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Young Writers Society



Innocuous Evil

by TriSARAHtops


It would be days before they saw the blood. Splattered on the dusty wall at the end of an even dustier alleyway, it almost looked like another piece of scrawled graffiti.

Almost.

The alleyway was not special. Like any other alleyway in the city, or any other city, for that matter, it sat between two brick shops, both somewhat decrepit by age, but by no means left to rot. Each day, people, ordinary customers, business people and tourists, walked in and out of both shops, but not into the alleyway. Why would they? It wasn’t the sort of alleyway that led anywhere, or that held fashionable boutiques or hip bars. For the occasional person who glanced sideways down this innocuous alleyway from the street that lead everywhere and nowhere, its end was as easy to see as it was unextraordinary. All that could be seen was the back of the building behind the two brick shops; an accounting firm, or a stockbroker’s, or a real estate agency. Something as commonplace as this alleyway.

The walls of the alleyway were plastered with posters for concerts, and music festivals, and the shows of comedians. Some, old and faded, had been there for so long that the events they promoted had long faded in the memories of those who had attended them. Others, bright and shiny, barely touched by the dust of the alleyway, showed dates that were yet to come.

The floor of the alleyway was covered in dust and grime, the result of simply being a part of a city. Plastic wrappers and cigarette butts adorned the edges of the alleyway, creating a border of litter. Glass and plastic bottles also found their way into this border, some of which still contained the remnants of an unfinished drink, whereas others were remnants themselves. A dumpster surrounded by dark green rubbish bins surveyed the alleyway like a fortress surrounded by plastic turrets.

It was not a clean alleyway, but it was no dirtier than any of the thousands of others that lived in hundreds of cities around the world. Like many such alleyways, it was a much-loved target for wielders of spray cans. The brick walls, plastered with a patchwork of posters as they were, were also painted in an intricate, even beautiful, street art, hastily scrawled tags, and a myriad of graffiti in between. At night, this graffiti was essentially invisible, with the steady, unflinching light of the street lamps, which illuminated the footpaths just well enough for the occasional pedestrian to be able to see ahead, but not well enough to be able to reach into the depths of the alleyway.

A brief beam of light perused the alleyway as a worker from one of the shops stood out from one of the doors which dotted the walls of the alleyway, amongst the posters and the graffiti. He took the seven hasty steps it took to reach one of the bins, then opened the lid, and shoved the garbage bag he was clutching into it. It hit the bottom with the sound of plastic containers and tin cans clanging. At this sound, the worker, who was in truth, no older than a boy, looked around. It wasn’t especially late, but at this time of the year, darkness came early. Even still, the streets beyond the alleyway were empty, at least from where the boy stood. As he rushed inside, unnerved by the dark, the boy had failed to realise one crucial thing.

This was a city. The streets of a city are never empty.

Never entirely.

It was not the darkness which should have made the boy feel uneasy, rather what the darkness held. Only hours after the boy had closed the door on the alleyway, another person entered it. Or rather, two people entered, although the second wasn’t so much a person, as a corpse. No dramatic drops of crimson blood dripped from the corpse to the grimy floor of the alleyway, and the person, the living one, didn’t leave so much as a footprint in the dust. Later, they would only find evidence of the scared boy, and the world would turn him into the very image of evil. They would be wrong, of course, but that didn’t matter, not now. As the corpse was carried to the darkest end of the alleyway, its carrier began to wonder what would happen in the aftermath. This person’s ponderings weren’t a result of fear of being caught, not as such, but rather a scientific, experimental kind of curiosity. The person was too careful, too clever, to be found out.

The corpse was gently laid on the ground, and hidden with the utmost care, before the killer left one final message on the wall of the alleyway. One final message, in blood.

It would be days before they saw the blood. When they finally did, and they saw what had been written, they would never had guessed that this was not the end of the terror, and neither was it the beginning.


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User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 381
Reviews: 7

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Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:12 am
Dreamersarebelievers wrote a review...



Hello,

I just want to say wow. I have to admit I really live mystery/suspense stories. I have always been the girl who watches all those crime shows on TV and I love to read Stephan King and Dean Koontz so to see someone write an original story like this, it's just wow. Ok enough about me, on to the review...

I noticed that your introduction was well described and put together but it was a bit long. Try to avoid this because it will bore and tire out the reader, leaving them pressing the back button. You don't want that, so try and keep your introduction sorry but packed with lots of detail. I also noticed that you favored the word allyway, I agree that this is a good word but you used it like a million times (ok I may be over exaggerating a bit) but still you get my point. Hopefully. When you use a word over and over you are just repeating yourself, that will also make the reader click the back button.

Ok what to rant about now... (taps chin in thinking position) oh I got it! Where is the charterer background? Why is this person a killer, what made him start to kill? I just don't know
What about the body that was found, the boy? When you introduce a story with a character like this you need to give us the reason to feel fear from the character (hope that makes sense). Let's say I wrote a short story about a mean brother (using this cause I do have a mean brother) any how, let's say I tell the reader that the brother was mean. This just tells you instead of shows how he is mean, instead I should say something like 'the brother grabbed his sisters books and the them to the floor, snickering when she bent to pick them up'. Better right, this last sentence shows you how the brothers mean instead of telling.

I really think that this has great potential and I think that you are an experienced writer who knows what they want, so if you want to read my review and throw it out the window (not literally since thus is online) be my gust. I just hope you read what I typed up and take it into consideration. Remember the basics to writing and you'll be fine.

Dreamersarebelievers
-------- -
"when the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will then know peace"




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69 Reviews


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Thu Aug 15, 2013 5:51 am
WillowCutz wrote a review...



'AY, Willow C. Here
I apologize in advance for my personality.

First off, be careful with the long description in the beginning. It sets the scene perfectly, but it can make people turn the back button on their computer. So just be careful of that.

Next I don't understand the title. Not everyone has a large advanced vocabulary. Always talk down to the audience's point of understanding. If ye be talking to pirtates you'd trying to say as many rrrrr's as possible and when you talk to children you don't say stupid. Consider the following: If I were a polititian in a country of poor people I wouldn't try to confuse them with big fancy words, they get ripped off enough like that by their insurance companies. If thy don't unders what good I'm trying to do for them I would never get a chance to do it.

It'd be good to describe the real culprit. Give us a reason to fear or a reason to wonder about how he became a murderer. And perhaps a description of the body and boy. You did so well setting up the alley I was a bit let down at the point it was leading up to. If you want me to read a three page article on potatoes, there better be a five scoop ice creammto follow it. Kapish?

Peace out, write well, Praise the llama overlord.
-Willow C.




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Thu Aug 15, 2013 4:41 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Sarah!

Shady here with a review for you tonight (morning?)-- depending on how you call midnight. xD

Don't worry, though. I'm still mostly awake. ;)

dustier alleyway, it almost looked like another piece of scrawled graffiti.

Almost.

The alleyway was not special. Like any other alleyway in the city, or any other city, for that matter, it sat between two brick shops, both somewhat decrepit by age, but by no means left to rot. Each day, people, ordinary customers, business people and tourists, walked in and out of both shops, but not into the alleyway. Why would they? It wasn’t the sort of alleyway that led anywhere, or that held fashionable boutiques or hip bars. For the occasional person who glanced sideways down this innocuous alleyway
~ In eight sentences, you use the word 'alleyway' six times. That is far too many, and it continues on further, I noticed, as I glanced across the work before properly reading it. Perhaps try synonyms, and/or rephrasing your sentences so that you don't have to use that word? Unless, of course, you use it so often for some sort of dramatic effect (if that is the case, then you should be very careful with it-- and make it more of a central theme. Include 'alleyway' in the title, mayhaps, if you are trying to use it for a dramatic punch?)

However~

I like the way you vary your sentences. I am a firm believer that one should use short sentences as well as long, and you did a very good job of mixing them together (and properly punctuating!). Your good grammar and spelling is a balm on this Grammar Nazi's wounds. ;)

its end was as easy to see as it was unextraordinary.
~ Um, that's not a word. That's, like, a contradictory word in and of itself. 'Extraordinary' means above and beyond the ordinary. Something spectacular. 'Un' is the opposite of whatever follows it. So it is 'un'-spectacular. Therefore, it is~ ordinary.

A brief beam of light perused the alleyway
~ Not sure this is what you mean, either. 'Perused' means 'to read or examine carefully'. Just pointing that out. c:

(Thesaurus.com is very helpful. c: )
~

This is a good piece. I don't say that about many that I read. But yours is. It looks like you've got a promising plot, and you definitely write with skill. You vary your sentence length and structures, have good vocabulary (for the most part ;)), and properly punctuate. As I mentioned above, that makes me very happy. < 3

Keep rocking!

~Shady 8)

P.S. Let me know if you need any more help. c:





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