Young Writers Society

Great job with this. You are a great writer!

I really enjoyed reading your story. It sounds like it's going to be an interesting read, but you should consider changing a few things for example: "My pulse rate gradually decreased" it would sound better if you said "My pulse gradually decrease". Also when you say "Harsh, brutal. Inhuman." you should have gone Harsh, brutal, inhuman.

All in all, it look to be a very interesting read. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Sincerely Trudeau44

That was very interesting, and I couldn't help but like it since I like the name Kira. But there are a few narrative things that I think could be improved.
Starting with "I slid off my mattress and crossed over to the door mirror" I felt you could have used another phrase behind 'door mirror' to draw attention to the fact that you're transitioning out of the dream (or vision, whatever it is). I didn't pick up on that, and thought the girl being described was someone else in the room. It wasn't until after I reread the paragraph trying to pick out the confusing sentences that I realized you were describing Kira. And then "A loud curse made me jump back in surprise. Pain flared in my thigh as I bumped the nightstand." ??? You say nothing about her moving around at all, but suddenly there's a nightstand and she's cursing because she bumped into it? Why did she bump into it? I can understand the style, and it's fine if you keep that sentence that way, but if you do please go back and describe the room in a little more detail; readers need more description. Ditto for Kira's bed. She's in a bedroom, yes, and it's assumed that a bedroom has a bed, but could you at least describe it a little bit? Suggestion: have Kira sit up and glance over her bed, then look around the room before getting up. But to go back to the nightstand, if you keep the sentence that way please tell us why she bumped into it. Now this next part was the most confusing section in the chapter.

"Kira?"

I croaked in response.

Who is the speaker? I know people (or Javulans) don't typically give a 'response' unless they've been spoken to first, but it almost felt like she was croaking "Kira" in response to something [like running into the nightstand]. And then this speaker is somewhat important in that there's a mini-conversation that goes on, and it appears Kira is friends with this other girl. What's her name? What does she look like? Does she come into the room, or are they just speaking to each other through the door? Does the door even get opened at all? Those are just a few of the questions that need to be answered with more description.
Ibid Olive's statement that the time period needs to be talked about a little more. Is this a blend of "ancient"/modern? Or do they just carry knives and such to protect themselves? Is there an age restriction for who can carry a gun (since Kira's thirteen, it would make sense that she's probably not old enough to carry).
Last major glaring thing I found. With the wolf scene, she's struggling with the wolf and then, all of the sudden, "Hey, they both can use magic." ??? Really? You should have at least introduced the magical abilities concept in the italics section. If Kira's really flailing around and panicking like you're describing, then she should have at least thought about using her magic, if not attempted to use it. If magic is a fallback for these creatures, then that should have been brought up, dream/vision or no.
And you don't really describe what the magic is, or how it works. It's just "I'm gonna bury this wolf in dirt," and then "Ope, no, not happening. Wolfy's pretty strong." Is it a battle of the wills? Telepathic/mental struggle? What? So please describe. And then with those "Someone come. Anyone come.", you make Kira sound almost apathetic to her fate. "Oh, I need some help. Gee, I wish someone would come. Oh well, guess they're not." That's what it feels like with periods. Use some explanation points!!! They're on the keyboard for a reason! Or, they're on the keyboard for a reason. [<- has a different feel to it, doesn't it?]
And on that note, is that a telepathic cry for help? Because if it is, you should give at least one precursor sentence where Kira thinks about her telepathy.

After glancing through some of the other reviews, I realized that Scarlet is another character. Now, I will be honest and admit that when I first read through this, I thought Kira was blushing (that's just how it struck me at the time). So if you added ", my friend," or something like that after the word "Scarlet", I think that would make things a little more clear.

Hope this helps!

Hello there! Here to review your work on this marvellous review day! I will review as I read so that it will make a little more sense to both me and you. I tend to get mixed up otherwise.

Here goes!

“Twisting into my brain like a blunt needle.” I loved this imagery. It's powerful and kinda makes you wince for the character.

