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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Hidden in a Lie Prologue

by alilovessandy


I stood in my bedroom staring out the window; the bright summer sun touched my skin but never warmed it. A large black van pulled up outside the house and the driver, a man dressed in black, got out and hurried to the door. A few seconds later I heard the door open and close. A woman sat in the kitchen waiting for us to come home.

The crashing started getting louder by the second. It was soon joined by yelling. Glass broke and hard wooden objects were thrown against the wall. The commotion moved to the other side of the house into the kitchen. Before I could move I heard her scream followed by a muffled gun shot.

Footsteps moved quickly to the front door. Opened, but never closed, the door swayed in the breeze. I tried to get a look at the man’s face but he never looked at me. All I could see was the dark red blood that now covered his shirt. He left the front yard, moving behind the house to look for witnesses.

It wouldn’t be long before he came here. With no remorse I felt a sudden urge to run to the kitchen. I ran as quietly as I could, down the stairs and through the house. There was glass and debris everywhere. The wall was covered in large holes caused by plates, chairs and anything else they could get their hands on.

Bloodied footprints lead from the kitchen and went straight through the living room. I knew what was coming next but it was like my feet had a mind of their own. As I got closer to the kitchen I saw the stream of blood slithering towards me.

I rounded the corner and supressed the urge to scream. She lay in a pool of blood, surrounded by the disasters of the struggle. I tried to walk closer but the blood covered my bare feet gathering between my toes.

I took a step backwards but hit something hard. I slowly turned around already knew what was coming. The scratchy wool of a sweater made my skin crawl. After a thousand dreams and nightmares it still shook me to the bone. I turned around staring at his blood stained shirt and screamed.


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332 Reviews


Points: 10657
Reviews: 332

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Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:53 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



Looks like you had a bit of a formatting problem with the publishing center. You may want to go have another shot at fixing it up.

Now, your writing seems sophisticated enough, you make use of punctuation, including semicolons, and capital letters, yet your title looks like a 6 year old wrote it. Prologue is spelt wrong and the I is not capitalized. It really put me off. I was not even going to read it at all because I expected it to be very badly written just like the title. Then I thought that if it was that bad then the person would certainly need help. The next in the body is like a completely different thing. So yes, fix your title, urgent.
So yes,
1. fix title.
2. fix double lines and strange spacing.

Overall I was actually very interested in the content of this, it was hooking enough and full with action and excitement right from the first line. keep writing, just improve yourself on your formatting and presentation.






thanks for the feedback. im kinda a really bad spelling (dislexic(cant spell that either)) i will fix the strange spacing now. as for the title i am having some trouble with it. any ideas



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65 Reviews


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Reviews: 65

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Wed Aug 28, 2013 5:45 am
NightWalker wrote a review...



Hi there alilovessandy,have a good day!So here I am to review on your novel(the words i could say prolog).

Love to say here that you have such a strong imagination that makes me feel amazed.You know how to use the literary style here;

#Personafication(give characteristic of man to things)e.g-'the bright summer sun touched my

skin but never warmed it.'
#Choosing of words(usage) and diction is totally strong and arranged also understandable.

*I enjoy reading your novel and I hope to see what will happen next.The suspense here make me exited to read more from you.So well done here!keep writing and welcome to YWS!Cheer.






thanks for the feedback




"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites