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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Makaily - Prologue

by Alora


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Prologue - Makaily's Demise

As the breeze hummed across the river, Makaily Lewis tucked her billowing strands of red hair behind her ear. The leaves of the bushland hushed a gentle tune as the sun glistened off the riverbed. The shallow water at the riverbed trickled soothingly over the rocks. The hillside behind her trapped the wind into the clearing, adding to a cool and serene atmosphere.

Makaily lay back under an overhanging tree to admire her boyfriend who was floating in the river. She smiled at that thought. Her fiancé, she corrected herself...ever since last night when he'd gotten down on bended knee. When Andrew had brought her on this camping trip, she had no idea what his true intentions were.

The night before, he had proposed to her under the stars and she'd immediately accepted. His earnest expression glowed softly in the flicker of firelight as he confessed his deep love for her. The adoration in his eyes had been enough to make her melt. For all the time they'd spent together, she had no doubts he was the one.

Now sensing her stare, Andrew rolled off his back in the water and swam towards her. He came to a halt when he reached waist-deep and he stood up with a grin. The water streamed from his trim torso, his wet blonde hair tangled around a smooth face. Makaily's smile widened at the sight. He slowly crept out of the water, his arms extended from his waist like a candidate for wrestle mania. His grin slyly grew.

When his feet hit the pebbly sand, he paused to shake the excess water before his cheeky expression returned. His eyes glistened adoringly, making her feel like the only woman in existence. He let out a playful growl and she giggled while he sauntered towards her. Sitting upright, she quickly pulled him down into an enticing embrace. Their passion slowly grew with every minute of their kiss.

A sudden cat-call abruptly broke the silence, causing them to pull apart. The calls continued in sarcastic tone, echoing off the hillside that loomed behind them. Makaily's nerves tightened when she saw Andrew's face harden when he peered beyond her. His body tense while he edged to his knees and Makaily mimicked his movements. With anxious curiosity she turned her head to the voices that shouted from the hill.

She only saw three men at first. As they swaggered down the dusty trail of the hill, more emerged behind them. She counted ten at least. They varied in size but they all wore dark denim clothing. Their arms were exposed, revealing matching tattoos. From what she could see, it was a picture of some sort of skull clutching a decomposing rose. The ruggedness of their jaws and the array of punk hair were enough to make her nervous.

She could sense Andrew's caution as it radiated around her like a unnerving blanket. He slowly rose to his feet and asked, "Who are you?"

The man that was nearest came to a halt while his friend leaped off the trail behind him. His cracked lips drew into a toothy grin. He folded his arms across his chest, accentuating his tattoo. His hair was jet-black and spiked in every direction while he shook his head, "Uh-uh, you don't get to ask the questions, you're on our turf."

Andrew slowly raised his hands, "We don't want any trouble."

The man sniggered derisively, "Well that's too bad."

His voice was deep and intimidating as two more men appeared by his side. The one of his right was gangly, seeming to swim within his sleeveless jacket. His hair was streaked with green and earrings studded every part of his lobe. He spat on the ground while his dark haired friend spoke. The man on the left was far bulkier than his friends. His head was shaved clean, shining in the sun that filtered through the treetops.

More men swaggered around them, many with scraggly long hair and bushy beards that hid their features. They all wore a disturbing snarl as they looked Makaily and Andrew up and down. Makaily hastily got to her feet and shuffled behind her fiancé. Andrew reached back and clutched her waist reassuringly as he asked them, "What do you want?"'

"What do ya think?" the green haired punk fished out a pocket knife and flicked it open, "Your money of course!"

Another man emerged through the group, cracking his knuckles while he approached them. His hair was a single strip across his skull, in style of a Mohawk. His eyes burned with malicious intent. Andrew shuffled in front of Makaily more protectively.

"We don't have any money."

"Quit jerking our chains," the bald man's mouth twisted in a sneer.

"We just hiked here," Andrew replied nervously.

"Then it looks like we're gonna take a field trip," the leader replied in a taunting tone.