“I tore off more tubes in paroxysms of agony, screaming through a gag.” - WOAH! What an earth does paroxysms mean?! Someone's swallowed the thesaurus Maybe you could think about making your adjectives more accessible to every reader.

“Her chuckle sounded like a choir of snakes.” - I also love this description. It's original and clever.

WOAH! Where did the attacker go?! I'm already really interested in knowing what on earth is going on here. Great job in grabbing the readers attention and keeping it.

I'm not really sure I like the way that chapter 1 seems to be totally unrelated to chapter 2. I also would like to know what time zone this is set in! It has T.Vs but then young girls go around carrying hunting knives with them?

I'm dying to know who this scarlet character is as well who just randomly popped up!

Good Luck! I look forward to reading some more soon!

Olive <3

Hi Gold!

Aaaah do you know how much I hate it when I'm reading something in a story then it turns out to be a dream? No I'm just kidding I don't hate it, but it always leaves me a bit confused, which is good! I think a real strong point in Part 1 of this was your descriptions of the dream. I genuinely felt a bit scared for this girl even though I know nothing about her, that's great! Also I think generally this is written pretty well. I was engaged in it the whole time, and it's left me with a lot of questions!

As for improvements, I think it's more that part 1 is really good and then part 2 falls flat a bit. I think a reason for this is there isn't as much descriptions in the second half and I got a bit confused. Is she in some sort of field? I think this could've been described in loads more detail because I know you can describe in good detail! Maybe also use the five senses to describe what's going on.

Another thing is I didn't realise that this story was going to include magic in it and it's kind of just thrown into the story. I think this needs to be properly introduced and described a bit more because magic isn't exactly the type of thing that's in the norm, and people aren't expecting it, it also leaves me feeling a bit confused. So, maybe you could just add in a bit more info about why there's magic, who's got magic etc.

Also, I'd like to see more description about the wolf-like creature right at the end, because I wasn't quite sure what it was. Perhaps a bit more of an explanation about why she can take on a wolf and not this thing. You have to remember that when you're writing this, you may know about these details but the readers only know as much as you tell them!

Overall, this is good, please let me know when you post up some more! I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like anotehr review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x

This is good and your story is intriguing. I can't wait to find out more about this world that you've created and I looooooooove magic, so when she started casting spells I was jumping for joy. I'll just outline a few grammatical points that you may want to give a look.

"It's a little dark in here, isn't it?" Her voice reverberated throughout the room.

When writing speech, if you have a bit of speech followed by a statement describing who said it, that is all one sentence and, therefore, the 'Her' should have a lowercase letter because you shouldn't have a capitol letter in the middle of a sentence.

Light pierced my pupils, red and yellow from behind my eyelids. Twisting into my brain like a blunt needle.

Hi Flame!
manisha here to review!
Firstly, I think you do not need to make this as two chapters. It is perfect length for a single chapter.

Maybe you are trying to be vague here and not give away much right away. I love that but I find it strange that when Kira wakes up from her dream she has no thoughts about it. You do not necessarily have to tell us what the significance of the dream is but it will be better if you add a thought or two on how Kira reacts after she wakes up from the dream. Is she scared? Is her heart beating wildly as an aftermath of the dream(if it was a nightmare).

A loud curse made me jump back in surprise. Pain flared in my thigh as I bumped the nightstand.

"Kira?"

I croaked in response.

"Sorry, I'd stubbed my toe." Scarlet entered without permission, tripping over a hundred things on the way. "What are you doing up?"

Hey Valkyrie here to leave a review!

This looks to be like a promising story but it seems a bit all over the place at the moment. In terms of grammar and spelling I can't see any mistakes jumping out at me so you don't have to worry about that. I think you should make this just one chapter instead of having two really short sections.

I like what you have set up here however you should try putting in more detail to make your chapter last longer. You don't have to describe the whole story straight away yet we need a bit more detail about what is going on. Where are the characters? What kind of world is this? More description on her powers/abilities and is her friend the same as her?

You just need to flesh this piece out with some more detail to make it flow better and to give more depth to the story. If you need any helps with specific bits feel free to message me!

Overall, this can lead to be a great story and I am looking forward to reading more.
~ Valkyrie