Zenith
There was no doubt in her mind that she was about to die. She did not know how. In what form. By who. But she had never been more sure of anything in her life.
It had taken her twenty minutes to walk all the way round from the council towers. It was physically impossible to do it in 180 seconds, even at the fastest of sprints.
But she didn’t stop running. Why had she even left in the first place? It was more of an angry, rhetorical thought. The fury erupted once more within her. She knew damn well why.
The alleys were utterly silent. No one. Not one person. Her bare feet slammed off the diamond tiles as sweat shined on her forehead, silver hair streaking out behind her like the tail of an interstellar comet.
But then she saw it. A gate in the high wall to her right. She had reached the first few council towers. These had to be the homes of some of the most important dignitaries in Marlaya, she thought absently, a wild hope erupting inside her mind. Without a second thought she threw herself at the gate, why lock a door when you were in a world of no crime? A short-cut. It had to be. Never mind if it was private property.
She was in a vast courtyard. In the centre was a beautiful fountain, twisting upwards into the shape of a serpentine dragon. It sparkled eerily in the gloom. She checked her wrist again. Cutting directly across the private courtyards would completely cut out the winding, curving root that had taken her so long. She could make it.
So quiet.
She scurried across the silent square, holding her breath, not daring to even look up at the sinister tower looming over her. She launched herself at the far wall, the tips of her fingers just making it over the edge. With a soft cry of exertion she managed to haul herself onto the narrow ledge. Another three courtyards stretched out before her.
She was taking a slow breath, readying herself to lurch once more into a sprint across the next square, when something made her look to her left. Some sudden urge.
It took her several seconds to realise what she was looking at. Not at. Through. She was looking through a window across a pillared balcony that was almost level with her on the tower. It was clearly a bedroom, lit by the soft golden light of several lanterns. But all she could see was the person standing in its centre.
It was a boy, his muscled chest bare as he fiddled with something hanging round his neck. It was some kind of medallion, secured over his heart by a slender silver chain. Koretta found herself staring at his face. He had to be maybe nineteen rotations old, his thick hair a pale golden colour, like starlight. Such chiselled features. A strong jaw, perfect nose, long eyelashes. Though she was within touching distance of the balcony she couldn’t make out his eyes, the delicate shadows just a fraction too tight. There was a fierce concentration on his face as he turned a thin wiry tool into the centre of the medallion. It beeped three times before shining with a sudden blue light that seemed to coat his golden skin in an ethereal glow.
Her breath caught. As her hand flew up to her mouth, the boy looked up.
A flash of surprise passed over his face and for half a second they just stared at each other, but then he surged forwards.
‘Hey!’ He stepped out onto the balcony. ‘Who-?’
But she took a running leap off the wall, panic searing through her. She didn’t look back until she had dropped into the final courtyard, crossing it in seconds and collapsing over the side of the far wall. She just crouched there in the alley for several seconds, trying to steady her racing heart. But another glance at her wrist set her off sprinting once more.
It was with barely ten seconds to spare that she finally burst through the entrance to her father’s tower, falling to her knees and trying not to retch. She pressed her forehead to the cool diamond and focused on breathing.
‘Koretta.’
Breathe. Breathe.
‘Koretta.’
She wearily got to her feet. Well, at least he had changed out of those damn robes. Her father was standing in the centre of the hallway, an expression of utter outrage burning in his electric blue eyes.
‘What the hell were you thinking?’ he snapped. She didn’t answer.
‘Do you want to live to see your seventeenth rotation, or not? Is this some sort of twisted death wish?’
For a moment she merely stared at his thin lips, but then she suddenly realised what he had just said.
‘Death wish,’ she said abruptly, stepping forwards, her eyes wide. He looked slightly alarmed, opening his mouth to yell again, but she cut him off.
‘So your saying if you violate the curfew… you die? Is that what you’re saying? It is, isn’t it?’ She was shouting now, an inexplicable excitement coursing through her.
‘Don’t be absurd,’ he snapped, whirling around and storming into the Gallery. She surged after him.
‘What happens if you break the curfew? Is it the Elder Guards? Do they wake up? Or is there some kind of secret police?’
‘Silence,’ he bellowed, turning on her, his deep voice echoing up towards the arched roof so far above.
‘Why do you never answer my questions?’ she yelled at him, almost shaking with rage, ‘do you really have so much respect for the damned Elders? You’ve never even met them? Why are you keeping their secrets?’ But there was something about the expression on his face that brought her up short. ‘Wait… you don’t know… do you?’
His jaw was clenched, eyes wide with fury. But he said nothing.
‘You don’t know what happens after the curfew, no one does.’ She took another step forwards, searching his face, her heart racing. ‘Answer me.’
‘It’s more complicated than that Koretta-’
‘What’s so complicated?’
‘Listen… you will say nothing about these things in public, you will stop asking questions… do you understand me?’ She had never heard his voice so dangerous, never seen such an expression of dark severity on his face ever before. And it frightened her. All she could do was nod imperceptibly as he bellowed.
‘You will go to your room right now, and in the morning, you will accompany me to the Great Council. You will not speak unless spoken to and only with my express permission… Now, leave.’
Koretta backed away slowly, paling under the wrath bleeding from his eyes. She didn’t turn away until she was back in the entrance hall, his motionless silhouette still watching her from the darkness, imprisoned in the weak lantern light.
Slowly, she implored herself, walking calmly up the spiral stairway. Her emotions were in utter turmoil, but she forced herself to wash quickly, change out of her study uniform, and finally slide under the thick feather duvet of her four-poster bed.
Some way to start her seventeenth rotation, she thought bitterly, glancing at her wrist. All she could think about, however, was not the wild anger and frustration at her father, not the Great Council she would be attending in mere hours, or even the Elders. Ramming itself behind her eyes was the boy’s face. She longed to know what he had been doing with the strange medallion, the strength of her curiosity overriding the humiliation and embarrassment at being caught watching him minutes before the curfew, perched on top of the diamond wall outside his home as he stood there half-naked. She pulled the covers higher up her face, toes curling. And would she ever see him again?
Her studies at the Marlayan Academy were in a priority class of only five others. And none of them did she call a friend. All of them seemed to be carbon copies of the adults, blind to the illusion of reality. She had spent eleven rotations now studying the core knowledge units mandatory to all citizens: philosophy, ethical morality, religion, epistemology…
She couldn’t care less about any of it.
Finally, her turbulent thoughts began to unravel and she fell into a half-dream state, her breathing becoming mechanical.
But far away in the creeping gloom, at the heart of Marlaya, a diamond gate slid back. For the first time in centuries, the outside air collided with the cold metal chest, the clenched fists, the sleek helmet, the whirring mechanical joints…
And the Elder Guard blinked.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Empress, once again, Louis here to review.
Killer first line. It's very powerful, drew me right in, kept me reading. Good job, it achieved what you wanted it to achieve. Although I would have preferred it if you kept that tension high. When you're in a situation of extreme peril, you're not really thinking, if you see what I mean. You're more focused on your steps, your breath pounding, perhaps you're not sure where you're really going. I would have liked you to keep going on that, have us really experience her adrenaline rush. Added more color to that scene somehow, included more details other than the pounding of her feet/sweat, which is kind of predictable and boring (albeit necessary). This whole chapter is adrenaline charged, and should be kept so.
You did, in some form, manage to keep the tension going in the courtyard scene. Your description here is -- rightly so -- very minimal. Time is running out, you're fearing for your life, naturally you wouldn't stop to look at a pretty courtyard. Maybe, to make things even more powerful, you could exaggerate the description, or emphasize on some details, like the play of light and shadow. Something to see through her eyes so that we can fully experience how frightened she is. The courtyard scene was good, however, for the same reason, I think the attention she pays to the guy is a bit out of place... maybe? I'm not really sure. It could be plausibly justified, but at the same time I feel, again, when you're running for your life, you're not really paying attention to the hot guys.
And now once again, the conversation with the father. He seems to be always very angry. This is understandable, considering there's an important day coming up, and no doubt in a position like his, he's very stressed. I also like how he hints at things. I'm not sure what he's hinting at, but he's definitely hinting, and it's promising. Overall, my general impression of this argument is... well, I'm not sure what my overall opinion is. It seems to be, generally speaking, a well written argument. Generally, that's how an argument would play out, yet at the same time I think it could somehow be edited to be smoother, more brazen and aggressive. If you asked me what specifically I would like to see changed I couldn't say, it's really just a general impression. One tiny nit-pick about this, you use '' instead of speech marks (""), it's actually not optional, but a mistake to use them. Another nit pick:
tsk-tsk. Should be 'you're'
And now, post argument. This should be the moment when all of Koretta's tension is released. In a situation like this, I'd personally be too exhausted to think. There's a lot of thinking going on here, and in the chapters in general, which is usually good, however in this case, you sacrifice actions for thinking. I would like to see her, I dunno, roll around in her bed, pound her fists against it, maybe cry a little bit, or simply sit there, staring blankly at nothingness. Thoughts alone cannot give us insight into a character's personality.
I suppose now, on another note, the fact her thoughts are turning back to the boy is justified. Maybe after she's let out her pent up tension somehow, her mind would travel back to something else, and hot, mysterious boys do relieve boredom rather well.
And then for no apparent reason she considers her school. That's very random, and not fully justified by 'her turbulent thoughts'. Even though the brain does function in an apparently random way, I still think, especially (barring exceptions) in literature, the reader needs to see a connection to understand why she's suddenly going from hot boys to school. And instead of mentioning her turbulent thoughts, show us her turbulent thoughts. Snatches, fragments, until then she collapses into a fitful sleep.
And then, we have the closing paragraph. I like the closing paragraph. Quite a lot, in fact. You have a flair for dramatic ends and beginnings, kinda like I do
Using 'but' is not correct, as this is not a disjunctive clause -- you're not denying or contradicting (or whatever) another sentence, you're introducing a new one, therefore and would be correct, or even without the and, though I think the and would reinforce the connection I was talking about before.
