Hey there, Nargles. Representing team Green Lantern and also the Knights of the Green Room, I'm here to review.
What really caught my attention and heart about this poem was this passage toward the end:
Make patterns on my body
with watercolours.
Sketch your name into my brain
with charcoals.
Sear your love into my heart
with a thousand different colours
and a million different clays.
And what I loved about it was how visual it was. This section is absolutely packed with imagery thanks to strong verbs and concrete nouns. We have patterns, watercolours, sketch, charcoals, sear, colours, and clays, which all evoke different imagery in the reader's mind. This is strong, especially because the narrative of this passage suggests all this color and strength on a human body. Applying such vividness to a human body like a canvas is what clearly comes through here, not from direct mention -- "I am a canvas", but from the idea, from the verbs and the colors, you know?
So that would be my suggestion for the rest of your poem. Take out the obvious and the blunt. It's been done a lot before. I think there was a featured poem just a bit ago that mentioned not being a page for ink to go on or something like that. So it's a common theme, you know? And that doesn't mean you can't write about it. You can write about anything you want. But you also want to engage your reader with new material and new thoughts. We don't want to read the same thing over and over and over again from different people, because often it just uses the same language. That means you have to find a new way to approach this common subject. I think a good starting point is using punchy, body-related imagery to get the reader thinking PHYSICALLY about their own body being a canvas. Then you can bring in your narrative of the two people, one who is the receiver and one who is giving the art.
Before I go, I'd also like to hear more about what made this person so damaged. What gouged out their eyes? What shredded their skin? You don't have to clearly admit to it, but it's like going up to a friend and saying "I broke a bone", and they don't ask how. They would ask how, right? And if you didn't tell them, they'd feel really weird. So your reader here is asking how this girl got hurt, and you're not giving to us. It's a little weird, but we want to hear more! That means we're connected. Take advantage of that.
Hope this review was helpful, love!
PM me or leave a reply if you have any questions or comments about my review!
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