Young Writers Society

Knight Dragon here to review for the Knights of the Green Room.
All right, this is the first line that jarred the flow. "Don’t cry; I don't know if I could bear it." I was flowing smoothly, but the abruptness of this line just grounded me so fast I felt planted. I don't know why, but it felt like it was flowing smoothly, and then someone reached up and grabbed my ankles and pulled me out of the clouds. So maybe consider the reading flow here.
This was the other line that really stuck out to me. "Please don't ever leave; I have been too much alone." The "ever leave" felt like it should have been "leave ever", but that may just be me.
Hope this helps!
In loyal service to writers, Knight Dragon.

Hi Eli! Knight Rydia is here to defend the land and review poetry in the name of The Knights of the Green Room!

Specifics

1. The first line is lovely and sets the scene well while drawing your reader in. The second line is a little stiff and ordinary though. I'd suggest playing with the words a little, maybe use an interesting adjective like:

Your breath is shallow, your face carnelian red.

Here are some more red shades if you're not sure about that one:http://advancedhairstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Red-Hair-Shades-Light-Red-Hair-Color-Dark-Red-Hair-Color.jpg

2.

Do you not see the glittering white sand,

The turquoise waves and the blooming flowers?

Hey, Elinor! Here to represent our lovely Knights with a review for your entry in the contest.
So here's what I have for you. Keep in mind I'm going to be reading this without looking up the Calypso myth-- just reading it as it is.

The first four lines are filled with lovely, concrete plot and imagery, definitely helped along by the bright color red and the texture of waves -- especially the gesture of the hero lying face down. This an extremely strong opening. The glittering sand later in the poem is also strong as a concrete image, and for some reason I feel like this strong and epic of a poem would do well to be accompanied by such strength the entire way through. Lines with only abstraction like "Here eternal peace is in your power" feel too weak contrasted to the strong lines.

The biggest issue with loving this poem, though, is the rhythm and meter. It might because just earlier I was going through KB articles and found mine, but I think where I talk about rhyme could be useful to you here, especially where I reference something I discovered while writing my own poem. So what I'm referring to is "imperfect rhyme", where technically the words rhyme, but the stress is on different parts of the words, so it doesn't really work, like you have here:

Don’t cry; I don't know if I could bear it.

My hero, they say you are the best.

My friend, the way for you is brightly lit.

Hello Elinor.

Hmm. This well written, I am guwssing that you got this from PJATO.

I don't think you should have put"Do you not see the glittering white sand, " But otherwise this poem is very very nice and well written almost every word makes sense and fits and is good as far as I know that is maybe it isn't though.

Loveley poem it fits everything I have heared about Calypso.

~Jonathan~

Hello Eli~
This was a lovely poem.
These are some things I liked about it:
-I really like the story. I know this comes from the Greek story, and that's one of my very favorite myths. I think this adds color and emotion to the story.
-I love your descriptions and imagery. Especially the colors and the descriptions of nature. I think you should add more of these descriptions of a perfect, blossoming, paradise if you do add more. For example, is this the bright, light beauty of spring, the heavy, practically tangible beauty of summer... or something more ethereal...?
-I'm going to say this again, I really feel like you added to the Calypso story while not actually adding information. I feel like I gained a new understanding of this girl and her emotions.
-I liked the structure of you lines, and the punctuation.

Some things I didn't like:
-What is that link? I am confused.
-I liked the subtle rhyming towards the beginning (at first I didn't know it rhymed) but after the beginning, most of the rhymes felt forced to me. I didn't feel like this was a poem that really needed rhymes. It would be just as beautiful, and maybe more powerful without them. You would be less limited in your word choice.
-That being said, with your rhymes, I felt that you needed some kind of rhythm. If you didn't have rhymes... I dunno how I would feel about this, but with them, I'd think about adding some.

I liked this poem
Good job, Keep Writing!

~fortis

Wow, I really like this poem, good work. I have always admired the ancient myths and legends of ancient Greek culture.

Your hands are bruised, blooded.

I'll get you to a bed,

Hello, hero here.

You are a fantastic writer.

With that said I am not quite sure the syllables satisfy the rules of the sonnet but it has been a long time since I wrote one so sorry if they do.
i.e.
Your hands are bruised, blooded.

Seems much like 9 syllables and I believe it should be 10.

Also, the rhyme gets a bit messed up here. Should be ryhmeing with waves or vise-versa
_

Parts of this poem seemed forced due to the structural rules of the sonnet as-well..
i.e.
Your breath is shallow, food you cannot taste.

'food you cannot taste' just doesn't stand alone very well in your split up line.
_
I think you kinda leave the next lines with little explanation.

Don’t cry; I know something that cannot be said.
_
I also think you leave to much to unanswered questions. Like why or how you where banished. If its already a story that's still a problem because your poem doesn't stand by yourself and it really should.

___

The way you write, however, is simply eloquent. I think firstly the sonnet was not the best choice for a re-write unless it is perfect. The sonnet doesn't leave too much room to work with, and I think you need some of that room to just say what you need too. That's the real flaw I see in this poem. I think its great, personally, because of the way you wrote it.

I hope you understand, this review was written with love-

-hero

Ahhhh Greek mythology, such romantic stuff. I love it.

Perhaps my love of the stuff is making me biased, but i just loved this poem. It was cutting, it was sweet, and the rhythm of it was just perfect.

You seemed to have nice punctuation to, and grammar wasn't too off.

My favourite line: "But do you see the glittering white sand,

The turquoise waves and the blooming flowers?"

This line caued me to visualise beauty through flowers. Heheh.

Legy.

I like this piece a lot and I'm so excited to review it.

What I liked:

1. The story. You kept true to the greek myth, but put a beautiful take on it. Great work.

2. The flow. You did a great job creating this as a sonnet. It didn't seem choppy and read so well.

3. The imagery. You did really well planting images in my head. They were very direct.

What I didn't like:

1. The language. I think while you were descriptive you were very direct. Your words didnt posses the elegance that I think this poem deserves. Try finding other words for things like blooming white and blood.

Overall:
You did very well in capturing the beginning of the story of Calyspo and her interactions with Odyseus. Great work!