Overall, this is still a good chapter. It simply needs to be smoothed out, the edges polished, beefed up a tad, as with your other chapters. Keep up the good work
~Ita
Hi Empress,


So a little birdy told me to look at your stories, and I have been reading to catch up with what is happening so far! I think it all looks good from what I've read. I think you've done a good job of laying everything out for us. I know what the area looks like, what the relationship with her father is like and how much she firsts for knowledge. But now I want more detail into this layout.
I want to know more about how Koretta feels with everything. Yes, she is frustrated when she comes short of answers, and yes she is scared of her dad when he uses his harsh tones. But you tell us this. Maybe she clenches her fists as she speaks or spittle flies out of her fathers mouth as he yells. These little details can be pretty simple, but they /show/ us the things you are telling us about. And all this imagery helps improve the story.
Nice suspense at the ending of the chapter. I love how it's one line all on it's own. We've heard so much about the Elder's, now we actually want to get some answers ourselves. This ending makes it seem like the next chapter is something I need to read. (Don't worry, I shall in time!)
It seems really weird that no one knows what happens if you break the rules. Surely Koretta is not the only one who is curious? Maybe other people have dared to bend the rules and the aftermath has been hushed up for all we know. A mystery like this usually hooks the reader. But maybe Koretta isn't alone in her curiousity? Maybe there are other people there her age, or at least one person, or thing she talks to, so it helps release all her pent up curiousness. As well as that there is the mystery around the boy she saw as she ran towards home. Another interesting addition to what's happening.
Mostly the transitions between your chapters are good. There was one I noticed towards the end that seemed like an "information drop." Something you didn't know where else to put it. At one point Koretta's all curled up in bed thinking about the boy she fleetingly passed on the street. She's questions herself and then... that line of thought drops and she's thinking about school. We get some information (pretty suddenly) on how the school works. And then we're told that she doesn't care about it. I felt like that transition wasn't smooth at all and you need to put something in there so that the jump between the two topics isn't so large. It needs to be a bit more manageable
Her Dad is an interesting character. I wonder what drives you to do things that you're doubtfully believing in and unsure of the consequences. Looking forwards to hearing why he is supportive of the Elders and against Koretta's curiousness.
I'll keep on reading to the next chapter. I hope I've given you a lot of useful stuff to look over. I've been a tad harsh, but really, it's a good story until now. The plot looks like it's coming along nicely, and if this were a book I would keep reading. This whole story seems like it puts a fantasy edge on dystopian. Interesting
Deanie x
is this little birdy lotus shaped?
Perhaps ^^
Thanks for your review!
Someone else mentioned about the school info as well so I'll deal with that
And that's interesting that you're wondering if others have broken the rules... I don't want to give anything away but don't worry, that's coming 


Yep, all really useful points
And I see what you mean about feelings and small details which can make the story more robust, I'll work on it
Thanks
Good afternoon, Empress!
*tips hat* It's Storm here again reviewing for ya. Let me just say: You've captivated me once more with this chapter; your descriptions and well-paced paragraphs made me want to continue reading! Brava, my dear.
Now, onwards and upwards! Allow me to move on to pointing out the tiny errors I uncovered in 'Zenith'.
Once again, I'm looking forward to your next chapter, keeping my eager eyes open for any news of the third installment.
Your original sentence is in italics, followed by the edited version. The corrected item is in bold.
---
"It had taken her twenty minutes to walk all the way round from the council towers."
Should be: (Apologies, this is a tiny nitpick. Don't eat me.)
It had taken her twenty minutes to walk all the way 'round from the council towers.
---
"‘So your saying if you violate the curfew…'"
Should be:
'So you're saying if you violate the curfew...'
---
"‘Why do you never answer my questions?’ she yelled at him, almost shaking with rage, ‘do you really have so much respect for the damned Elders? ...'"
Should be:
'Why do you never answer my questions?' she yelled at him, almost shaking with rage. 'Do you really have so much respect for the damned Elders?'
---
"‘It’s more complicated than that Koretta-’"
Should be:
'It's more complicated than that , Koretta-'
---
Like last time I didn't notice any spelling errors, just minor grammatical and punctual flaws.
I'd like to point out one more thing before I end this review, however. Near the ending, right before Koretta falls asleep, you put this:
"Her studies at the Marlayan Academy were in a priority class of only five others. And none of them did she call a friend. All of them seemed to be carbon copies of the adults, blind to the illusion of reality. She had spent eleven rotations now studying the core knowledge units mandatory to all citizens: philosophy, ethical morality, religion, epistemology…"
As much as the other paragraphs transitioned and flowed smoothly together, I feel like this one does not. You jump from focusing on the boy with the medallion to focusing on her classes. Maybe I missed something? I'm not sure, but this section seems very out of place to me.
---
And... the plot thickens in 'Star City'. O_o I love the endings to your chapters so much, because they leave off on such interesting points.
As always: Write on!
---Storm
Hi again, thanks for another review
And again, thanks for picking up on those silly errors!
Chapter 3 is up
I'll check it out when I get home!