My body is a sculpture
But don't mould it with clay.
For your words hurt like the cuts
I leave on my shredded skin.
My brain is a parchment,
But don't write on it in ink.
For it's to scattered to collect the thoughts
You breathe into my muddled mind.
My heart is a canvas,
But don't draw on it with paint.
For it's to broken to withstand
The love that you can't give.
My eyes were gouged from their sockets,
my lungs ripped from my chest.
My legs broken, bent and snapped
and my heart left beating till
no blood was left.
And forgiveness is a sin,
yet one I will happily commit.
For nobody has ever touched my heart
the way your drawings did.
So, Make patterns on my body
with watercolours.
Sketch your name into my brain
with charcoals.
Sear your love into my heart
with a thousand different colours
and a million different clays.
Because my body is a sculpture
for you to paint.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey there, Nargles. Representing team Green Lantern and also the Knights of the Green Room, I'm here to review.
What really caught my attention and heart about this poem was this passage toward the end:
And what I loved about it was how visual it was. This section is absolutely packed with imagery thanks to strong verbs and concrete nouns. We have patterns, watercolours, sketch, charcoals, sear, colours, and clays, which all evoke different imagery in the reader's mind. This is strong, especially because the narrative of this passage suggests all this color and strength on a human body. Applying such vividness to a human body like a canvas is what clearly comes through here, not from direct mention -- "I am a canvas", but from the idea, from the verbs and the colors, you know?
So that would be my suggestion for the rest of your poem. Take out the obvious and the blunt. It's been done a lot before. I think there was a featured poem just a bit ago that mentioned not being a page for ink to go on or something like that. So it's a common theme, you know? And that doesn't mean you can't write about it. You can write about anything you want. But you also want to engage your reader with new material and new thoughts. We don't want to read the same thing over and over and over again from different people, because often it just uses the same language. That means you have to find a new way to approach this common subject. I think a good starting point is using punchy, body-related imagery to get the reader thinking PHYSICALLY about their own body being a canvas. Then you can bring in your narrative of the two people, one who is the receiver and one who is giving the art.
Before I go, I'd also like to hear more about what made this person so damaged. What gouged out their eyes? What shredded their skin? You don't have to clearly admit to it, but it's like going up to a friend and saying "I broke a bone", and they don't ask how. They would ask how, right? And if you didn't tell them, they'd feel really weird. So your reader here is asking how this girl got hurt, and you're not giving to us. It's a little weird, but we want to hear more! That means we're connected. Take advantage of that.
Hope this review was helpful, love!
PM me or leave a reply if you have any questions or comments about my review!
Hello!
I want to say that I was really drawn by your title. "Water Coloured Body" attracted me first, because it's English with the "u." Second, I thought it was actual "Water colored," not "watercolored." I was curious about what you would say the color of water was. I was a little disappointed, but I like painting tool :3
Can I just say this is like my favorite poem ever? It's so beautifully written, easy to understand, and I love the meaning. I would say my favorite line, but honestly it's the whole poem. As an artist myself, I especially loved all the art analogies. The images are very very vivid, and the emotion is tangible. I also like your emotion and language. It's very professional.
The one complaint I have is that a couple lines messed up your gorgeous rhythm. These are the lines that messed it up for me:
"with watercolours."
"with Charcoals."
"for you to paint."
They're just to short. They curtail the rolling rhythm you had set.
Again, I just am in awe of this. Great job! Keep writing!
~Fortis
NARGLES!
Long time no see!
Happy review day to you, darling!
I am not very good with poetry reviews so I'll leave this as a comment!
For it's to broken to withstand
to is too I guess.
I do not understand what you mean by forgiveness is a sin.
I love reading anything that has the concept of colors or sculpting so I enjoyed this!
These happen to be my favorite lies
"My brain is a parchment,
But don't write on it in ink.
For it's to scattered to collect the thoughts
You breathe into my muddled mind. "
I apologize for not giving you a constructive review!
-manisha
Hey Nargels!
Big error here -- for it's too**
Make should not be uppercased.
Like SecreteJournalist said below, I don't understand. Why did this go from art to grotesque killing? Are you trying to tell us that the man she is in love with is abusive and beats her? I think that can be better explained throughout the poem.
Besides that.. It was lovely. Truly beautiful to read, especially the last stanza. I'm no poet, so I can't help with major things, but in my opinion your flow was steady and smooth. It's a really nice poem!
Keep on writing and BLACK PLAGUE FOREVER.
~Iggy
You are preaching to the choir. The formatting process bites us all in the ass.
You might want to stick this in a spoiler, or italicize it to separate it from the rest of the poem.
I think that these lines needed a comma.
I loved these lines! The language you used was fantastic, in my opinion.
I just think that these lines look better with, "until," instead of, "till".
You speak the truth, my friend. This line is very relatable.
Did you intentionally capitalize this? It looks a little odd.
Is this the English spelling of the word?
This was very good, and well written. Your topic/plot was excellent, and you covered it well.
I've said all I came to say, so I bid you goodnight. I hope this helped.
Yes, colours is spelt with a 'u' so sorry to any of my American followers, but us Aussies tend to follow the British spelling of most words.
Hey, SecreteJournalist here to review for the Green Lanterns!
A pointer for not being able to space out the stanzas, just indent them a few spaces. Should work :]
I absolutely love the concept of this poem, its something I would never have thought about until I read this. A pointer, don't capitalize every line.. just every sentence. It didn't happen alot, but I saw it happen a few times. I don't see any spelling or grammar errors, sorry if I have missed any!
What I don't understand, is the transition from artwork to being killed alive. I think you should spread that out throughout the poem, instead of just one stanza.
Overall, this is a good poem, and with a little improvement, it will be perfect! You did a great job, keep writing, I will keep reading
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie