Fiera said. “Don’t start baking me like a lobster.”

“All right.” I said.

“You’re ignoring me.” Nisei said, jumping up next to her.

“No, I’m not.” I replied, gently setting Fiera back onto the blank stage. “But I needed to focus on one character at a time.”

“Well, then deal with me.” Nisei said.

“I am, right now.” I said. “Let’s see, you’re name references the Lower Shou. And you seem to be a bit Gypsy or Rover to me.”

“I am, so give me my bronze skin already.” Nisei said.

“Done. Anything else?” I asked.

“Yes. I have brown hair and brown eyes.” Nisei said. “And I want to be tall and muscular.”

“I can do the looks, not the latter.” I said, wiping off the extra bulk and height he’d given himself.

“You’re letting him have his way a lot more than me.” Fiera said, glaring at me.

“You didn’t know what you wanted.” I replied. “And guys tend to care a lot less. He’s a bit stereotypical. I made you unique.”

“Fine.” Fiera said, sitting back down.

“Now, let’s see. A tunic and some shorts for you, perhaps light tan for the shirt and mud brown for the pants.” I said, attaching the clothes. “And a sword, medium length and grade, strapped across your back.”

“I want a weapon!” Fiera exclaimed, jumping up.

“A hidden dagger under the dress, around your waist.” I absently waived my hand, placating her. “But I know you’re not much of a fighter. You’ll stab them in the back when they’re not looking, but you won’t get into a fight. You’re not built for it. Now, back to Nisei.”

“I want my sword to burst into flames.” he said, drawing the blade.

“No.” I said firmly, putting his little toothpick (or at least that’s what it looks like to me) back in its sheath. “You have a normal weapon with no special abilities. You want to learn something relatively close to magic? Go talk to Hag or Incog. Oh wait, I forgot.” I said sarcastically. “I’m still confining you to your undefined world.”

“You’re thinking about putting us in Lanoche.” Fiera said, smiling mischievously.

“That world’s getting crowded.” I said, trying to hide my smile. Both of them saw it, though, so it didn’t matter.

“You’ve barely spent any time with it.” Fiera complained. “How many are there?”

“For starters, the key trio: Serna, Finch, and I think I settled on Mikah.” I said. “Then there’s Lord Tigernach and Serna’s mentor, whose name I don’t remember at this point. I’m also considering adding Yuri and Tsuke into it, and there was something else that I can’t remember right now. Oh, and Obsidian and Deron are going into it. Ah yes! I remember: Hasdrubal and Mago Barca. The generals. So let’s see; what else did I have?”

“Basically nothing.” Fiera said. “You have no good leader for the Rovers, and no real purpose for them except to be your Mongol hoard.”

“Fine, we’ll let Nisei be the villain Rover.” I teased.

“Hey! I’m one of the good guys.” Nisei objected.

“So you are.” I said. “But that would put you as more of a Gypsy, so you’re starting to cross over, if you were going to be a Lanochen in the first place. However, I haven’t defined either of you yet, which is kind of the point of this…”

“Experiment?” Fiera suggested.

“You could call it that.” I said. “Although I feel like you’re shifting a bit into my Dominant Female stereotype. Perhaps I should go back to the Net, or just reread what I’ve already written to find out where the shift occurred.”

“Or you can just keep typing.” Nisei suggested hopefully.

“No.” I said, scrolling up. “I’m done typing for now. You two can take a break. Besides, my eyes are starting to hurt.”

“Don’t leave us!” Nisei shouted, and Fiera elbowed him in the ribs.

“Oh, hush. You’ll be fine.” she said.

I scrolled back down. “Never mind; I checked: you’re pretty much unchanged, although you were already there, I guess. I just feel the need to bring in some more diversity to my Female Character Personalities. They’re all pretty much Warriors.”

“And that’s a bad thing?” Fiera asked.

“Only when there’s about thirty or so all in one room.” I replied.

“Oh, yuck. That’d be like all of us wearing the same dress.” she said.

“My point exactly. However, since you’ve already bent yourself that way, and this is just for fun, I’ll see where it goes. Perhaps I should see about trying to force a few in my non-dominant persona Types.”

“You are so not a Paladin.” Fiera said.

“I know that.” I replied. “Although I do have some Rogue.”


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1334 Reviews


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Thu Nov 07, 2013 3:22 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Okay! So here's the third review you were promised from your loyal company, the Knights of the Green Room. You know I worked through most of this as the longer piece you worked it out to, but you also told me it was originally intended as a stand-alone, and that's how it was submitted to the KotGR contest, so that's what I'm going to be mainly commenting on now.

One thing that doesn't work for this as a standalone story is the way that you don't take any care to explain the multitude of specific expressions that you do have the chance to expand upon with the longer version. Right now, the reader is hit with a lot of information up front, right from this paragraph:

“That’d be dumb.” Fiera, the girl said, playfully shoving him. “Only Sages and Viewers can fight with the Author. And only the Admitted can get into the Second World. So unless he lets us in, we’re stuck as Third Worlders”


And we don't really get to know what any of those terms mean, so it comes off as confusing and isolating to your readers rather than drawing them in to the awesome hierarchy that you explain much better in a non-fiction format that you posted at a different time.