The rest of his group chuckled darkly around him. Makaily couldn't move, her fingers digging into Andrew's side as her uneasiness grew. Her fiancé swallowed slowly and scanned the group that surrounded them. The Mohawk man now revealed another knife as he moved alongside the green haired punk. Andrew gazed at the blades helplessly and held his hands up in surrender, "Okay."

He took Makaily's hand tightly, keeping her close while they reluctantly made their way towards the trail on the hillside. Makaily's heart was thumping in her chest as the men closed in around them with blended smells of sweat. Their musky scents mixed with their shabby appearance were enough to draw out her anxiety. Andrew glared while they cautiously stepped through the daunting path of gang members. His palm began to sweat as it wrapped tightly around her hand, increasing her apprehension all the more.

"Where's your stash?" the leader asked gruffly.

Andrew and Makaily paused at the base of the hill and exchanged a puzzled glance. The leader waved his arms impatiently, "Your goods, your campsite? Where is it?"

They paused at the base of the hill. Makaily pressed herself against Andrew as the knife wielding men edged closer. Her skin prickled from his close proximity and her instincts told her to run. But there were so many of them and it was her fear that kept her grounded. She warily turned her gaze to the gang leader while Andrew pointed up.

"Not far, just over the hill here."

The dark haired man peered up the hill. He then turned his eyes drolly to his fellow members and simply announced, "Too far."

These two simple syllables turned her stomach cold and she sucked in her breath. There was a scuffle in the dirt behind them and her heart skipped a beat as she flung her head around. Andrew was already spinning on his heels, driving his arms out to shove a man away. His eyes were wide as they flicked to Makaily and he urged her to run. She could see the trepidation within them and it seemed foreign. For a second, her feet refused to move as she watched in disbelief.

She saw Andrew swing another fist and wild punches began flying everywhere. Her pulse raced as her eyes darted around, uncertain of what to do. When she heard Andrew grunt again, the ice in her stomach began to spread.Still in a state of shock, she watched her fiancé collapse to his knees and nurse the back of his head. Suddenly a hairy arm came thrusting down on him, snapping Makaily out of her stupor.

She screamed when Andrew jerked from the blade plunging into his back. Her heart leaped into her throat as he instincts took over. She sprang forward to come to his aid while the hand continued to pound him. Adrenalin coursed through her veins as her fingers clawed at the man attacking her partner. A strong grip suddenly latched around and pulled her backwards off her feet.

Her lungs compressed under the tightening grip and she thrashed against the thick torso, her fear now taking full control. She desperately lowered her mouth and sank her teeth into the hairy arm wrapped around her chest. She dug deep, having no mercy for the dirty paws that gripped her. The arm jerked and she wriggled herself free from the hold. She landed clumsily on the ground and fumbled toward the dusty trail that scaled the hill.

She'd only got a few steps when something swiped the back of her legs, throwing her onto the ground. She rolled onto her back and gasped at the massive bald man that loomed over her. A nauseating sensation churned her stomach as he grinned deviously and began to lean down. With a roaring shout, Andrew reappeared, springing onto the man's broad shoulders. His face was streaked with blood, his eyes desperate as he wrestled the beast away from her.

The dirt trail hissed as Makaily hastily scuffled backwards. Her breath came in pants as her eyes transfixed on the wrestling men. The bald man looked furious as he turned his wrath on her fiancé. A gust of panic swept over her as she watched more men crowd around her partner. Through the gaps of their legs, Andrew gave her a final look, pleading for her to run.

Before she could blink, he disappeared from view amid the circle of gang members. Fists were thrown, legs kicked viciously as her lover grunted in pain. The sound pierced through her chest like the cold stab of an ice pick. She scrambled to her feet, her legs feeling like jelly, heart pumping so fast it was difficult to breath.

Then a second of frozen fear, caught in a moment of confliction. Anger was battling her dread. She wanted to rush over to help him, but fear was winning, quickly engulfing her to a state of helplessness. Her instincts told her to heed Andrew's plea and run but her insides knotted taut with hesitation.

The Mohawk punk suddenly broke away from the others and snarled at her. Absolute dread flushed through the red-haired girl as she stared back at the monstrous man. With shaking legs, she twisted around and darted for the hillside trail. Her eyes scanned the hill frantically, trying to seek salvage in its rocky levels and darkened caves.

A new rush of adrenalin burst through when her feet hit the dusty trail. The small glimmer of hope was vacuumed away when the heavy hand groped her shoulder from behind. Her body stiffened under the touch and she gasped when a burning pain suddenly pierced her ribs. Panic soared as she peered down in astonishment at the blade embedded in her side. The weapon slowly eased out, sending a warm dribble of blood down her waist. Her legs gave out from under her, sinking down as the pain spread.

Thick fingers gripped around her legs and reefed her backwards, making her smack the ground face-first. She coughed and spluttered as the dust rose up around her face. She feared she may choke on her heart at any moment. A heavy weight drew down on her legs to keep her pinned to the ground. She blinked through the dusty air to the other men that still circled her fiancé.

The pain in her side was completely taken over by the throbbing pain in her heart. Water stung her eyes as she saw her lover twitch from their violent attacks. She sobbed as the reality set in that they were completely defenseless. Like an animal caught in a bear trap, struggling uselessly against an impending doom.

Her quiet pleads grew into a wail as she watched them take the life from her one true love. Her cries then choked in her throat to the movement of heavy boots and she was overwhelmed with a sickening dread. The sound of each footstep trembled right through her chest. Pure panic set in and she squirmed desperately under the weight atop of her.

Confused thoughts and deep regret swirled and burned her mind like a vicious volcano, realising her end was near. Her heart screamed in protest to the impending doom they'd done nothing to provoke. The leader's menacing voice rumbled instructions around her.

"Go check out their camp and get the money."

"What about her?"

"We'll take care of it."

The deep tone was merciless, echoing in her ears with absolute contempt. A bitter taste invaded her mouth as she pleadingly wept for her life. There was another sharp pain, causing her to whimper with the dust clinging to her tear stained face. Her head was dizzy with frantic thoughts. Her eyes darted in every direction;reluctant to look but too scared to close them.

Every fiber of her muscles were tensed while she struggled to breath. Her limbs burned with pain while her insides iced with terror. Her instincts still urged her to fight, though her efforts were useless. A hollow feeling of helplessness began to burrow through her chest. She then squeezed her eyes shut in effort to escape the fear and pain...


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:04 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi Alora! Happy Review Day! Here to review your chapter. I will review as I read so that it will make a little more sense to both me and you. I tend to get my knickers in a twist otherwise :)

Here goes!

I love your opening paragraph. The detail and description you have included is just fantastical. I also love that you've already sneaked in a few important details about Mikaily's appearance for us.

“his wet blonde hair matted around a smooth face.” - I'm not really crazy about the word 'matted' here. It makes it sound as though he is filthy dirty or something. Maybe you could think of changing it to 'tangled' or 'tousled'?

"“The one of his right was gangly, seeming to swim within his sleeveless jacket.” - This particular description is great! I can picture the character really clearly.

The only points that I can think to give you is to work on your dialogue. Where your description and action detail are amazingly good, your dialogue for me makes it fall a little flat.

I would have also liked to have a seen a few hints as to what these men wanted. Why did they choose this couple in particular or was it completely random? A wrong time, wrong place scenario?

Overall - it was great! It kept me reading from beginning to end & you're clearly a very talented writer. Especially with your descriptions.

Good luck! & I hope to read more of your work soon!

Olive <3



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Alora says...


Thanks so much for your review! Those are good suggestions and it's great to hear the questions it provoked (I had wondered if I was being too vague with the storyline). I appreciate your feedback and I will work on that dialogue. Thanks again!



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:10 am
manisha wrote a review...



Alora!
You have such beautiful style of writing! I was gripped from the very start and loved reading every word! I have no critics for this one! Your description and narration is fantastic! I like the way you introduced us to Andrew and Makaily. You fall in love them from the very start and it is horrible to know Andrew is killed. He seemed like a protective, loving and caring man who loved Makaily.
As a prologue it was good. Maybe we will learn the significance of this once the story actually starts.
I look forward to reading more of this! Please do post on my wall once the next chapter is up!
You keep writing!
-manisha



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Alora says...


Thanks so much for your review, I really appreciate it! Definitely, you will learn the significance of this prologue as the story progresses. I thought about leaving this scene as a 'tale' someone recalls later on, but I felt it better to have the reader see Makaily's experience first-hand. Thanks again for your feedback!



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:47 am
SecreteJournalist wrote a review...



Hi! SecereteJournalist here to review for the Green Lanterns.

I think the easiest way for me to review, is to review by paragraph!

As the breeze hummed across the river, Makaily Lewis tucked her billowing strands of red hair behind her ear. The leaves of the bushland hushed a gentle tune as the sun glistened off the riverbed. The hillside behind them trapped the wind into the clearing, giving it a cool and serene atmosphere.

This intro excited me, I knew this was going to be a good story. I love it!

Makaily lay back under an overhanging tree to admire her boyfriend who was floating in the river. She smiled at that thought. Her fiancé, she corrected herself...ever since last night when he'd gotten down on bended knee. When Andrew had brought her on this camping trip, she had no idea what his true intentions were. She immediately accepted when he proposed to her under the stars.

Totally Romantic <3

Now sensing her stare, Andrew rolled off his back in the water and swam towards her. He came to a halt when he reached waist-deep and he stood up with a grin.The water streamed from his trim torso, his wet blonde hair matted around a smooth face. Makaily's smile widened at the sight. He slowly crept out of the water, his arms extended from his waist like a candidate for wrestle mania. His grin slyly grew.

Add a space between the end of the second and third sentence, and this paragraph will be wonderful!

When his feet hit the pebbly sand, he paused to shake the excess water before his cheeky expression returned. His eyes glistened adoringly, making her feel like the only woman in existence. He let out a playful growl and she giggled while he sauntered towards her. Sitting upright, she quickly pulled him down into an enticing embrace. Their passion slowly grew with every minute of their kiss.

Great... romantic. Cute and sweet.

A sudden cat-call abruptly broke the silence, causing them to pull apart. The calls continued in sarcastic tone, echoing off the hillside that loomed behind them. Makaily's nerves tightened when she saw Andrew's face harden when he peered beyond her. His body tense while he edged to his knees and Makaily mimicked his movements. With anxious curiosity she turned her head to the voices that shouted from the hill.

This is where I knew I would love the story for certain!

She only saw three men at first. As they swaggered down the dusty trail of the hill, more emerged behind them. She counted ten at least. They varied in size but they all wore dark denim clothing. Their arms were exposed, revealing matching tattoos. From what she could see, it was a picture of some sort of skull clutching a decomposing rose.The ruggedness of their jaws and the array of punk hair were enough to make her nervous.

And a space between "rose.The "

She could sense Andrew's caution as it radiated around her like a unnerving blanket. He slowly rose to his feet and held up his hands, "We don't want any trouble."

I would kinda like this to be worded differently, in all gang things, the innocent people usually say they don't want trouble, try wording it differently.

The man that was nearest came to a halt while his friend leaped off the trail behind him. His cracked lips drew into a toothy grin. He folded his arms across his chest, accentuating his tattoo. His hair was jet-black and spiked in every direction while he shook his head, "Well that's too bad."

I think the group should of looked eachother in the eye for an agreement. But that's just me. I like this so far.. a lot!

His voice was deep and intimidating as two more men appeared by his side. The one of his right was gangly, seeming to swim within his sleeveless jacket. His hair was streaked with green and earrings studded every part of his lobe. He spat on the ground while his dark haired friend spoke. The man on the left was far bulkier than his friends. His head was shaved clean, shining in the sun that filtered through the treetops.

Great detail.

More men swaggered around them, many with scraggly long hair and bushy beards that hid their features. They all wore a disturbing snarl as they looked Makaily and Andrew up and down. Makaily hastily got to her feet and shuffled behind her fiancé. Andrew reached back and clutched her waist reassuringly as he asked them, "What do you want?"'

At this point, I couldn't stop reading.

The green haired punk fished out a pocket knife and flicked it open, "Your money of course."

Money.. always the money. Gotta hate money problems xD

Another man emerged through the group, cracking his knuckles while he approached them. His hair was a single strip across his skull, in style of a Mohawk. His eyes burned with malicious intent. Andrew shuffled in front of Makaily more protectively.

The gang seems to fit together, but also stand out. Really nice!

"We don't have any money," he told them nervously, "We just hiked here."

True that.. who brings money with them?

"Then it looks like we're gonna take a field trip," the leader replied.

I feel like the gang does this a lot...

The rest of his group chuckled darkly around him. Makaily couldn't move, her fingers digging into Andrew's side as her uneasiness grew. Her fiancé swallowed slowly and scanned the group that surrounded them. The Mohawk man now revealed another knife as he moved alongside the green haired punk. Andrew gazed at the blades helplessly and held his hands up in surrender, "Okay."

Death... I sense it is near? Your detailing, grammar, spelling, it is perfect!

He took Makaily's hand tightly, keeping her close while they reluctantly made their way towards the trail on the hillside. Makaily's heart was thumping in her chest as the men closed in around them with blended smells of sweat. Their musky scents mixed with their shabby appearance were enough to draw out her anxiety. Andrew glared while they cautiously stepped through the daunting path of gang members. His palm began to sweat as it wrapped tightly around her hand, increasing her apprehension all the more.

Why do bad things happen at the worst of times? Great so far.. great.

"Where's your campsite?" the leader asked gruffly.

Scary stuff so far..

They paused at the base of the hill. Makaily pressed herself against Andrew as the knife wielding men edged closer. Her skin prickled from his close proximity and her instincts told her to run. But there were so many of them and it was her fear that kept her grounded. She warily turned her gaze to the gang leader while Andrew pointed up.

This is where death clicks into place.. yikes!

"Not far, just over the hill here."

Ok, now what?

The dark haired man peered up the hill. He then turned his eyes drolly to his fellow members and announced, "Too far."

Woah, deep shit is about to go down o.O

These two simple syllables turned her stomach cold and she sucked in her breath. There was a scuffle in the dirt behind them and her heart skipped a beat as she flung her head around. Andrew was already spinning on his heels, driving his arms out to shove a man away. His eyes were wide as they flicked to Makaily and he urged her to run. She could see the trepidation within them and it seemed foreign. For a second, her feet refused to move as she watched in disbelief.

How did you think of this? I mean, writers always have inspiration.. what was yours?

She saw Andrew swing another fist and wild punches began flying everywhere. Her pulse raced as her eyes darted around, uncertain of what to do. When she heard Andrew grunt again, the ice in her stomach began to spread. Still in a state of shock, she watched her fiancé collapse to his knees and nurse the back of his head. Suddenly a hairy arm came thrusting down on him, snapping Makaily out of her stupor.

Ouch!

She screamed when Andrew jerked from the blade plunging into his back. Her heart leaped into her throat as he instincts took over. She sprang forward to come to his aid while the hand continued to pound him. Adrenalin coursed through her veins as her fingers clawed at the man attacking her partner. A strong grip suddenly latched around and pulled her backwards off her feet.

I wish I knew what the gang members were thinking or saying at this point... would be interesting if you could think of something.


Her lungs compressed under the tightening grip and she thrashed against the thick torso, her fear now taking full control. She desperately lowered her mouth and sank her teeth into the hairy arm wrapped around her chest. She dug deep, having no mercy for the dirty paws that gripped her. The arm jerked and she wriggled herself free from the hold. She landed clumsily on the ground and fumbled toward the dusty trail that scaled the hill.


Not gonna make it in time..

She'd only got a few steps when something swiped the back of her legs, throwing her onto the ground. She rolled onto her back and gasped at the massive bald man that loomed over her. A nauseating sensation churned her stomach as he grinned deviously and began to lean down. With a roaring shout, Andrew reappeared, springing onto the man's broad shoulders. His face was streaked with blood, his eyes desperate as he wrestled the beast away from her.

