The swirl of dust awoke the seemingly sleeping desert. Cacti stretched their cramped limbs and bloomed their flowery faces skywards. The sand swirled and created a mist, clearing only to the rich blue sky. A lonely man came walking through the peaceful scene, his confident stride infected with a barely noticeable limp. He stopped next to a flowering cactus. His rich blue eyes seemed to absorb the cactus, and in one swift motion, he sliced the cactus in two with an unseen blade. Moisture dripped from the depths of the plant, and the man drank from it thirstily, as if a drink was all that mattered in the world. He swiftly moved on to an unknown destination, past the slaughtered cactus and farther into the middle nowhere. He wore a strange blue cloak that shimmered nearly to nearly invisible shades, dripping an unknown liquid that seemed to come from within the mysterious man. The man himself was a tall handsome man, with rich, tangled dark hair and the greenest of eyes, like a cat’s. His eyes crinkled in a way that made him look as if he were smiling all the time, though his mouth was a line, grave and solemn. Once well away from his plant prey, he started into a quick jog, then he became faster and faster, as though he was running for his life. His eyes crinkled so you knew differently, but no one was around to think so. The still air whipped through his hair as he disturbed silent atoms, his thick locks bouncing and swaying, carefree dancers oblivious to their surroundings. Laughing out loud, he closed his eyes and grew solemn, never slowing his pace. Suddenly, his feet sprinted straight off the ground, and the man was running on an invisible road, oblivious to the height. This magical pathway led him straight to the clouds, where you could see for miles the endless desert and the miniscule blue line in the distance that was a great sea. As the man ran he seemed to grow younger, though his original state was of an unknown age, he shortened a few inches and the small imperfections on his face grew soft, into a youth’s features. His pace slowed and the now boy opened his eyes. He stopped. Facing the beautiful land stretched out before him like a map, he cried, “My Kingdom!” He sat down in mid air, staring at the beauty that was his land. “And now it’s mine.” he whispered to himself.
The cool evening air wrapped around him like a blanket, and he grew tired. Shutting his eyes, he felt bliss grow closer than it had ever dared before. Savoring this feeling, he fell asleep, only to be roughly awakened hours later by the feeling of leather hands on his mouth. His eyes opened wide and he nearly screamed, but a gag had been firmly placed in his jaw. He rolled his eyes like a frightened camel and thrashed his tied arms and legs. He fell through the air as the pathway left him behind. His tangled locks flew back and you could see the whole of his handsome face. He aged at a tremendously unhealthy rate and hit the cool sand 30 years older. His brain shook and he could feel the gears in his head slowing and his heart racing as heavy footsteps approached him. The cooling sand against his cheek felt so nice, but he was too shocked to fall asleep. The footsteps came closer and his fear increased. His vision became spotted and his breath caught in his throat as his eyes stared at the black boots that quickly filled the space in front of him. His back grew cold and sweat beaded down his brow. The boots disappeared and his vision went blank. The last thing he remembered was his body being roughly thrown over a shoulder like a sack, and the soft, music like words
“Good-night.”
End of chapter
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hello my dear racket! Griff, here to review this lovely work!
First off, this is really well written. I really enjoyed it. The description is fantastic, and I liked how you introduced your character without giving too much. However, I do have a few nitpicks.
Like previous reviewers before me, this is a bit too poetic, focusing on the descriptions a wee bit too much. When the guy slaughtered the cactus (loved that, by the way), I was intrigued. But then you went on to describe his blue (green?) eyes, and you lost me, despite it being really well written. I would cut it down just a bit, not a lot, because it is really good so far, but a little, just to keep it going. Like, don't repeat how his eyes crinkle so much. Just saying.
Some other points.
I don't think the last part of this sentence is needed. I found it repetetive, and it didn't make much sense. Up to you, though.
I think it would be better to say, "And his pace sped up more, getting faster and faster." It makes more sense.
Bwahaha. My Kingdom is now...mine? Why did he call it his just to clarify that it is his? Was it not his to begin with?
What does a camel look like? Do they roll their eyes when they are scared? Odd simile...
Two things. How is this person lifting a full grown man so easily? Just wondering, are they crazy strong or a superpowered human? Also, "words" needs a comma after it.
Overall, this is a great piece. It made me want to read on and the description is great. Nice job. You must continue it! Don't worry too much about my nitpicks, I was just being annoying and, well, nitpicky. XD
Keep writing and being amazing! Go Beasts!
~GC
Thank you so much for reviewing! I probably won't change much for the time being, but after I've got the first chapter out, I'll go back and comb through my work and fix all suggested. Thank you for reviewing!
~Racket
I like that you have a very detailed writing style. As this is a prologue, it's good that you are explaining what is happening, but not ruining the plot-point. The force you give in to this story is delicious. This is the kind of story-telling that lets readers world-wide live a thousand lives. Though, there's that problem with sentences. It's okay if you messed up on the first story, but without proper help, like these reviews, the flaws can come increasingly in other stories you write and you'll notice it yourself. You can repeat things sometimes, but a lot of the time, it's that you're not being clear. Now some prologues are unclear, but yours is when have the character do something.
Sorry if I'm being nice then judging, but it's how I write. Anyways, try improving and the story will be much better.
Okay, seriously. Your description is beautiful! But it's too poetry, less prosy. It's always great to get a description of the character, but I feel that you've repeated yourself several times. Sometimes, it's the most complex of descriptions that leave us the most confused. For example, first you describe the man's eyes as being "a rich blue." Then the next thing we know, they're green!
You might want to pay less attention to what the man's wearing than what he's actually doing. Paragraphs would really help. I've noticed paragraphs give an overall neat and fresh look to descriptive passages. They have this uncanny knack of making them seem...less descriptive, you know? There are a few typos, but those can be easily corrected. Overall, I find that the second paragraph flows quite smoothly, and I definitely enjoyed reading this!
Keep writing, keep re-checking, and turn criticism into something so positive, you make the world's jaw pop open with awe at what you manage to write!
Digital cookies!
~Pompadour
Hi racket!
Okay, so I'm going to review this as I read it. When I first take a glance at your work, the first thing I notice is that there are only two (huge) paragraphs. Then a small piece of dialogue at the end.
Please, please, please separate the writing into smaller paragraphs! It makes it so much easier for reader's to read. It's a little straining on the eyes to read big chunks of writing like that. Especially on a laptop, or whatever else. The first paragraph alone could probably be cut into 5-6 smaller paragraphs. Please fix this. It's like my biggest pet peeve in writing.
Now that that's off my chest, let's get to the story itself. Your description, imagery, and details are amazingly flawless! I can imagine almost perfectly exactly what's going on. I envy you! Haha. Seriously though, great description.
There are a few tiny things I wanted to point out. Here goes.
~ The title has 'prologue' spelt wrong! That's not good :/
~ Another quirk of mine. I like to spell out numbers completely. Instead of typing '30', I type 'thirty'. You don't have to do this if you don't want to. Just a suggestion.
~ Goodnight can be spelled as one whole word. Also, who said goodnight was never clarified. I mean, the name and such doesn't have to be mentioned. I think a bit of detail here would make the ending come together nicely.
For example, it could be:
"Goodnight." a rough voice grunted.
Or something like that. Again, just a suggestion.
Otherwise, I really liked this piece! Like I said already, I love the description. Happy writing!
Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow
Hi there! Just a quick review for you. I hope you're enjoying the site so far
I liked to read this, but felt that it was rather purple in color. Purple prose is when a piece is written with overly-descriptive language that draws attention to itself instead of to the story.
You had only one spelling and grammar mistake as far as I could see:
The first nearly is a typo
I found your style a little too descriptive. It's great if a work contains lots of description, but this may be too much of a good thing—to such an extent that readers stop looking at the story and instead marvel at the writing style. The less dedicated writers can even stop reading because every sentence is so complicated. So cut down on the amount of adjectives you use and simplify. Write as though you have a cutoff point just ahead of you.
You need some work on your dialogue grammar. Here is a great article in the Knowledge Base on the subject: Punctuation within Dialogue. Enjoy!
Good job at arousing curiosity in this piece. It serves as a good intro to a work
Keep writing!
barefootrunner
Okay, I'm intrigued. Your descriptions are very vivid and beautiful. I want to know more about this strange man and whether or not he is as likable as he seems. And I want to know what happens to him at the end! Who is this stranger who has subdued him? I do think the amount of your descriptions might be slightly monotonous--but even something simple, like splitting up your paragraphs into a couple of smaller ones might take care of that. I'm definitely looking forward to more!