z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Please.

by SlushySlapped


I dare you, my darling,

please do it again.

Knock me off my feet and bruise

me until all you see is red.


Ignore my pleas and cries,

take your sweet, sweet time.

Please continue torching my heart,

leave only ashes in its spot.


No, please, don't back down,

choke me harder, my love.

Constrict your hands around my neck,

and squeeze a little bit tighter.


What are you doing, baby?

Why have you stopped?

You can't give up yet, please,

you're so close to the end.


You never finish the job,

because your conscious kicks in.

My mind begs for the downfall,

Please, just kill me, my dear.


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:27 pm
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Gardevite wrote a review...



Avi! I found one of your poems! Have to review!

This is very good! I love the subject if how love can be painful, brutal, yet we need more. A very interesting subject to explore!

Hold up! Am I seeing some sly sexual references?

you're so close to the end.

You never finish the job,


These lines work very well in this poem! You're expressing on part on the spectrum of relationships, and slyly referring to another. this was your intention right?

I know that this is more of a conversation piece, but I would have loved to have seen some more images. It's lovely the way it is, but it's so general. Tell us your experience!

Other than that, no problems. Very well written and overall a pleasure to read!

-Hightop
Squishy!






Lol. I definitely had no sexual reference. That reference is to murdering the narrator. It is. I think though if I were to expand on this, I'd make it a short story rather than a poem. But thank you for your wonderful review, my dear!

You better be signing as Squishy for me! Or Buttercup. That works too. ;)



Gardevite says...


There are two kinds of people xD I see sex, you see murder! XD





Lol. I can see how you got sex out of that though! Always an innuendo with me, remember? (Apparently in my poems as well.)



Gardevite says...


Nah I think my mind just wandered. I kind of noticed how it strayed from the subject of the poem, so I kind of lost that opinion. xD



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Sun Sep 08, 2013 8:41 pm
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Abigail2911 wrote a review...



I really liked this! You wrote about a subject that's really touchy, but you managed to do it so beautifully. Reading this caused me so many emotions and mixed feelings and I must say that you did it so well. My stanza is: "Ignore my pleas and cries, take your sweet, sweet time. Please continue torching my heart, leave only ashes in its spot."




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Sun Sep 08, 2013 6:56 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



First stanza, "me until all you can see is red", take out 'can' for better flow. It's just an extra syllable.
Second stanza, "Ignore my pleads and cries", change 'pleads' to 'pleas' for better flow. The 'd' is just such a bump in the road. "leave only ashes in it's spot." The "it's" should be "its."
The rest was okay, though it felt a bit wordy (but that might just be me). Otherwise good job. Hope this helps!






I was thinking the same thing about the 'can,' but wasn't sure. I'm glad you pointed that out! Pleas does sound better. Oops, I thought I had changed that 'its.'

Thanks for your review!

:D





no prob. And I'd love to hear any comments you might have for my writing. The Kingdom of Boredom should be in the Literary Spotlight right now, but if not, then just check under my portfolio on my profile. Enjoy!



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Sun Sep 08, 2013 3:11 pm
HaleyPenguin wrote a review...



This is VERY well done in my opinion. You sequenced everything just right so that the reader can understand what exactly is going on with the narrator without bluntly saying what exactly is wrong. This is what keeps the reader going and wanting more.
Just one quick thing:
In your third paragraph, second sentence, longer should be switched to harder. It would make the poem flow a little bit more, and not make the reader think there is something not right about the poem in that specific area.
Besides that, I am very pleased with this. I d hope to see more from you. Keep it up! :D






I have been struggling with that line! I had it that way before then I changed it. I think I'm going to change it back, though.

Thanks for your review, hun!

:D



HaleyPenguin says...


No problem. :D



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Sun Sep 08, 2013 8:40 am
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lyricalrebel wrote a review...



Hey there :)
I think the speaker in the poem is a masochist since he enjoys the pain and humiliation. Your work went well and it flowed really good. It kindled my emotions of pity and sadness. It is kind of morbid and constricting. A little piece of advice though,
"Knock me off my feet
and bruise

me until all you can see is red."
I'd divide these lines like this.
No grammatical errors and great job! Keep it up!




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Sun Sep 08, 2013 1:22 am
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Wow. I really don't know what to say about this.

I think that I liked it, but since it covers a topic that is somewhat personal to me, I don't like it that much.

I'm sorry, I have to be honest.

Technically, this is very good. Good grammar, good spelling, and good punctuation. Gold star for you.

The appearance of the piece, that is, how it looks, is pretty nice. Even stanzas, somewhat even lines within the stanzas, and the flow/rhythm is excellent.

There is one thing that I would like to mention, however.

No, please, don't back down.

Choke me harder, my love.

Tighten your hands around my neck

and squeeze just a little bit harder.


Having the same word so close together in the same stanzas, unless it is an intentional repetitive poem, always feels weird to me. I think that you should find a synonym of "harder" that is the same number of syllables, and use that word to replace the last use of the word. Something like, "tighter" should do the trick.

But, as always, this is you choice and not mine. If you like it the way that it is, that's perfectly fine.

Overall, I thought that you did a very good job.

Peace,
HT






Yeah, it's personal for me to. I wrote it and I don't really like it. I I feel like this is a poem that's hard to like in general just because of the subject. AHH. Thank you for catching that. I hate doing that. I'm going to fix it!

Thanks for your review, hun!

:)



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Sun Sep 08, 2013 12:59 am
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carbonCore says...



I'm not sure whether to read this as a heartbreak poem or as a BDSM poem. It works both ways, really.





When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides