The Nexus Key: Book I
Prologue
Darkan Allaruce always had loved this view. Such beauty. After all, he had been solemnly watching it for millennia.
He stood at the white gate, the towering pillars glinting majestically beneath the twin suns. Watery dawn light crept across the coalescing landscape. He could see the Midnight Ocean writhing gracefully on the horizon. And narrowing his piercing, silver eyes, he could just make out Magi Xavero, swinging his arms through the frigid air in an eerie dance of worship. Sye had given him the power to manipulate water molecules, to influence their fate in the cosmos.
Darkan turned his head to the right. And there, stretching up towards the eternal space, were Magi’s Gallairn and Drekka. Both beautiful women stood on the precipice overhanging the Silent Woods. Once again, he narrowed his eyes. Their arms were spread wide either side of them as they turned their pale cheeks to the light. As he watched, the emerald leaves pulsed. Sye had given them mastery over the trees.
Darkan turned to face the white gate. Between the pillars, only darkness resided. A thick, invasive darkness. He drew the obsidian blue cloak closer around his body, the hood low over his head, his silver hair spilling out down his chest. His destiny had been written in the stars since the Old Age. A custodian of peace.
Darkan Allaruce was the Watcher.
For millennia he had guarded Sye’s secret. Sye… the Magi Overlord, a being who had seen the birth of time, an immortal God who had created the Cult. For eons they had roamed this world, learning the age-old sorcery over the elements. But it was all for a single purpose… the Magi’s task.
They were guardians of it.
Through the pillars, through the darkness, was the path. Sye had carved it to the heart of the world when time had begun, to hide his secret, locked deep in the core of his realm.
It was all a mistake.
Space. Time. Matter. None of it should have happened. And the reason, Sye’s secret, would have to be hidden, guarded for eternity. For if anyone learned of its existence, if the mortals learned of its power, it could bring the entire universe crashing down.
The hem of Darkan’s cloak ruffled gently in the wind. He was one of the tallest Magi, a feature amplified by the width of his muscular body. And his eyes were utterly silver, glinting with the power of knowledge that could only be accumulated after existing for a long, long time.
He narrowed his eyes, staring into the darkness. But he saw nothing. He could see the expression on a Magi’s face, or the colour of a single flower’s petal on the furthest edge of the horizon when he chose to. He would simply narrow his silver eyes and use the power Sye had given him. But when he tried to see beyond the immediate when he looked into the gate… nothing. Always nothing.
He turned back to the light, the binary stars now golden and full.
The Cult of Sye would not fail. Time would be protected and the secret would stay hidden.
The secret of the Nexus Key…
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Empress! HAPPY REVIEW DAY! Here to review your prologue.
I'm a little obsessed with prologues so I'm always digging around to read new ones. I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to both me and you. I tend to ramble off point otherwise.
Here goes!
“Darkan Allaruce always had loved this view” - I think you need to place the word 'had' before the word 'always'. It will make much more sense that way.
"“he had been solemnly watching it for millennia.” - I love this line. It makes you ask yourself a million questions at once! I'm wondering what he has been waiting for all this time. To be free? Or a long, lost love? How can he have even been around for a millenia? What is he?!
The world you have created is amazing. I particularly like the idea of the silent woods and what adventures have happened and will happen in there. it just screams mysterious!
I love how you ended the prologue - it makes the reader just want to know more! Especially as you dropped a new piece of information at us right at the very end. Cleverly done.
I am excited to see where you take the magical twists and turns.
Good luck! I look forward to reading more soon. I think chapter one is up already?
Olive <3
hi there!
I quite like the setting you described here, it's absolutely beautiful. I also like how gradually you introduced us to Sye, and the Cult. This is not an 'as you know' type of prologue, which I greatly appreciate. Kudos to you.
However, I think this could be improved in a way, its potential could be maximized. Your introduction especially could be rendered even more powerful. Don't tell us he loves the view, show us the care and fondness with which he describes the panorama; Don't tell us he's very old, rather hint at it in a description. Your description is what hooked me here, I think you should start off with the description. Perhaps a line along these, ahaha, lines:
I for one think something like that would be far more powerful, as it immediately draws us in with the most powerful part of this piece, your description, which seems to me almost perfectly fine.
I say almost because some tiny nit-picks threw me out of the glorious trance the panorama had me in. For example, you mention the sea writhing. I don't associate the sea with writhing. Perhaps instead you could mention the waves lapping at the shore, or the current causing a genteel rolling of the water. Mayhaps something more violent.
Another example is when you cycle between characters and the setting. In some places I actually thought this was done quite well, for example the Magi-ocean relation, or Magi-forest, and also when Darkan contemplated his destiny as he looked into the darkness. Those were all very fluid transitions, very natural. You should try for all this prologue to be so. One bit of scenery should lead to another, there should be a connection. Mostly you accomplish this, but not everywhere, such as where Darkan is observing his surroundings, and then with the excuse of wind you describe him a little more. That's very cheap, it lowers the very good standard everything else had set.
But yeah, that's all I have to say, overall I quite liked this. Your setting was unique and interesting, your description was mostly fluid, you introduced just enough of the plot for me to be intrigued, without it being too expository. Good job, keep it up
~Ita
Thanks so much for your review! And those are all great points! Very useful
Soz, I think waves lapping are a bit of a cliche! And yeah I know the description of his appearance was a bit out of place, that's because I only added it in recently as another reviewer said they wanted it in. But thanks 
Hey there I just could not help but read a fantasy story especially when it's short Haha! But what attracted met the most was the science fiction vibe I keep getting. It's good! I was reading Isaac Asimov on his Foundation novel and it had very similar imagery only that yours incorporates a more magical twist in the story.
Should that be your style then go for it! I am all in for science fiction and fantasy hybrid stories.
I found it easy to get stringed into your story because you kept to the single POV of the main character. Yet it is hard to get close if he has not a specific name. All I got was that he's the watcher with long silver hair. But then I almost thought he was Sye. You will have to elaborate a little more on the 'watcher,' because his job scope isn't that memorable!
I have a brief example from Asimov's '2nd Foundation.' The opening talks about a specific character: Hari Seldon. Before moving straight into his job on calculating the dynamics of the galaxy. Though brief, it never fell short on bull's eye details. Hari's story lasted only a few paragraphs yet I can still remember it by heart.
So right now I have Sye, the main character and Magi Xavero. At first I thought the focus was on Magi Xavero, but it became mostly about Sye. You need to be clear to the audience who you want them to follow and feel for, because I found myself re-reading the first paragraph trying to figure who's who.
Of course given that I re-read it, it means your story has a certain flow and style that attracts. With a little corrections in your prose, it will become a lot more powerful:
"He always had loved this view. Such beauty. After all, he had been solemnly watching it for millennia."
- '...for a millennia."
"For millennia he had guarded Sye’s secret. Sye… the Magi Overlord,"
- 'For a millennia..."
"Space. Time. Matter. None of it should have happened. And the reason, Sye’s secret, would have to be hidden, guarded, for eternity."
- Remove the comma after 'guarded.' That one punctuation can stall the flow of your beautiful work.
"He could see the expression on a Magi’s face or the colour of a single flower’s petal on the furthest edge of the horizon when he chose to, but when he tried to see beyond the immediate when he looked into the gate… nothing."
-An extremely long sentence. Try breaking them down into several ones so the reader is well paced.
Other than that I think your work has potential. Don't stop writing and conceptualizing. Given a little more details, I think I would be willing to read the next chapter
Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! Great compliments! And yeah I love Isaac Asimov's writing, thanks for even comparing this to his!
(But 'millennia' is the plural of 'millennium', it would be 'for a millennium' or 'for millennia'.)
I'll make sure I add more detail about exactly what the Watcher is and his name etc, and differentiate him from Sye a bit more. This is actually a glimpse into the thing that lies at the heart of the story, Chapter 1 switches to a completely different character on a different world.
Thanks again!
You're welcome! If you're lucky I might come across and review your next work
Wow! This is a really intriguing beginning! I really love this.
I did notice a few little things, several sentence fragments, but other than that there isn't too much that could use work for this piece. The only other thing you could use a second look at is a few run on sentences.
This paragraph,
"He narrowed his eyes, but this time, he saw nothing. He could see the expression on a Magi’s face or the colour of a single flower’s petal on the furthest edge of the horizon when he chose to, but when he tried to see beyond the immediate when he looked into the gate… nothing."
for example, should be broken up into a few shorter sentences.
There are a few other sentences like that, so watch out for those, but other than that this was flawless.
I really loved the way you described everything and how unique this is.
I can't wait to see more of this!
~ 221B
Thanks for reading and reviewing! And good points, I'll cut down some of the longer sentences (and I'm quite fond of using the odd incomplete sentence for effect!)
Thanks for your kind words
Very good! I loved the detailed description, it really helped to create a clear image of what was going on and of the surroundings. Can't wait to read more.
Wow thanks for such a great compliment