Randomisty writing

by RedApril29th

A bunch of random stuff, when I get bored.

(Eternal)

Come and sail with me,

down into the sea.

Come and live with me,

forever we can be.

Come and love me,

can't you see?

We are eternal,

you and me.

(Christian)

Christ, looking over us,

Hold on to your faith,

Remember, he is here,

In your heart,

Sin is apart of you,

Tears flowing down your cheeks,

In every heart he lives,

And he forgives

Never lose Christ.

Comments

Points: 11295
Reviews: 663

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Sun Sep 29, 2013 8:01 pm

Messenger wrote a review...

Knight Malachi here to review both of these poems on Review Day. Go team blue!!!!!!!
for Eternal: I really liked your rhyming. It flowed smoothly; about as good as you can get. I thought it did a good job of capturing your thoughts of love. I saw no errors in it.
Christian: I really REALLY loved this one, because I am also a Christan like I assume you are. This very truly captured a good moral, and once again ti rhymed well, and went together perfectly. I enjoyed it very much. and your italicizing words was something else that fit well and made it better. Your last two lines are my favorite for sure.
Keep it up!

Happy Review Day!!!!

Points: 11370
Reviews: 508

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Mon Sep 02, 2013 3:55 pm

dragonfphoenix says...

Nice poems. Loved the Christian acronym!!! Very cool. Just one thing: shouldn't all personal pronouns referring to Christ be capitalized (they should)? So could you fix those? Other than that they're fine.
Hope this helps!

Points: 16710
Reviews: 394

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Mon Sep 02, 2013 2:50 pm

KnightTeen wrote a review...

Hey, this is HT here for a review.

A bunch of random stuff, when I get bored.

Was this part of the poem or just an author's note? Because if it was an authors note, you need to indicate it as such.

I thought that both of these poems were very good, to have been written when you were bored.

Grammatically speaking, they are quite perfect. The same can be said for your punctuation.

The only suggestion that I can make to you is to make these into two separate works. They only fit together a little, and in truth hardly relate to one another. In my opinion, it would make more sense to have a poem entitled "Christian" and then a separate poem entitled "Eternal".

But, if you do not wish to do this that's okay. I'm just here to make suggestions.

Peace,
HT

RedApril29th says...

Well, they keep raising how many points it takes to post, so I just fit them in together, especially since they're dedicated to the same person, Christian. And yeah, that was an authors note. I'll fix it.

Points: 17572
Reviews: 146

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Mon Sep 02, 2013 8:58 am

MooCowPoop says...

I like this poem.

RedApril29th says...

Thank you, very much.

Points: 323
Reviews: 65

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Mon Sep 02, 2013 6:49 am

NightWalker wrote a review...

Hi RedApril29th,here I am to make my review on your 'Randomisty writing'.

First of all,I really love the (Eternal) part,much more like a poem here.It so nice and pretty cute to read.However there is a lines that make me feel awkward here.The rest is awesome:

#Come and sail with me,

down into the sea.-->sailing but down into the sea?I think it should be like this;across the sea instead of 'down into the sea'.

The 2rd part(Christian) also nice to read when you put every alphabets in front of each lines. I think it's very entertaining and creatively done by yourself.
In overall,I love it!Really enjoyed reading your 'piece of art' here.
Keep writing and reviewing in YWS.
Cheer
~NightWalker

RedApril29th says...

It's a bit of a hidden thing with the down into the sea. It's like the ship sinking, therefore being eternal at the bottom of the sea, together. Thank you for the review.

NightWalker says...

I see,that making sense to me

thanks for explanation!

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