Another thing that you had the tendency to do throughout this series was to make reference to things that were really personal to you, or that you understood only through the window of a different media item. For example, right at the end you mention the paladin/rogue thing. For me, that comes out of... what was it, Mass Effect? The way you could choose two different personality-type responses to different situations. But you throw that in there with absolutely no explanation and anyone who doesn't have that frame of reference has no idea if those are words of your own creation and philosophy or what!

I will say that the idea is awesome, and it has potential to be a cool stand-alone concept, but like any story it needs a story arc and some conflict. There's a little conflict in the idea of engaging the author, but not enough to be memorable.

I wouldn't give up on it!
Let me know if you have any questions or comments about my review, please!
Good luck, love! Keep writing and come back to us!




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Wed Oct 30, 2013 2:46 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Knight Pheonix! Nite here to get in a review for this interesting piece for the Knights of the Green Room Library (so we can find out who won yay!)

I find the concept intriguing, but a few parts remain confusing to me. What are these Third, Second, and First Worlds? My best guess is they're the different POVs, like 1st, 2nd, 3rd person? I guess this is adapted from a longer piece, so I imagine they're better explained there.

Also, who is the narrator? I assume from the way he's interacting with the characters that he's the author, but this sentence suggests otherwise.

“You are here for my entertainment.” I told him. “I have little else to do, and as a Viewer, I can control your life and death.”


What is a Viewer? Like a reader of the story? And if so, why does he have so much control over these characters?

“You have no good leader for the Rovers, and no real purpose for them except to be your Mongol hoard.”


Nit-pick: In this context, "hoard" should be "horde" (e.g here

Also, I think megsug has a lot of good points.

Overall, this is a neat concept. The characters are interesting. I'm guess the novel is sort of about the process of building a story? I don't read novels on here much, but I might have to check it out. Keep writing. :)




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Wed Oct 23, 2013 1:58 am
megsug wrote a review...



Hey~
A knight here to review this for you.
I'm rather intrigued with this concept. It seems silly that I was so surprised since this is basically the creative process with some dialogue thrown in, but I think this idea is pretty fantastic and really cute.

However, I have a few concerns...

I feel like a lot of this dialogue is useless. It's tiresome to read and doesn't really serve much of a purpose. This is the best example I could find:

“And can we please talk in the Present tense? It’ll make things flow faster. I hate having to wait for you to fix your Verb Tense.”
...
“Again Word capitalized it.” I said. “I’m trying my best.”

I mean, it doesn't push the plot forward. It doesn't serve as comedic relief. It doesn't help with character development, and it's really just confusing. It kind of comes off like you added it in there to boost your word count. I'd suggest reading through this, and really weighing what's necessary and what's not.



“Well, the worst we can do is sit here and play.” the boy said to the girl, shrugging his shoulders. “Do you have any ideas?”
...
“You know I can’t do that: you’d have to be First Worlders to see it, and the closest I can get you is Second World, but that can’t really happen in this context, since writing is the osmosis of Second World ideas into Third World format. So you stuck where you are right now.”

This beginning is basically just explaining your world in rather wooden dialogue, and I don't think that's the best move. This is where you're trying to hook the reader. This explanation with turn more people off than it will keep them in it.

“You don’t control the Writing Fairy.” I stated, smiling.

Wha...? What in the world is the Writing Fairy?

“FIERA: long, flowing, silky hair. What color?”

Since he's talking, FIERA is a bit out of place. It makes me read her name IN A SHOUTING VOICE.

“But I needed to focus on one character at a time.”


“You didn’t know what you wanted.”

I'm fairly sure she knew she wanted purple eyes...

“I’ve been on for over an hour straight (not necessarily typing) and my head is killing me, especially considering I woke up two hours early this morning and didn’t sleep that well at all. So I’d like some sympathy for my predicament.”

I've never seen parentheses in dialogue, and I'm not sure if you're still talking or if you're interjecting narrative into your dialogue...

“For starters, the key trio: Serna, Finch, and I think I settled on Mikah.” I said. “Then there’s Lord Tigernach and Serna’s mentor, whose name I don’t remember at this point. I’m also considering adding Yuri and Tsuke into it, and there was something else that I can’t remember right now. Oh, and Obsidian and Deron are going into it. Ah yes! I remember: Hasdrubal and Mago Barca. The generals. So let’s see; what else did I have?”

“Basically nothing.” Fiera said. “You have no good leader for the Rovers, and no real purpose for them except to be your Mongol hoard.”

All of this is really meaningless to the reader. They don't know who these people or groups are. They have no reason to care.

All of that said, your characters are really cute, and I love the creation process there. Quite charming really.
If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to hit up my wall or talk to me on chat.
Megs~




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Wed Oct 23, 2013 1:51 am
KnightTeen wrote a review...