Inspiration for this? I wont be sleeping without this thought in my mind xD

The dirt trail hissed as Makaily hastily scuffled backwards. Her breath came in pants as her eyes transfixed on the wrestling men. The bald man looked furious as he turned his wrath on her fiancé. A gust of panic swept over her as she watched more men crowd around her partner. Through the gaps of their legs, Andrew gave her a final look,pleading for her to run.

Add a space between look,pleading

Before she could blink, he disappeared from view amid the circle of gang members. Fists were thrown, legs kicked viciously as her lover grunted in pain. The sound pierced through her chest like the cold stab of an ice pick. She scrambled to her feet, her legs feeling like jelly. Her heart was pumping so fast she found it hard to breath.

She, her, she, her. I see a lot of repetition, which I understand is hard to not do, but I am sure you can change it up a little.

She stood there a second, caught in a moment of confliction. Anger was battling her fear. She wanted to rush over to help him. But her fear was winning, quickly engulfing her to a state of helplessness. Her instincts told her to heed Andrew's plea and run. Her insides knotted taut with her hesitation.

Yikes.. scary thoughts of fear and love.

The Mohawk punk suddenly broke away from the others and snarled at her. Absolute dread flushed through the red-haired girl as she stared back at the monstrous man. With shaking legs, she twisted around and darted for the hillside trail. Her eyes scanned the hill frantically, trying to seek salvage in its rocky levels and darkened caves.

Yep.. I predict things kinda easily, is she gonna die? Probably.


A new rush of adrenalin burst through her when her feet hit the dusty trail. Her small glimmer of hope was vacuumed away when the heavy hand groped her shoulder from behind. Her body stiffened under the touch and she gasped when a burning pain suddenly pierced her ribs. Her panic soared as she peered down in astonishment at the blade embedded in her side. The weapon slowly eased out, sending a warm dribble of blood down her waist. Her legs gave out from under her and she sank down as the pain spread.

She, her, she, her. Too many!

Thick fingers gripped around her legs and reefed her backwards, making her smack the ground face-first. She coughed and spluttered as the dust rose up around her face. She feared she may choke on her heart at any moment. A heavy weight drew down on her legs to keep her pinned to the ground. She blinked through the dusty air to the other men that still circled her fiancé.


Nice.. nice.

The pain in her side was completely taken over by the throbbing pain in her heart. Water stung her eyes as she saw her lover twitch from their violent attacks. She sobbed as the reality set in that they were completely defenceless. Like an animal caught in a bear trap, struggling uselessly against an impending doom.

Defenseless is the correct way to spell it.

Her quiet pleads grew into a wail as she watched them take the life from her one true love. Her cries then choked in her throat to the movement of heavy boots and she was overwhelmed with a sickening dread. The sound of each footstep trembled right through her chest. Pure panic set in and she squirmed desperately under the weight atop of her. Her heart pounded in her ears and she struggled to comprehend the leader's voice.

Last thoughts before death?


"Go check out their camp and get the money."

I wish I would know if his voice had any mercy at all.


A bitter taste invaded her mouth as she wept pleadingly for her life. There was another sharp pain, causing her to whimper with the dust clinging to her tear stained face. Her head was dizzy

with frantic thoughts. Her eyes darted in every direction; reluctant to look but too scared to close them.


I assume you accidently spaced out this? Other than that, good.

Every fibre of her muscles were tensed while she struggled to breath. Her limbs burned with pain while her insides iced with terror. Her instincts still urged her to fight, though her efforts were useless. A hollow feeling of helplessness began to burrow through her chest. She then squeezed her eyes shut in effort to escape the fear and pain...

Fiber is how it is spelt. I like how the end of this ends in a left off kinda thing.

Overall, great story. I loved it, and found little to no mistakes. I tried to be to the point, and I hope I helped!

~Sincerely
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie



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Alora says...


Thank you so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it! It's great to hear your impressions so I know which parts are strong and which need rework. Thanks also for the spelling and editing tips %u2013 repetitiveness is my nemesis so I like having this pointed out to amend.

