Young Writers Society

well this is my first review i hope it helps though i'm not sure it will help. i really like this piece.

i love how it shows you the guilt and remouse she feels, for her sibblings deaths because she was driving the car. i also like the way you discribe her brother 'elvis too small and young to reach the and Elvis, too small and young to reach the third shelf on their pantry.' the only thing i really have to say is you should go back and look at were her best friend tells her 'trust me it's not you fault and they know that. they're somewhere looking down on you and they still love you' the line would probly go along better if it was in capitals so to make it seem like they are really trying to get the point a cross that her sibbling knew it wasn't her fault and that they are looking down on her. and i must say you have a really good title for you piece. though i have to wonder about the reason why you have it in verse.

Leo here to review....

( It is very saddening...a good poignant piece...

I love the part of the guilt, the remorse that usually people feel when they are the lone survivor of something in which their dear ones died.....

I liked the description of the brother, "and Elvis, too small and young to reach the third shelf on

their pantry." nice play with words i would say....I think you could have done that with the description of the sister too...instead of just using an adjective...

Also, these lines are my favourite...

“Trust me it’s not your fault and THEY KNOW THAT. They’re somewhere,
looking down on you and they still love you.”

I have capitalized the words because that for me is the highlight of the line...I don't know why, but it feels very nice to read it...

Just a query...Why did you break the lines as in a verse?????? It gives a feeling of poetry going on between a prose, a short story...

I have to say, it is a very good piece....thumbs up!!!

Thank you:-)

Hey Allie!

Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy youself here.

Alright, on to the review:
I like your title and the basis for your story, however, it has a lot of issues.

First off, there is something wrong with the format. The sentences are broken and not linked together and it all reads like one big paragraph.

Some of your sentences also run too long:

Part of her wanted to just sneak away and hide in the foliage, instead of facing the situation that she knew would greet her if she stepped into the light, the light that lingered in the bushes around her and made her blink because of the stars she saw in her eyes.

from her elfish face.

The bracelet on her hand

She squinted into the oncoming lights.

and realized what she had to do.

She jumped into the pool.
Suddenly a hand grabbed her and dragged her out of the water.

She remembered that she had been the one driving the car

Elvis

K imma review this!

Ok, so I like the story. A lot actually. It's different from the categories that I normally read haha but that's because I clicked on it because of the title.

I agree with some of the people below me about how the spacing and line structure was weird. And you should try to change it and at least be aware of it before posting another story.

You have really good details and I feel instantly connected to the character and what she feels.

You had a few grammar mistakes, but other people got to those so you already no.

I wish the story could have been a little longer but other than that good job.

Keep writing!:)

-Frayer

The formatting/line structure/line spacing is very weird. Was it intentionally written that way?

If it was, I would recommend changing it, since such structure is more suited to poetical or lyrical works and not to a short, which is what you have this listed as.

Hi, HT here for a review.

You're also a little contradictory. When you say dusk, I imagine a mostly dark setting, but then you go on and there's also light. So I'm confused, is it day or is it night?

And while there were some little grammar mistakes, they were all clearly typos so I'll just mention them and leave it at that.

She remembered her siblings for the last time

Hi, alliecat98! This is my first review, so I'm not sure if it will be any good, but here we go! I really enjoyed the story, however I did not like the title. Of course I understand why you called it that, but it gave away too much. I wanted to be wondering for just a little longer why Evangeline wanted to die. Also, I feel as if a few of the sentences ended too abruptly, especially the 2nd and 3rd sentences. I loved the descriptions in the fifth sentence. I also loved the part about her brother being too young to reach the third shelf. However, I feel like there should be a comma before and after Wendy, like: "Oh, Wendy, the..." Your sentence, "Because I love you and I know you want to see them again but you can't," is grammatically incorrect, because it is a run on sentence. I really liked this piece, so thank you for posting it. I hope my review helps!