The Flame
Note: This is a poem that I wrote about a candlelight ceremony at my summer camp this year.
The flame is a one night stand,
a bottle empty,
and a heart in their hands,
a promise that wasn’t kept,
a soul that wept,
and a reminder in the years that went.
The flame is an untied rope,
last words shouted
and diminished hope,
a duckling that is now flightless
although they say he is blameless,
and he is left where the light does not touch the darkness.
The flame is a thousand words,
many whispered,
many heard,
plastered on her stomach and thighs,
and this is why
her body is hollow and smaller a size.
The flame is a sickened body,
bones weak
and dress baggy,
a victim of theft,
her life bereft,
knowing how little time is left.
The flame is a hundred cuts,
a gallon of bleach,
and sixty nine 'sluts',
it is the stool and the choker,
the face that is pokered,
and it is the boy as he pulls the trigger.
But the flame is also a source of light,
a beacon of hope,
and a poem that they write,
it is a hand that they hold,
a love that wasn’t sold,
and a reality when the truth has been told.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there youngandclueless! Let's get started:
Well once again dragonfpheonix has stolen my ability to correct any punctuation or grammar mistakes whatsoever, and the one thing I would change rbt00 has already mentioned and that's changing the lines
"They talk hurriedly,"
and
"They talk worriedly,"
This poem was full of amazing lines, but I'd have to say my favorites were
But the flame is also a source of light,
a beacon of hope,
and a poem that they write,
it is a hand that they hold,
a love that wasn’t sold,
and a reality when the truth has been told.
Thanks for sharing such an amazing poem! Keep writing!!
-Cheetah-
To say this poem was good, would be an underestimation because oh goodness this is such an amazing poem!
Hey there, Umaima here to review your poem!
I loved, like really loved your plot! It was clear and lead to one particular direction which was a very good point. I could clearly understand the meaning behind your words and the poem's just a masterpiece.
Formatting error, yeah! That was the only problem in the poem. It's quite alright though but readers still prefer to read poems in stanzas. Now whether it be of 3,4,5 lines stanzas or different!
Now my favorite lines in the poem were"
"The flame is a one night stand,
a bottle empty,
and a heart in their hands,
a promise that wasn’t kept,
a soul that wept,
and a reminder in the years that went."
So that's all! This was a great piece. I really like it and hope to see more from you!
Happy review day!
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
Technical:
"The flame is an untied rope,
last words shouted,
and diminished hope,
a duckling that is now flightless,
although they say he is blameless,
and he is left where the light does not touch the darkness."
Here, you transition onto a new thought during commas. You had a lot of commas earlier, but unlike earlier this didn't stay on the same thought. We went from the candlelight to a duckling, and I needed a break to warn me about this transition. Please put a period after "and diminished hope" instead of a comma to help with this.
"and this is why,
her body is hollow and smaller a size."
The comma after "why" is unnecessary, and it jostles the reading flow.
"But the flame is also a source of light,
a beacon of hope,
and a poem that they write,
it is a hand that they hold,
a love that wasn’t sold,
and a reality when the truth has been told."
Again, you have commas linking disjointed thoughts like train couplers, where carts shouldn't be coupled. Put a period after "and a poem that they write" to help readers understand where your new thoughts come in.
Otherwise good poem, and keep it up.
Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!
Hey, thanks for reviewing my poem! You gave me a lot of great advice, which I really need because I am new at this. In the line "A duckling is now flightless" I was refer to a story I heard when I was a child about a duckling that got separated from his mother, because that stanza was supposed to be about a child whose parents are getting divorced. But thank you so much on all of the other stuff because I have been told many times that I use commas way too much, but I am just terrible at fixing the issue. >)
SecreteJournalist here, reviewing for Rouge! Happy review day to you
Well, good job <3
I really like this poem. It had a power and passion that you can not find in a lot of poems!
I cant understand that it wont seperate stanzas on here, I have been having the same problem! People have covered basically anything wrong with this poem, you're doing great really! I mean, just keep writing :3 I like the idea of a flame, I am kinda obsessed with fire... totally not a pyro though
Hey! I loved your poem and it was so passionate! I enjoyed the idea and I think it looks like you really took time on this. I really hope you continue to write, because I love your work!!! My favorite line was ,
"The flame is a sickened body,
Bones weak,
And dress baggy,
A victim of theft,
Her life bereft,
Knowing how little time is left."
Keep writing because ya'll know I'll be reading!
Molly-
Hi Youngandclueless!
Nice username by the way. Also, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your stay
Okay, so this poem is really interesting. My favorite part would have to be these lines:
I love how throughout the entire poem, the flame was portrayed as something unpleasant. Then in the last few lines, the fact that the flame also brings joy, not only sorrow.
Now, as for the review... I'm sort of a beginner at poetry as well, but I do know some tips/critiques I'll share with you.
Stanzas. They're a wonderful thing in poetry. A stanza is like the paragraph for poetry. I'm not exactly sure how to explain this, so here's a link to someone who explains it way better than I ever could have: Click Here For Stanzas Info!
Next! I noticed you capitalized the first letter of each line. You don't need to capitalize every single line. Especially if/when you incorporate stanzas into the poem, not capitalizing each line makes it look nice, crisp, and flowing. If that makes sense.
I also noticed you put a comma at the end of each line (if there wasn't a period taking its place). Again, that's not necessary for each line.
~ Sixty-nine is one whole word. Just insert a dash instead of a space.
~ Last critique: I think that replacing the quotation marks with commas would be better. Because quotation marks are generally used only for dialogue and well, quotes! So here's how the finished product would look:
And sixty-nine 'sluts',
Better right? I think so.
So that's all I gotta say. Thanks for the nice read! I think if you incorporated those few things into this poem, and future poems, it would make it even better than it already is. Happy writing!
Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow
Thank you so much! I must say, that while I love writing, grammar has never been my strong suit. I will definitely use this. Thanks again!
Oh, really? I'm pretty good with grammar. It's a gift. Haha just kidding. Anyway, I'm glad I could help you out!
Hey! Great Topic And A Great Theme. I Really like the poem though there are some minor mistakes. The lines
"A promise that wasn’t kept,
A soul that wept,"
Were really amazing.
The lines---
"They talk hurriedly,
They talk worriedly,"
These lines didn't fit perfectly into your poem. The words hurriedly and worriedly look unusual.
OverAll- Amazing just a few more steps. Recheck and go through this poem be really amazing!
Do Review My Stuff..
THANKSS
Thank you for reviewing my poem! Looking back I see what you mean about the two lines. Thank you so much!
Welcome