As for your question about my inspiration? I am a sucker for action stuff. I tend to imagine how I'd react if I were in the situation (I'd probably freeze in fear rather than be a hero)! Your review has really helped me and I'll go back to edit and add on for sure - loved the suggestion on the leader's voice showing no mercy. Thanks again!





No Problem :) Your writing truly is amazing!



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:35 am
Valkyrie17 wrote a review...



Hey Alora! I am here to review your story. :)

This is a great piece as the description has a nice balance between being enough for us to understand and not overwhelming us. It doesn't distract from the action so well done. You could have put more detail into the beginning so we get the know the characters more although, saying that, how it currently is written does give us enough to feel sorry for what is happening to the characters. We're just not crying over them - which is fine since it is just the prologue!

I have enjoyed this storyline and I can't wait for the first chapter and the rest of the tale. However, the prologue should gives us an insight into what may happen later on or set up the story and after reading this I don't know where this story is going. The two characters you have introduced have both died (I presume she dies) so does this means the group of bad guys are going to be the main part of the story? Are they going to be the ones that are causing the disappearances that occur around Jessica and her friends? The attack on Makaily and Andrew seems to be a one off incident and I can't see the connection to the main story.

I did really love this and I think the quality is great (I couldn't spot any mistakes). But my only qualm is that this doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story you have described it is going to be. Maybe I am just jumping the gun and it probably is relevant. It is just bugging me that there seems to be no connection between this couple and Jessica. :)

Well done on the excellent start and keep it up! I am looking forward to reading more of this. :D

~ Valkyire



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Alora says...


Thanks so much for your review! I will certainly take your advice and give more input to these characters (I felt like I'd somewhat neglected them). I completely understand the confusion with this prologue as you are right, it doesn't show significance to the main story. But it will do as it progresses. (I was hoping to post the first chapter so I could introduce Jessica, but it needs rework). More reference will come, if you choose to continue reading. Thanks again for your feedback, I really appreciate it!%uF04A



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:28 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya Alora! I see you're new, so welcome to YWS :D

Okay, so I thought this was really good. When I first starting reading this I could see the romance coming through straight away and thought it'd just be another love story, but I was pleasantly surprised with the turn of events. Even if it wasn't that great for our poor characters, I still think it was a cool idea and I definitely was not expecting that to happen!

I don't think your beginning paragraph is setting the scene as much as it should be. I mean you start it off really well, and it leaves me expecting some more really beautiful descriptions about how peaceful and tranquil it is. That kind of stuff is very relaxing to read, but then it kind of cuts short with some telling rather than showing. It says 'serene atmosphere' but that's not really giving us much right now. HOW is it serene? Is the waterfall flowing in a nice way or something (as you can tell descriptions aren't my strong point). But still, this kind of reminds me of Of Mice and Men, so maybe those sorts of descriptions would be helpful. Just really try and set the scene.

Another bit which I thought was quite rushed was when she mentioned the proposal. He did it under the stars- as romantic as that sounds I still don't think it's enough. Obviously you don't wanna go into loads of detail to make it really soppy, but maybe a bit more about how it happened. And more just about how SHE felt, because it seems to be in her perspective and if we show how she feels then that gives us more to build upon how she feels when Andrew is put in danger.

I was expecting more of a bang when things started to go downhill. This might actually be to do with the lack of description in the first part. Okay so if you put in some really lovely descriptions about the settings and their love, then when all this trouble comes along it will seem more like it's shattering their life. Something I suggest to you is to try and use some shorter sentences at the bit where the action starts to grab the reader's attention a bit more. We've just had some descriptions about other things, but now we're waiting for some action.

Overall, this was a coo story that really did a good job at challenging my expectations. I like how it had different features of love but also something more dangerous in there too, great! I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x



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Alora says...


Thanks for your welcome and review! I%u2019m thrilled to hear the storyline passed your expectations. I will take your suggestions and put in more description to set the scene; both the serene environment and the bond she shares with Andrew, it makes a lot of sense. Your feedback is really helpful. This story will be venturing into places I haven%u2019t gone before, so I appreciate any help I can get. Thanks again!




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