I don't have to introduce myself to you, but this is one of three reviews that you will receive from one of your brothers (or sisters) in arms. In other words, this is one of the three you will receive from a fellow Knight.


I thought that this was brilliant. The content is wonderful, the dialogue is hilarious, and overall it has good grammar, good spelling, and is just a good read.

There was one little blip that I noticed, but this is more of a personal thing than an actual error.

“Well then I’ll tell you…” I began, and she glared at me angrily.


Now, sometimes, from my perspective when someone uses "and" in a sentence, that implies to me that whatever is occurring on each side of the "and" is happening at very nearly the same time.

She ran and listened to music

But then again it can be used to convey something that happens a period of time after the first part of the sentence.

He walked the four blocks to the deli and ordered a sub

I'm getting the feeling that this is happening at the same time, when it's not. There should be a pause between the dialogue and the glare. I think you should rewrite it into two separate sentences to give it that pause effect.
Eh, I'm probably making no sense here so I'll just shut up before I lose what little is left of my dignity.

KT




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 9:39 am
Renard wrote a review...



Okay. I'm going to be really picky here.
First of all: name your characters! 'the boy said to the girl.' You will NEVER see this in professional work and it doesn't work here either. It's annoying and shows ignorance towards the reader. Even more annoying is the fact that you DO name them, but the reader has to wait for the revelation.
Secondly: this piece is WAY too long to be regarded as a SHORT story. I think some serious editing is required here to make it more engaging for the reader. I liked the concept of the piece. But I would criticise that some of the dialogue is a bit... unnatural.

“You are so not a Paladin.” Fiera said.

“I know that.” I replied. “Although I do have some Rogue.”
WTF? This does not fit with the above line of:
“Oh, yuck. That’d be like all of us wearing the same dress.” she said.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on here? Sorry. Needs work.

Yours in ink

~Bloodink




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Mon Sep 16, 2013 10:25 pm
lostthoughts911 wrote a review...



I have already read the official first chapter of Kingdom of Boredom so this seems so wrong to me now. Now let's try to get you out of the green room! It's getting very full!

(Not really review, compare and contrast mostly)
In here Fiera seems like a stereotypical girl. Or going all Shaggy from Scooby Doo on us. Either way is weird.

In the other book wasn't she in her 20's? I might be remembering wrong.

Comparing, though, you ended with the same sentence.

'"I know that." I replied. "Although I do have some Rogue."'

Also the beginning is the same as well.
They both have the same weapons.

I don't think you'll read this, so to count it as a review, I must say PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY 5 times.
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY






actually, I did read this. To answer your most pressing questions: I simply slightly edited the wording at the beginning and reposted this to qualify for the KOTGR library contest, since as a novel chapter the Kingdom of Boredom did not meet their qualifications. It was recommended I edit it into a short story so I could enter it, which I did. However, other than those minor corrections nothing major was changed. So I hope that answers your questions.



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Mon Sep 16, 2013 9:57 pm
Sonder says...



Isn't this the same as the first chapter for the Kingdom of Boredom?



Random avatar


no





yes; read the reply to lostthoughts' comment



Sonder says...


Ah that explains it. Thanks.



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Sun Sep 15, 2013 8:38 pm
Pokemonlover545 wrote a review...



This is how I start my reviews:I am doing a review starting.............now! That was the end of how I start my reviews. I am only reviewing this because I like it, and I want points. I liked when the story said:“Well, the worst we can do is sit here and play.” the boy said to the girl, shrugging his shoulders. “Do you have any ideas?”

“No, not really.” the girl replied. “But then again, something will happen. It always does.”

“We could always fight the author.” Nisei, the boy, said, smiling as he glanced up at me.

“That’d be dumb.” Fiera, the girl said, playfully shoving him. “Only Sages and Viewers can fight with the Author. And only the Admitted can get into the Second World. So unless he lets us in, we’re stuck as Third Worlders”

“Well, I’m getting out.” Nisei said, reaching for the page. I simply tapped his hands away from the paper, keeping him in the Third World. “Hey, that’s not fair!” he yelled at me, shaking a fist in defiance.

“You are here for my entertainment.” I told him. “I have little else to do, and as a Viewer, I can control your life and death.”

“Only by keeping us in your imagination.” Fiera said. “You can’t really control where the story goes. That’s up to us.”

“Well, I’m open to ideas.” I said. “I can’t think of anything to do, and you two are a little outside of my normal travels. I typically keep First Person out of my writings.”

“Fine, why don’t you give us a tour of First World?” Nisei asked.

“You know I can’t do that: you’d have to be First Worlders to see it, and the closest I can get you is Second World, but that can’t really happen in this context, since writing is the osmosis of Second World ideas into Third World format. So you stuck where you are right now.” I liked how you did stuff with the characters in this story...... That was all I have read so................I guess....END OF REVIEW AND GOODBYE!





hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight