Once upon a time, when everything was grey,
Like what I dreamt, how I thought, and what I had to say.
I met someone special, who looked a lot like you,
And then a world of color came into my view.
The flowers on the trees turned into a red.
And all of the grey thoughts I had, begun to leave my head.
And when the green of the hills started to make way,
I noticed all my dreams, had looked a bit less grey.
But, it wasn’t till the sun came out that I now was sure,
That the grey world I thought I knew, I never knew before.
But then my world of color went back to black and white.
And that’s when I experienced the horror of the night.
The bugs were singing and the stars were out
The only thing awake was my shadow of a doubt
Has my world of color gone back to boring grey?
I was answered by the dawn of a colorful new day.
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139,672 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hello, here to review (I hope I'm not annoying you with all the reviews).
This was a great poem, I really liked it. The beginning was intriguing.
This is what made me decide to read the whole poem. Especially the second verse. I like how you describe it as if your life wasn't that important until you met that person, and then everything took color.
This part is a bit confusing. It wasn't until after a few times rereading it that I understand (or think I do). I don't know what makes me see it that was, but I think that structured differently it might be a little easier to understand and help the flow of the story. You could say, for example:
I especially like the ending.
I love this part, because you make the reader think that the color wouldn't last, or maybe it had never even happened at all. And then the way you deliver the news that there is, in fact, still color, is a super good ending to the story. Beautiful!
There weren't really any mistakes, spelling or grammatical, and the poem was beautiful.
The views I express here are my own, and you are the writer and it is your style, so take my suggestions as seriously as you want.
Congratulations again and keep writing, I'll be looking forward to it.
-AlfonsoF, member of the Apple Dumpling Gang
Awesome! Outstanding! Amazing! Excellent! Great job! I really enjoyed reading this. It is beautiful poetry and rhymes in every sentence. I also love the meaning of this poem. I really liked 'I was answered by the dawn of a colorful new day.' It is a beautiful ending and really liked it. I will have to look into some of your other poetry. Anyway... Good job! your and excellent poet. Hope you keep writing! Can't wait to read more! Keep writing!
From,
Buddy886551
This is really nice! The poem flows freely and has a distinctive rhythm. Normally, poems that rhyme with every two verses are often seen as childish, but you've pulled it off very well! There's still room for improvement, like:
"The flowers on the trees turned into a red.
And all of the grey thoughts I had, begun to leave my head."
Here, you might want to describe what kind of red the leaves were. It gives your verse this... strength I guess. You could say something like: 'The flowers on the trees turned a startling red" or something. And instead of "begun," "began" would be much more appropriate. You've used commas in a couple of places where they break the flow, like : "I noticed all my dreams, had looked a bit less grey." Get rid of that comma! Also, the ending is a bit... off. It seems like something a child would write (no offense, seriously. The ending's always the hardest to write.) You might want to try for something like: 'I know now that I cannot bear, this colour of decay.'
Or you could keep your line, but just twist the words to form something like: 'But my world chooses to brighten, my fears ebb away.'
Keep writing! You certainly have a thing for poetry!
I hope this helped. =)
~Pompadour
thank you so much! I'm trying to strengthen my vocabulary, so thank you for the support.
omg. wow. i have to say i hate rhyming poetry but i loves this. it was great. i just love all of it. you could change the spacing a little so that it flowed better and looked like a poem and not a really short story but thats the only bad thing i can come up with. i loved this. just wow. great job. how did you come up with this? did it just flow or did something inspier it? if it was inspiered what was the inspiration? i cant wait to read some of your other stuff. now just a question. do you like tmi or tid? if you dont know what that is its the mortal instruments and the infernal devices by cassandra clare. im a huge fan and i want to find some more people who love her books as much as i do. if you havent read them you have to asap. they are amazing. and i swear im not just saying that to get you to read them i am actually saying that because they are amazing.
back on track now. great poem. you should try and get it published or enter it in some compitions.
sorry about the spelling by the way.
from alilovessandy.
wow
Hahaha, thank you. Nothing really inspired it. I kind of just thought of it.
I've been wanting to read both of those books for a while, and im going to the library today so I might pick them up. thanks for the recommendation.
Hey, welcome to the sight! I'm your friendly neighborhood HomeschooledTeen here to review!
If you have any questions about the site, feel free to PM me at any time. Let's get on to the actual review now, shall we?
I don't think that you need to have the first, "and" in the work. It throws off the rhythm a little.
Compared to the rest of the work, these two lines feel a little short. Maybe you should consider adding some words to increase length.
The "I" in "it" does not need to be capitalized, unless that was intentional.
Since you have said before that her world was grey before it became color, saying something like, went back to black and white or something along those lines. This isn't the first time the narrator is experiencing loss of color.
Your grammar, spelling, and punctuation are quite perfect. Goo job there.
Some authors may tell you that rhyme in poetry isn't important, but I think that it has its place, and I personally love to read it, so you get major brownie points for that!
I loved your content (or plot, whichever you prefer). This little story about a person in a world of grey getting introduced to color before the night comes is absolutely wonderful.
You clearly have a talent for poetry.
Peace,
HT
thank you:)