My first thought when I arrived in the small clearing in the meadow?
"Finally here..."
I love this place. The amazing view could calm the wildest mind. The trees stretched out as far as the eye could see, creating a dark green patch in the meadow. The mini lake with crystal clear water running into it from the stream just below created a sparkling line of silver-blue inning down the mountain. The rocks, which are so specially placed, look like they were placed by man with amazing accuracy, as if to attract the human eye. I was so glad that no one but myself knows about this place. The trees obscure it from anyone else's casual view. I took off my shoes and socks, skiing in pleasure as my feet touched the soft green grads that blanketed the ground in a perfect, emerald lake. If you listened closely, you could hear the perfect rustle of the wind dancing through the trees, so calming and peaceful. The sun was in the sky, so perfectly placed you could see the rocks sparkling where the water touched them. It was amazing that this place wasn't man made...
You would be able to live here. There are wild blueberries, blackberries, apples, pears... The scent was just Devine... It was so good, one sniff had the power to make your mouth water. The small lake was so pure and refreshing, one mouthful would make you want to drain it completely.
The crystal clear lake, that was like the mother of the smaller, would make you want to jump in. Fully clothed. It was never cold, the water. It was always slightly warm. I dipped my toes into the pristine water, smiling as it ran through them. Then I stepped deeper into the water, bringing it halfway up to my knees. If you stood quietly here, you would be able to see the lake being coloured with little pearlescent flecks from the sun's rays reflecting off of the fishes' scales.
After a while, I stepped out of the main lake and walked over to the bushes and trees that were filled with amazing, perfect fruit. Once I started picking the berries, I had to take off my jacket to carry them all. I washed them in the gently flowing river and put one of the blackberries into my mouth. When my teeth broke the delicate skin, the sweetness enveloped my tongue like a velvet blanket, making me crave more. I lay on the soft grass by the lake and put my jacket beside me, popping the berries one by one into my mouth. Some were more tart than others, while some were so sweet it was like eating a sugar cube. After a while of indulging in the berries and basking in the warmth of the sun, I stayed laying on the grass and I allowed my eyes to drift closed. The sun's rays caressed my face in a warm glow. You would never want to leave this place. There was a home feeling to it. You would be able to lie here forever and forget all of your troubles, listening to the rustle of the trees, the love songs of the birds, the water lapping on the rocky shore. It would be so easy to fall asleep and never wake up. It would be a peaceful way to drift away from the world....
I sat bolt upright. I couldn't believe I was thinking like that. In this place, it's somewhere to relax, have a break from the world and all your troubles. To forget life's difficulties. Not these thoughts... I filled my jacket with more fruit and left, not sure when, or if, I will return.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Lovely piece of descriptive writing; the reader is really able to imagine themselves in this scene.
However, I would have loved you to elaborate on the character in this piece of writing- it left me with a few questions, because it was quite ambiguous.
-Why does the girl feel like she needs to escape?
-What led her to come to this place?
It sort of lacked a proper story line, but I liked the way the last bit was a much shorter paragraph which leaves the reader wondering what will happen next, however maybe there were too many questions left unanswered.
Some background information would have been great, but other than that I enjoyed reading this. I look forward to more of your writing!
When you write a short story you write for a purpose. When you start you think to yourself. "After the reader reads this, what do I want them to think? what do I want them to feel? What do I want to happen?"
Here you have a lovey descriptive narrative. It conjures beautiful imagery, it has some nice wording, it has long and elegant descriptions, but I feel like, ultimate, its there for no reason. When I read this, it feels like nothing, I take away nothing, I start with nothing. Its like just looking at a painting of a bowl of fruit. Its something you see everyday, its nothing unique, its just a pretty painting.
You need meaning, you need an idea, a theme. You sort of hint of something deeper when you go into that she shouldn't be thinking bad thought in a place as so (which took me a while to understand) but its not enough. If I gave you a synopsis then I would say
"About a girl who goes to a meadow and picks some fruit."
Nothing, you see what I mean? That evokes no greater idea.
A short story needs to focus on something, character, setting, time, plot is usually not one of them but sometimes.
If I gave you a synopsis and said "A girl finds herself in paradise and realizes she is lonely and what she has left behind." It is something completely different, it gives you scope for a whole new aspect of the story. Here you have a start but no end, it needs something in it, you only have half of what a reader wants. You have pretty words but no content. Sort of like a fake plastic fruit. A reader sees a juicy pretty thing, bites into it to find nothing.
Amazing!! I love the way that you describe everything so that you can see it in your mind...i think you should turn this into an even longer story...almost a story of some sort of fantasy valley that this person discovered...anyway, there are a few grammar mistakes, but it flows very nicely...
Malachi here to review on one of the best short stories I've ever read. What can I say? Your accuracy and precision in explaining every little detail is so awesome. You create a paradise anyone would be jealous of. This meadow is so beautiful, so perfect, so unreal. I'm craving to go to a place like that.
But your description of everything is so . . . I can't think of the right words to describe this. Let me just say I hope that I see a lot writing from you.
When I was younger my brother and neighbor would go down to a creek in our neighborhood and there roots of trees that were perfect for sitting on. We played all sorts of stuff down their, and we would slosh through the creek with our shoes or bare-feet. We have some good memories from then.
This sounds even so much better. I want to eat the blackberries! I love blackberries.
Keep it up!
Oh wow, that's awesome to here! I'm glad you enjoyed it
To really be honest, I wrote this a while back but I wasn't sure of it because of how it was in first person... But it's great to hear (or read) that review! Thank you~ I'll definitely be planning on doing more of these short stories!
Wow, this is a beautiful description. It's almost...too perfect. It makes me want to know more about the world it's set in. I love the way you portray the characters delight in the settings and your unique similes and descriptions. They really make this come to life and seem much more real.
I do have a few suggestions--mostly tiny little grammar things, so don't worry. Your narrative itself is very good already. First, watch out for extra commas; one spot I noticed says "The spring with crystal clear water running into it from the stream just below, created..." Anyway, that's an example of a comma that has no reason to be there. Also this sentence itself doesn't quite make sense. A spring is where a stream or pool originates; it bubbles out of the ground or a mountain or something like that. This sentence sounds like the stream is feeding the spring when it should be the other way around. Just a little note.
Also "no one but myself know about this place." "Know" should be "knows."
Anyway, all of your mistakes are minor and there aren't a lot of them. Just watch out for sentence flow, something that can be helped if you get rid of extra commas! It's really good and I enjoyed reading it very much.
Thank you for this! One of the typos is because I was changing it from her and a friend knowing about the meadow to just her... Even at that I think it would have been wrong! :p Thanks also for pointing out the other errors, I'm just after fixing those! (I hope >"<) Your review's helped a lot!