Young Writers Society

Hey Leo, Black here for a quick review day Review!

Okay, so this was interesting -but not like the last piece that I read. Personally I don't like old English. I don't enjoy it. I find it hard to understand, and when I read something written in it it feels like it came from another time (in not a good way). It's a hard way of writing as well. If you simply MUST write in old english then that's cool! Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly okay! I really do love the imagery and words you use!

I just have problems with understanding the whole thing. Piecing it together. I think part of the problem is that you have NO punctuation AT ALL! Then the other part is that you are really awkward with Old English. I'll do a quick section of review on both of those two! I'll do what I can to help you out and get you what you need! But remember to actually follow up on what I say -otherwise I might have not said it!

For your 'Old English' problem. Well this is your problem: You're awkward with it, putting it together in hard-to-understand ways. I don't like that! You also don't really use it correctly. I advise you to do a couple different things: Read up on Old English (P.S. If you're not using OE then you should know that it sounds like it -but I assume you are). Learn a bit about how it works -as a language (or doesn't work). You also could do well if you read your pieces aloud to yourself before you posted them.

Really: It's a good idea. Read it aloud to yourself! Most all writers do it, and they do it for a reason! Reading a piece aloud to yourself helps you dig out all of the mistakes which you can't find by just thought-reading it (hey! I do it!). Definitely something you should do! Here are a couple of mistakes you WOULD have found if had done it! They come out SO easily when you read it out to yourself! Here they are:

My only love is what beauty look
E’en maidens of fairest youth surpass

When to lay; delivered some angel kiss
This love I behold then heart canst be sore?

Hey! Cailey here from the Green Lanterns to hand out a review that you asked for. I hope I can be of some assistance to you.

Sonnets. Yay for sonnets. I remember trying to write my first sonnet, and it was so frustrating and nearly drove me insane. I started about twenty before finally finishing one that I was happy enough to turn in to the teacher.

So I've only ever really studied and written Shakespearean sonnets, which are fourteen lines written in iambic pentameter. You've got fourteen lines, and your rhyme scheme is right and even and all, but I'm not sure if you got the iambic pentameter.

First of all, I don't know if you've ever heard the term, and if you had I don't know how much you know about it. I certainly don't want to end up lecturing you about something you've already heard, that would be really annoying.

So I'll just quickly say that iambic rhythm means one syllable is not stressed, and the second is. Not stressed, stressed, not stressed, stressed, and so forth. If you've never heard of this I suggest you look it up, or ask me about it and I'll give you some more information. But I think the rhythm is a big part of a sonnet.

If you have heard of it and meant to do that (since some of your lines do follow iambic pentameter, and most of them do have five feet) I suggest reading this out loud. Obviously when you read a poem you just read it, but while you figure out how it works try and read it by overstressing the second syllable of each foot.

dan DAN dan DAN dan DAN dan DAN dan DAN, and see which lines match up and which ones don't. Each line should sound something like that. (Only with words.)

Also, you've got some awkwardly worded sentences, no doubt just put there because you were trying to get the right number of syllables and the right rhyme at the end of the line.

I hope this helped some, let me know if you have any questions or comments or anything at all.

I really do applaud you for tackling a sonnet, you said this was your first, right? Cause you did a great job. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I love the phrase: 'Delivered some angel kiss'. It's really good and sweet.

So yeah, keep writing. Go Green Lanterns!



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Hiya Leo! Here to review as asked~

So I've recently kind of had this revelation that I don't completely hate poetry. Well I didn't hate it as such, but I just didn't quite get it, but now I think I do! But enough of me rambling, onto the review. Whenever I see a sonnet I always just think Shakespeare! Anyways, I'll start off with what I thought were the strong points of this and that's the language you've used, I thought it sounded quite nice and was appropriate to the topic you were talking about.

My first point to bring up is about the rhymes in here, the problem was not that it seemed forced or anything, it's more just they're a bit oddly placed. I mean it's not in an actual consistent form, which leaves them there a bit randomly, and they don't have the same effects that rhymes should- and for me it kind of distracted me from the rest so perhaps rhyming isn't completely necessary here!

Okay so punctuation in poetry has always confused me to the max, and I know some people don't like to use any at all but here there doesn't seem to be much which doesn't leave many spaces for pauses. You also have to remember a line break does not mean a pause, and if it doesn't feel like the end of a sentence then it'll just run on without a pause and it makes all the lines run on. So basically, some more commas, full stops, dashes etc. I say just read it aloud and see where it feels natural to do this.

My only love is what beauty look

Her gentle touch is what heaven feel

For lived none, fairer than me bonny lass

Hi again! I found your other poem It puzzles me as to why no one else has commented on it! Your poems are so good.

Anyways, again I see not punctuation, grammar or spelling mistake (kudos).

My only advice to you is that you should try and experiment with other forms of poetry. Maybe even expand your poetry to more than 1 stanza as these feel as if they should be written in a Shakespearean Sonnet style which is written as follows: 3 four-line stanzas. The last stanza has 2 lines. Each line has 10 syllables and has a rhyming pattern of a-b-a-b-c-d-c-d-e-f-e-f-g-g) It would really make your writing stand out.

Also, the use of the word 'cuddle' really doesn't fit in with the era of the poem. Maybe change that to 'embrace'

Keep Writing